Truly The Ne Plus Ultra of Pinnies
This post arises from a comment left by Kieran (http://thefullstop.blogspot.com/) regarding my apron. He said it was unparalleled and, after I stopped blushing, I thought I might like to tell you just how very special it is.
You see, it is an unparalleled apron; for it defies even Apron String Theory by not existing in a single other parallel universe in the multiverse*. It remains spotless by immediately whisking any stains that might occur off to other people’s aprons in other universes. In fact it actually does this “post-immediately” which is like immediately only more scoffing and ironic.
It’s a bit naughty, I know, to soil other people’s protective garments but, while I hope it doesn’t occur at crucial moments during tapings of Top Chef in the other universes, I find the boggling infinities of it all leave me really not caring that much. Perhaps that’s because I’m Generation X.
Anyway, it cost a little extra with the 11th dimension portal feature and all but, what the hey! I’m worth it. Andy McDowell and Heather Locklear remind me of that, almost daily and, as they represent the quality L’Oreal brand, I’m inclined to believe them.
*Nota Bene: They’re not sure about perpendicular universes, and the company behind the apron, Jim & Bob’s Theoretical Physics and Kitchen Shoppe, have warned that there might be anti-aprons out there somewhere but that, if there are, they are most probably on anti-housewives and that is very (to the power of 7000000000) unlikely as oppsed to apron string theory which is a mere very(to the power of 20000000) unlikely. I don’t know. They have an equation.
January 23rd, 2007 at 5:02 am
I often think about parallel universes when I’m on the bog taking a crap, to think in some other worlds their Old knudsen’s poo comes out runny, nutty, peebledashes, not at all or splatters onto strange people’s aprons, I’m a bit of a thinker or stinker in this case. Ever shout into yer apron to scare people? I argue with my hand sometimes in public but I suspect it has sometime to do with nam, Nottingham that is, a horrible place.
January 23rd, 2007 at 11:20 am
Ever get worried that things might get reversed and stuff would start appearing out of it. Although if it was a chocolate cake or a creme brulee then it would be ok I guess.
(Cheers for the dress advice….you sound like my kind of shopper…..less shopping and more clinking glasses!)
January 23rd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Saw your last note about the library thingy thing and clicked on flicier and think I’m installing something. Will try harder when you do your pix. Just missd you in Scotland this morning. Shame. And I blame Kieran!
January 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Glad to see someone else has a poo theme going. It must be January, it’s such a crapper!
My apron blemishes of chioce would be bread sauce and pecan pie, pronounced PEECON as the gay man in New Orleans told me. He peed his pants at my PECKAN, and gave me an extra pancake.
January 23rd, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I supposed if you cooked in the nude you wouldn’t need an apron – you’d just wash all the cream and sauce from your thighs. But I respect you too much to picture this in my mind. Forget about universes, Sam, a world exists within the shadow of your lustrous hair.
January 23rd, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Nottingham is one of the most violent cities in the land now, so they say. Whether this was a result of your stay there, Knudders, we might never know.
birchsprite, there’s a button on the back to prevent reverse parallel staining. I have to twiddle it 3 times to the left, 3 to the right, dohzee-doh a little and then hum the theme to Star Trek. We had a blast in London. I thoroughly recommend taking a day with a good friend and a vague idea that you might accomplish something productive, then drinking a little champagne and bouncing around the West End with plenty of refreshment stops. We did get one good idea for a hair clasp, mind you, so the day wasn’t completely lost.
Sorry about Flikr. I hope nothing untoward has sneaked on to your computer via the link on my page. They’re a fairly well known operation with a good reputation so, with luck, it’ll be OK. Keep me posted though and I’ll try and see what’s up if you’ve got unwanted stuff as a result. By “try and see what’s up,” of course, I mean I’ll find a forum and ask somebody smarter than me.
