Dullard
Lately I’ve been a dullard. I’ve had little to say and, when I do, I strain for words that should come more easily. I haven’t been that interested in talking or writing anyway.
I’ve only really been good for grunt-work so that’s what I’ve been doing. My children are the only people I’m any use around – they don’t demand much in the way of intelligent conversation, what with being 4 and everything. I find myself in complete understanding with them. We’ve passed many pleasant hours on Halloween, Thanksgiving and now Christmas projects, and the abominable mess we usually make with glitter, glue and pumpkin bits hasn’t once cost me a weary sigh to clear up; instead it seems just another task to which I’m happy enough to bend my big slow donkey head. My housewiffery has improved no end in this mood.
If this sounds gloomy it’s not meant to. It’s a good time of the year to be in this frame of mind because, besides the day to day maintenance of a household and children, there’s plenty of donkey-work to be done:
I’ve power-rotary-tooled my way through two steel brushes, cleaning the grout between the kitchen tiles. The person who thought it was a good idea to cover all the kitchen surfaces and splashbacks with 2×2″ tiles must have been the sort who can live gloriously cavalier lives in flagrant disregard of the 99% of all common undead household germs staring up at them with murder in their tiny black hearts as they float around the approximately 7 miles of navy blue grout canals in between the tiles. Once navy-blue canals. Like the waterways between Venice’s gleaming city blocks, they tend towards a murky, ill-defined colour. Only many hours of determined industry with a Black & Decker, cold hard steel, and the most powerful disinfectants available to the cold hard American consumer, can hope to clear them.
There have been cupboard-cleaning projects to tackle before Christmas. They were duly tackled, and a sort of blunt, stolid satisfaction achieved.
Large amounts of freezer space have been cleared and are getting filled up with holiday baking and such.
Things have been getting done. It’s good.
There have been almighty messes to clean up because the girls have taken to early morning marauding: shampoo and glitter on the sitting room carpet; pen-marks on the sofas; toys in the toilet; Toilet tissue and water floods in the sink; crackers, breakfast cereal and partially eaten tomatoes gaily strewn about the floors.
Ominous dun-duh-duh-dunnnnn words were uttered; quieter, darker words muttered; the idea of selling the girls and their toys as a job-lot on ebay was floated, and, pretty soon all marauding stopped…
I’ve not felt in the least bit dismayed when faced with the latest mighty mess or chore although I make the right groany noises for form’s sake. On the contrary, I’m actually fairly glad to have something mundane to do for a little while because I can’t concentrate on anything else.
I am that kind of Nazi parent who doesn’t allow TV on during the day and in the evening I have no interest in it either. I haven’t been inclined to blog much or even idly websurf. I can’t read for very long at a time as my concentration is spotty. So I do housework, take walks, and sleep. I could win rosettes and rare honours for Scotland with my ability to sleep. Other long-distance sleepers would marvel at my stamina, my tenacity, my Adidas-sponsored nightie.
None of this is associated with a particularly low mood, but rather with low energy. All I want to do is to put my head down, my back to some work, and tackle the day in the manner of a cloudy-brained bull at the plough.
In truth, I have a very easy, very lucky life compared to most, with happy children and a lovely husband. I’ve had a lot of satisfaction these last months just letting life wash and pool around me in grey mundane eddies and not thinking and over-thinking much. There hasn’t been the usual alarm at feeling like I’m “losing” part of myself, whatever part that might be.
I’m not complaining – I’ve felt worlds worse than this before and have friends going through all sorts of different, difficult situations. So I recognize my luck, I really do; I just wonder where I’ve gone. And will I be back? (I’ve learnt to assume so and that keeps me sane.)
And I’d quite like to be able to read a book again.
And it would be nice for everyone else if I wasn’t quite so dull to talk to. The children are the only people who have any fun with me lately. Socially, I don’t have anything of value to add to conversations and if I speak it usually serves to confirm that. I am a mentally lazy addition to any table with nothing beyond the trite, banal and glaringly obvious to contribute. Anyone in the Ojai area on a Tuesday could come to the bar where I play team trivia and, if they were to observe me, they would see a veritable masterclass in the saying of nothing, using words. The filling of the air with vacuous comments and attempts to go down conversational alleys, the points of which turn out to be just as recondite to me as to my unfortunate companions: conversation over. And then an observer could watch me giving up and getting drunk instead.
None of this bothers me that much, that’s the odd thing. I feel at a low ebb but not what you’d call miserable. It’s much as if the problemchildbride in me is on her hols leaving just the housewife shell.
This mood has never lasted such a long time before. A kernel of disquiet about its duration has been growing up in the last week.
I want to feel sharp again.
This is an almost impossible post to comment on so don’t feel obliged, chaps. It’s just what’s going on.
Happy Thanksgiving, America.
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:41 am
you’re being hard on yourself. maybe this is a necessary time of silence and the problemchildbride is in observational mode. i have no doubt she’ll be back and brilliant when she’s good and ready.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:55 pm
You sound just like a little squirrel storing in the nuts for the Winter. You are finding your primitive self!
