Death’s Relatives
The last post was about the terrible things that can happen if you don’t tell enough lies. I’d averred in the post that death is the mother of beauty. Read the post if you care why I averred this. Anyway, Fat Sparrow responded:
“I though death was the mother of religion.”
This might seem to be so but, as my granny might say, seaming isn’t the same as sewing. (She doesn’t really say that – I made it up, just now, in a baldly lying way. It does sound like a sewing, granny, sofa-doiley typa thing to say, though, right?…Umrgle, look just forget it, eh.)
See, Death is really the granny of Religion. Religion just called her “Mammy” so that her real mother, Hypocrisy, wouldn’t have to go to a home for unwed teenage mothers. Religion’s mother is actually Death’s other daughter, Hypocrisy. It was a schoolgirl mistake by poor Hypocrisy – not uncommon in rural areas where there’s no cinema or yoof-club to occupy young minds and – more crucially – young bodies.
Anyway, Beauty, Hypocrisy and Religion (really Hypocrisy’s daughter – are you following this?) were all brought up as sisters by Death. It was a turbulent household. Hypocrisy and Religion were always ganging up on Beauty. They would shave her achingly beautiful eyebrows off while she was Beauty-sleeping. They would poke her in the head with forks even though it was breakfast time and they were having Rice-Krispies – a non-fork food! And, of course, Death is a very busy woman. With all she has to do in the world with wars, famines, auto-erotic asphyxiations in the Home Counties etc. it’s amazing she had time to give them any kind of complete and balanced breakfast. She certainly didn’t have time to witness Beauty’s persecution, at the hands of her sisters: Death was busy elsewhere at the sacking of the beauty that was Rome in the 5th century; the criminally anti-aesthetic decision to let men wear powdered wigs in the 18th century; and she completely missed the whole Oscar “Champion of Beauty” Wilde trial while on a foreign trip, never learning of it ’til he died and told her himself.
“Damn,” she thought, “I should really spend more time with the kids. Hypocrisy and Religion are really beating the shit out of Beauty these days. Together, they are an almost unstoppable force. I must have an encouraging word with Beauty; put her in touch with some artists. Send her to New York, maybe.”
Beauty has accomplished much though, despite Hypocrisy and Religion’s rotten tricks. She’s managed to save many beautiful things for the ages; like Rome – in WWII this time, when it was declared an open city and fighting there was forbidden; like the ancient cave-paintings at Lascaux; and like the sense of herself in mankind’s heart.
So. Anyway. What was I on about? Oh right, gorrit. So, although it’s not widely put about, Death is the mother of Beauty and Hypocrisy is the mother of Religion, not Death. Beauty goes on to marry the Beast, and Hypocrisy to live in a sham of a marriage with Religion’s real father, Power, who will be beastly to little boys and get into a lot of trouble that Hypocrisy will have to try and cover up.
You know the rest. I only know the family circumstances because I’m great pals with Indiscretion, who was in labour with her wee one, Oopsi, at the same time Hypocrisy was having Religion in the next room. Lovely girl, Indiscretion, but a mouth on her bigger than a baleen whale’s.
April 12th, 2007 at 7:35 am
You’re a genius. I have nothing to add.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Weird, my reader didn’t pick up that other lie post.
Anyway, what I’ve learned is that Ian Paisley is the physical embodiment of Beauty, Hypocrisy and Religion, so those names I heard people calling him were not actually insults, but statements of fact.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:37 am
I couldn’t help just copy and paste it and send it to some people.
haven’t read anything so good lately, thanks, Sam
April 12th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Is anyone having a problem with blogger today? It won’t let me leave a comment anywhere. The message on their site says they’re moving all blogs to New Blogger and to try again in 24 hours. Wha? Fmc has a brilliant post today and I can’t comment – this is most frustrating.
Caro and Jen, shucks, ladies, you’re lovely.
Kav, I don’t know what’s up with that. You know, it’s wierd, I did think of Ian Paisley at times when I wrote that. Especially at the end when i was looking for an enormous gob to compare Indiscretion’s to.
April 12th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I might have agreed with you, but ever since I suffocated Conscience life has become far less complicated.
April 12th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Simply brilliant.
Does this mean when Peace and War hooked up a few years ago and moved in together they were in fact commiting venial sin or were they just doing it for the kids?
April 12th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Foots, but you’ve seen the film haven’t you? When you think Conscience is dead and you turn away, battered from the fight, not seeing Conscience rise up behind you, dripping with gore and full of violent vengeance, raising the pick-axe above your head and smashing it down on your body with a force that may or may not kill you? You’ve seen that bit, right? I don’t know what happens next; the credits are rolling, but not many can survive the full weight of their Conscience being battered into their bonces. Turn around, Foots! It’s the narrative force and it can’t be denied: Conscience is never fully dead! Look out! Foooooooots! … Foots? You still alive, buddy?
Brianf, you know, War was always the looker of the pair. Peace was more homely, but with a heart of gold and the patience of all the most forbearing saints. Most of all she loved and pined for War but knew war never even noticed her. War was always running around with floozies like Syphilis and Ghonorrea and then one day, War’s best pal, Tony, said “Look, War mate, this lifestyle is meaningless, it’s dragging you down. You wanna think about settling down. You know there is someone who’d be just perfect for you…”
“I know what you’re going to say, Tone, but I’m just no good for her.
