Fear And Loathing In Ventura County
Fear stalked the aisles of the Ojai Save-U-Mart today. As I selected my preferred brand of cottage-cheese I could feel it watching me from over by the pears. Abhorrence blocked the bread aisle and, although the other shoppers appeared to be walking, they didn’t move their legs.
As I drove home, the clouds took on a malevolent aspect. Great ogres billowed and gaped, breathing down on me the breath of Heaven’s displeasure (which could benefit from a tictac.) I weaved on the road and, only just recovering, pulled over and turned the engine off.
Peril was in the bushes, and a rabbit openly loathed me. I cleared my throat. Trees muttered imprecations and telephone-poles laughed and pointed. (God knows, the telephone-armenians have their own problems.) Sinister gates swung open and shut where before there had been no gates, and I watched a raven turn snow white. I blinked hard and drove on.
As I reached my driveway, doubt crouched behind the dustbins and all the world turned sickly and yellow. Perspiration was entombing my body now, as I got into the house as quickly as I could, locking the door behind me.
I boiled the kettle and, with a trembling hand, poured myself a cup of dread. My breathing quickened. Shaking, my hand reached for the phone and I dialed.
I made the bloody dentist appointment.