November 23rd, 2006 at 3:28 pm
You do sound a bit down, but isn’t this the right time of year for it? Anyway it’s exhausting being upbeat all the time. Sometimes there is nothing better than to rip the phone line clean from the wall and be left alone to pet the black dog for as long as he hangs around.
November 23rd, 2006 at 8:43 pm
PCB…for what it’s worth, and please know I’m not blowing smoke here in part because it sounds rather distasteful but mostly because it’s certainly not my intent, even in your self proclaimed “dullard” state you have a “way” with words. Here’s hoping that you regain whatever edge you need to restore you to the greatest version of you that you can imagine but rest assured that the you now present is still a very enjoyable read. All the best and Happy Thanksgiving!
November 24th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Yea, but you make a mean turkey.
November 24th, 2006 at 4:48 am
Grasshopper say: while fools babble, the wise man (or woman) is silent.
Happy Thanksgiving Sam. You’ll be back to your old tricks soon. A bit of time out from the blogosphere is no bad thing. Just to remind yourself where the real world is.
November 24th, 2006 at 5:55 am
You are in a hellish place at the moment. Watch out for the wobble. I am confident you can deal with this and come through it but my thoughts are with you.
November 24th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
Glad you’re still around, dear. I second Shebah’s and Joel’s comments. Hang in there. Your adoring fans will be waiting.
Cheers.
November 24th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
Sami, been thinking of you lately and hope you’re ok. Dullard? I don’t think so my dear, I too second Joel’s comment. It’s ok to take a break from Blogsville and re-charge your batteries. I’m sure you know that though. All will be well again with the world soon. I for one am looking forward to the fresh start of 2007. As you said yourself, you always have come back before so indeed you can safely assume that you will this time too, even if it seems to be taking a little bit longer. Lots of gaol to you, Sami. xx
November 25th, 2006 at 12:27 am
As much of a “low ebb” as it seems, try to value your time of quiet plodding as a spot of respite, allowing yourself time wind-down and switch to “auto-pilot” without guilt or concern will no doubt lead to a much healthier and renewed PCB, with time.
We’ll be right here, just where you left us. Shuffle in as and when the mood takes you, we don’t mind.
Much love PCB, thinking of you,
Cx
November 25th, 2006 at 6:45 am
Bugger. I feel guilty for this post now. I sound like a right moany cow.
You lot are truly lovely, each and every one of you. I didn’t mean to worry you and I’m sorry if I have because everything is fine really. I just haven’t been equal to talking in any sort of sustained way lately.
I have friends going through serious situations of all sorts, and a temporarily misplaced sense of self in a California housewife is a very small matter indeed. I guess I was trying to explain my absence.
I’m a lucky gal to know people like you. It’s amazing to me, the extraordinary community and warm, wonderful people I’ve met in the blogworld.
We went round the table yesterday saying what we were thankful for on Thanksgiving. It was meant to be a prompt for the girls to think about what the meal meant. One of my list items was being thankful for the blog revolution and how it has opened up whole new worlds and friendships with people I would never have known otherwise. Lovely warm, witty, wise people, the sort that will take the time out of their day to say kind things to some idiot belly-gazing housewife they’ve never met.
It’s truly appreciated, folks. You’ve warmed the cockles of my heart and I’m not even sure what exactly cockles are. I had thought the heart was a powerfully contracting and relaxing mussel! (HAHAHAHAHA!) See! This is what your kind words will get you – appallingly bad seafood jokes. You only have yourselves to blame, you know!
Thanks.
November 25th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
If I could be an eighth as witty as you at a low ebb when I’m on a high spring tide I’d think myself gifted. Sorry about the feeble connection to the sea.
November 25th, 2006 at 9:06 pm
That Black Dog sure gets around. I know what you mean with the dullness ah for the luxury of a sleep thats sound and deep for that is the reason for all my woes, at least you’re getting the donkey work done and the kids are having fun, being deep all the time means you have to regenerate now and again, not that I would know.
November 26th, 2006 at 11:43 am
As a doctor, I am often asked:
? Did they sign that maintenance contract yet? ?
You see, I have no medical training whatsoever. All my expertise is in gas flow and suchlike. It?s a total bastard at parties.
November 26th, 2006 at 11:51 am
Shebah is right. There is a time for joking and a time for filling the larder. You’d be a great jungle wife, Sam.
November 26th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
I didn’t read it as being dull and depressed but rather having an enjoyable wallow in Mumhood and housewife skills. There is a lot of satisfaction to be had in the latter as long as one is doing it by choice and not by domestic fascism.
Sometimes when I look back at old family photos I yearn to be able to hold those little children to whom I was the most important person in the whole world. You are blessed to recognise this time and believe me there is a lot of time to do your own thing later. Just do what your instinct tells you to do and don’t worry about keeping up with anything or anyone. We love you any which way. xoxoxox
November 26th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
As a doctor, I am often asked:
? Did they sign that maintenance contract yet? ?
You see, I have no medical training whatsoever. All my expertise is in gas flow and suchlike. It?s a total bastard at parties.
