Clearly I am a very important person, as I always suspected. I know this because, quite out of the blue, I received an email today from Mr. Mohame Kabiro of The African Development Bank (A.D.B), Ougagdougou branch. He is really a most charming man, I felt quite drawn to him.

Strokes of inordinate luck regularly fall from the sky on the blessed and golden, so I wasn’t really surprised at the extraordinary offer he made. He was obviously an insightful chap as he had singled me out as a Very Important Person, a fact that has gone unnoticed for years by The Fools that surround me. Therefore, I was all eyes as I read on.

He writes: (STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL)
FROM THE DESK OF ( MR. MOHAME KABIRO)
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT /FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (A.D.B)OUAGADOUGOU -BF
and the by-line was this: “REQUEST FOR THE URGENT TRANSFER OF THE SUM (US$10.5million) ONLY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.”

Ulp! I was impressed by his use of “only”. Admirable attention to detail, that man. Obviously one of these Splendid Fellows Africa is full of.

He continues, “You may be surprise to receive this message from me since you don’t
know me in person, but for the purpose of introduction., I got your impressive
information – (how does this man now me so well) – through an international business equiry. But I respectfully insist you read crefully (sic) as I am optimistic it will open doors for unimaginable financial reward for both us.This business transactionmight not fall within the wide spectrum of your business activities ,but I plead your assistance ,as your flair for profitable business is needed” .

Now, I have to admit to a little surprise at that revelation. Heretofore (that’s a good businessy word, isn’t it? Heretofore, heretofore). Anyway, heretofore, I had been unaware that my “wide spectrum of business activities” was being monitored by the international community. But they have people, you know.

My most recent purchases and aquisitions have included but were not limited to, organic sausages, bulk lentils and a pair of multicoloured “A Clockwork Orange“-ish golfy shoes from ebay (bought in an unfortunate hypomanic ebay spree. You think I’m kidding don’t you?). I know that ebay tracks such things, but, really, I wasn’t aware that Rainbow Bridge made known one’s transactions, especially to the international business community. (NOTE TO SELF: I shall have to make more thoughtful herbal tea selections in the future, if people are watching. Peppermint indicates boldness and strength. Chamomile probably shows you’re going to be late for meetings).

Anyway, I digress from the letter:

“Permit me to introduce myself. I am MR. MOHAME KABIRO. the Manager of auditing and accounting unit at the foreign remittance department of AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK . In My department I discovered an abandoned sum of$ 10.5m US dollars . – (Holy cow! I mean, My word!) – In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in november 2002 in a plane crash.

Since I got information about his death, I have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because wecannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased anindicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately I learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside
with him at the planecrash leaving nobody behind for the claim.”

Now this was sad news indeed. While I mourned for the foreign customer and his unfortunate family, my keen business nose had already sniffed out the possibilities this information afforded. Mr. Kabiro had come to the right person straight away, thank God.

Let me explain: There’s no room for sentiment in my world, because it’s a jungle out there and every rat in the race must sink or cling onto other people’s tragic flotsam with no regard for things such as crude, rampant mixing of metaphors.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make businness proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don?t – (sic again. Incompetent secretaries!) – want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after five years, the money will be transfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned
bythe fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as
next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 30 % of this money will be for you as foreign partner, inrespect to the provision of a foreign account, 10 %will be set aside
for expenses incured (eh?) during the business and 60 % would be for me . There after I will visit your country with my family (that’s nice) for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted “.

I liked his figures and I liked his style. Direct, to the point, no mealy-mouthed, lilly-livered faffing about. And you can’t put a price on “easy and effective communication” He was talking to me in my own language.
“On your acceptance, I will send to the text of application by fax or by email which you are going to apply to the bank ; and provide materials confirmation references and inquiries regarding payment formalities from the payment Agency. I willbe handling officialprotocols here and expect you to undertake international responsibilities as I am assuring you of a risk free transaction provided you displaymaturity.

Therefore, if you are willing and interested to renderthe needed assistance, endeavor to reply through my alternative email address below.

mohamekabiro@yahoo.com

Thanking you in anticipation of your kind considerations.

Yours sincerely.

MR. MOHAME KABIRO.
TEL 00226 76 61 65 94″

Now, that last bit gave me pause. It was the “provided you display maturity” bit that tripped me up. I can be mature if I really concentrate and squeeze my eyes shut very tight, but now and again I forget. (See the recent ‘Badly Drawn Housewife’ post and this is another Woe Is Me Headache Wednesday too – we won free shots at quiz night last night again. Woohoo!). Because, aside from being the steely-eyed businesswoman, Mr. Kabiro sees, I am also Only Human. This is the side my children see when I accidentally put them into the bath with their socks still on. I think there’s a Lifetime “television for women” docudrama in there somewhere. The tension between business and home, success and cleaning, smart business suits and holey jogging pants.

And then, upon rescanning the email, I noticed that I had not been addressed as my preferred Ms. Zahringer (+ lots of educational letters, some of them real too). The addressee was just, “ATTN: HELPER”.

Call me an old-fashioned fool with snuff and a powdered wig, (you won’t be the first) but in my business transactions I like a more personal touch. Oh, I know I’m a ruthless, steely-eyed business woman blahblahblah, but “ATTN: HELPER” left me cold. It seemed impersonal and dismissive. It seemed, somehow, un-Outer Hebridonian. And that was the deal-breaker, right there.

With fresh eyes, I re-read the letter and, do you know, I’m wondering whether or not I might have just avoided becoming the victim of some sort of scam! But no. I’m much too steely-eyed for that. Mr. Kabiro just recognized what a Very Important Person I am, despite my being surrounded by The Fools who don’t recognize the business genius (international) that is walking amongst them.

Blind as bats, they are.

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