Apprentice, if the button malfunctions, then I’ll be forced to do a cold wash on the gentle cycle but that carries the risk of sucking the whole washing-machine into the 11th dimension. Since some people think there are only 10 dimensions this would leave me with a kind of quantum apron hovering between existance and simultaneous non-existance and you can’t get the stains out of quantum aprons at all; I’d have been better off with cotton in that case. And besides, if the Chinese (http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?chanID=sa003&articleID=2BFDA3E7515B5EE68D7E80BAE8F4090E) keep blasting satellites to smithereens, space is going to start looking like the Gorbals on a Sunday morning and I don’t want my washing machine contributing to that.
January 23rd, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Nanas, nude cooking is an endeavour fraught with peril. Frying anything, particularly, can leave one with a red-specked tummy you can’t explain to your spouse. The Problem Husband is fairly relaxed, actually, but my newest lover, Manuel the milkman, wouldn’t like it. And it only leads to the children wanting to cook nude too to be like mummy, and then letters from the school and legal fees and it’s just all too much of a bore to go through again. In this land of the free and home of the brave not only does the government want jurisdiction over people’s bedrooms, they also want to peer in your kitchen windows too. I’ve caught them more than once, you know, the government – lurking in the hydrangea, the perverts.
January 23rd, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Apprentice, I’ve been saying pecan wrong all along too, then. Still if it can score you an extra pancake, where’s the harm, eh?
January 23rd, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Couldn’t afford the apron, but even so, the clerks at Jim & Bob’s Theoretical Physics and Kitchen Shoppe tried to sell me the breadmaking time machine, which uses yeast that died in during the reign of Nebuchadnezzar. What part of “too rich for my blood” didn’t they understand?! I suppose they’re trying to pay off their student loans from MIT, and work on commission, but still.
January 23rd, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Andraste, I don’t think that was a good year for yeast. Amoeba did fairly well, I’ve read, but Nebuchadnezzer’s yeast policy was just eye-rollingly wrong.
January 23rd, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Kieran is dangerous and quite probably on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. I’d stay away from him if I were you, young lady.
January 24th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I wish I was worth it. Alas, L’Oreal and I just don’t get along. Don’t listen to Foot Eater, he only comes out of hiding to disparage other bloggers, before returning to his evil lair to compose evil blog posts.
January 24th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
I turn my back for one second…
I don’t need to say anything more about the apron. It speaks for itself, and dances in some universes.
Anyway, must dash, I have a meeting with Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez.
January 24th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Actually Sam, I think you’ve hit upon the content of “dark matter” in the universe which the astrophysicists keep going on about. That is, your food spatter does not appear in an alternate universe but rather exists all around us, binding the Cosmos together.
Well done. Now that Hawking fellow can move over and let you take over Newton’s chair.
Cheers.
January 24th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Footles, the FBI wouldn’t have a chance. They hardly know how to find their own Bureau in the morning. Identifying London on the map would demand an exploratory committee with bottled water and donuts, I imagine.
Kav, is it the straightening products or the bounce ‘n’ shine ones. I can’t get on with either of them either. There is something of the dark side to Foots, isn’t there? I expect it’s a side effect of his being a foot eating whey-faced denizen of the crypt, and all.
January 24th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Kieran, s’funny, cos I had cocai…erm coffee with him this morning and he didn’t mention you. I hope you’re not on his “He’s Dead To Me” list. I hear he’s kinda literal about that.
Rand’, it’s all fascinating, mind-blowing stuff. I don’t know how I hope to ever understand half of it but it’s just compelling to think that perhaps, there is another universe somewhere where I do understand it. Or there is a universe somewhere where I don’t try to break my head against a wall trying to understand it.
February 13th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
“Post-immediately”: now I understand what they mean by “post haste”.
The 11th-dimension quantum apron sounds interesting. A sort of Schrodinger’s Apron: both present and absent but you can’t tell until you look. Victoria’s Secret could make a killing out of that technology.