November 26th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
I’m just glad you’re back – I’ve missed your sense of humour, dull or sharp …
November 27th, 2006 at 7:20 pm
Sam: my last two comments haven’t got through and I don’t know why.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:04 am
Actually, I am quite jealous of your mood, so going with the flow and relaxed. I wish I could sleep for England. But I am so antsy that I invariably pop up and jump out of bed at six am, what a pain.
November 28th, 2006 at 7:00 am
Hi Sam
‘And I?d quite like to be able to read a book again.’
Sounds like you might need to indulge in a little McCrumble. It just so happens that the book you are seeking is now available (oui, c’est mien). By some miracle of modern technology, you can even buy it in the US.
Sorry for the blatant marketing. Did I mention that you are in the acknowledgements?
J McC
November 28th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
zahbongo,
some advice:
Buy a steam cleaner.
a favour:
i’ll lend you the dog if you want cos he’s doing my effing nut in at the moment.
some words of wisdom:
be thankful you’re not ginger.
or welsh.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
your site is now looking very professional. went on to your flicker site, great photos. we should probably e-mail or post more photos to each other from time to time. i’m just quite lazy when it comes to these things, i’m not very good at making an effort, but i have decided that this will change. so expect to be bored to tears with my constant ramblings and stupid photos, that you probably never wanted to see in the first place. will call soon.
p.s. are you looking forward to crimbo with maw and paw. thats if problemchildbride senior makes it onto the plane!!
November 30th, 2006 at 9:35 pm
How you doing hen? I think it’s the time of year, old Cream is down in the dumps too. Even my bananas are wilting a bit. Never mind, soon Christmas and all that excrement will be over and we can get back to our normal humdrum existences. I’ll be locking myself in over the festering period with a side of smoked salmon (Scottish of course), a bottle of gin and the satellite tv, and I’ll see y’all in 2007!
December 1st, 2006 at 12:02 am
Sam, don’t listen to what anyone post more fotos says. Subliminal messages post more fotos don’t work. People who post more fotos say they do are just mass-media dupes. So just keep on posting more prose post more fotos of yourself because that’s what we want. That’s especially what the men here post more fotos of yourself want.
December 1st, 2006 at 9:50 pm
You may be interested to know that we have just sustained the most crapulous, shitty, filthy, miserable, stormy, dark, wet nights for the past eight days as would make you boke.
And before you go thinking ?Oh but right now I?d love some of that romantic, Scottish, stormy, Heathcliffe, Blawearie, a?howlin? in the chimney pots, and a wee drammy by the fire?? stop! and I?ll put you on the right bus.
Every night is a death dodging desolation on the motorway to get back to a deserted town village or city to watch repeats of Rumpole of the Bailey because no one has crossed their threshold in a week.
On the other hand, a couple of hours of this and suddenly not reading books and not thinking and wiping jam off the walls in CALIFORNIA might regain it?s shine.
In fact, if I got Mrs Maroon to make me up, and maybe lend me a frock or two, do you think I could pass? Is problem hubby particularly observant, or fussy, or rough? If the answer?s no to any 2 out of 3, then I?ll gladly swap roles for a month.
I don?t do ironing mind but your sprogs will have mastered the wave mechanics by the time you return and will probably get on Oprah.
I don?t know wtf I?m going on about either.
It?s Friday night ,it?s blowing a gale and teeming down and we?re IN.
IN on a Friday night is dead pure garbage but.
December 2nd, 2006 at 12:46 pm
Oh Rumpole. I love him so, he reminds me of Gamma’s first husband, the one who died in ‘mysterious’ circumstances.
Sam, the good doc is right, the weather is pretty minging this side of the pond, lots of gales and trees coming down and folk muttering darkly about blac ice and all sort of aptly named weather related stuff. I even misssed Spain this week-only for a few minutes and I had a quick drink immediately after to wash the taste out of my mouth.
December 4th, 2006 at 4:40 am
I have felt similar of late.
…but I’ve been blue because I lost my Odo recently.
But its a wierd feeling to not have your imagination engaged for so long…
December 7th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Think of the worst time in your life and think it’s not so bad now. Just trying to cheer myself up.
December 7th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Stuff the world! I crave the chance to sleep for my country,and am planning to do so for at least a week this coming holiday – with perhaps my lovely hubby waking me at Christmas lunchtime with a steaming pile of lovely grub and a heap of pressies to unwrap. (fat chance, obviously)
But hell, in the olden days – before the mobile or in fact radio – people used to embroider round the old joanna and not fret about being all productive. Mainly cos they were all dying of consumption, but the principle is sound!
Lovely to hear you’re still out and about
Kathwoffs XXX
December 7th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
If I can give you some advice as someone who has incredibly dull friends, I gladly tolerate their dull company if they buy me alchohol- so change the habbit of a lifetime and buy a round at the pub quiz. I will proabably be too disorganised to get you a card in time for chrimbo so don’t think any the lesser of me (again). Love to you and your family
Keep strong sami, there are a lot of people behind.
B
December 8th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
I’m filled with warmth when I read this lot. I feel so very lucky to know such a bunch of good and kind people, old friends and new. I love you all, chaps.