“Look,” said Tony, “All I am saying is give Peace a chance!”
And so War did. And, within the fortnight, Peace got fed up of him and he was on the sofa. A week later, they split up. They cited irreconcilable differences over whether the board-game Battleship (by Milton Bradley and available in all good toy shops, and even in the corner shop probably) encouraged violence in children. And Peace said the sex was disappointing.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
I never seam when I sew. Go Granny!
Damn sibling rivalry. Why couldn’t they just all get along?
April 12th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
I bow down before the greatness that is you.
April 13th, 2007 at 5:39 am
Until now I believed an egg was the mother of a tractor, as an egg is a necessity and a tractor an invention. Now I know daughter-egg-mother-tractor-grandmother relationships are much more complex. I am enlightened thanks to you, Sam.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:12 am
You forgot their first cousins denial and arrogance – for all her faults the former is great company on a night out!
April 13th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Of the school of Apuleius; more praises can be given but are not needed.
April 13th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I am sending this along to many people.
(And please do feel free to send Beauty to New York any time. We could use more of her presence, and less of the other two.)
April 13th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I’m sending this to Etheline, but I’ma gonna hafta copy and paste the lot, I can’t have her stumbling around on these here blogs, next thing you know I’d be covered in Chinese burns. Excellent.*
* Not the burns, the writing.
April 13th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Carolyn, I know. It all seams sew pointless for siblings to needle each other as they do. I, for one, was always incredibly reasonable to my brother. A delight I was, as a child. Never one for fabrications or embroidering the truth, I ensured my brother and I never got off on the wrong tack. Before breakfast anyway.
Sparrow: housewiffery is my forte. I remember the day well when I told myself, “Sam, my girl, by the time you’re 32 you will be a housewife, and well on your way to your first million perfect cups of tea.” And by God, I think I did it too. Goals are important.
Sneezy, ha! I like that. Although where I come from tractors are viewed as necessities. How else is a man going to hold your head up in the bar if he doesn’t have a big red shiny one that he regularly buffs? In Lewis the tractor plays the same role that cod-pieces used to.
Conotje, hi! Welcome. For all his faults, George Bush is meant to be great company in the bar too. It’s funny that he should have so much in common with deniaal, but I’ve heard they hang out together a lot, sometimes meeting up with Cheney and Arrogance for an X-box session. They really like war games, it’s said, but have trouble getting past the first level.
Vince, are you calling me a Golden Ass?
Oops got to go, back soon…
April 13th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Boo!
‘mback.
Mom101, Beauty, while being gentle and kind and all the rest of it is also willful. That’s the trouble. She was dying to study in New York, to strengthen her spirit there, but her head has been turned by this young buck called Intemperance and he’s filled her with ideas of painting the newly uncovered canvas of Greenland with grass and flowers and rabbits. I’ve tried to explain that, although beautiful, that’s not quite the right beauty for that land, and that the work she’d done there before Intemperance came along was an extraordinary piece of minimalist perfection. But Intemperance has done a number on her. And he’s got her smoking too, dulling her indescribable eyes, so she can’t see what the ash falling on the page is doing to her work. Maybe if I got her tickets for The Producers, she’d change her mind.
fmc, I agree. There are certain of my family members I wouldn’t like to see stumbling around some of the places in Bloggityland that I go. Whole new worlds would be opened up for some of them. While they might be able to handle that, embrace it even – although something tells me not – I’m not sure I would. Have you heard anything from the Sindo yet? Anybody emailed you to apologize?
April 13th, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Not at all, nor am I expecting them to. Fortunately my brilliant back up plan of drinking copious amounts of vodka + coca cola light ( I do have a race to run on Sunday y’know) has smoothed my ire considerably. And also I have most excellent company tonight-who are now playing playstation football-thus giving me a chance to call here before Nothern Exposure starts.
See? It’s a glorious way to be.
Night
X
April 14th, 2007 at 5:46 am
The idea of death and even beauty is never fixed, its always changing so each become the others mothers.
April 14th, 2007 at 6:57 am
I was wondering why Jesus hated Hypocrisy so much if she was really the mother of Religion. Then the penny dropped. She must have seduced Jesus when he was tipsy, the conniving tart.
April 14th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Weeeeeheeee! Drunk in charge of a comment box, plus it’s a wonderful life anyway! fatmammycat, my darling, I thoroughly admire your whole fmcish way of being. And you will run your wee socks off on Sunday, of that I’m sure. You rock my blog-world, sweetie-pie, and I am so happy to have made your e-aquaintance. x
Old Knudsen, sometimes you say the most beautiful things. Other times you say monstrously vile things, but you do have a way with the beautiful things of life. x
Nanas, well, you know how I feel about you. (furious blush) If it weren’t for those pesky cross-species love restrictions I would melt into your strong, hairy arms like a pan-drop (I’m very pale) in a wooly mitten. The very next time I’m in London I’m coming to the zoo where I will sit at your feet and gaze up at your noble mien as you ’splain me great wisdoms and mysteries of the soul. x
April 14th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Caro’s right you’re brilliant. This is a great piece.
April 14th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Sounds a bit incestuous to me. BTW Sam I was berated for writing about WW11 (eleven) instead of WW2. Just in case you have the same nit picker.
Off topic the photo of of Kurt whatsit of ‘So it goes ‘ fame who has just died has sort of captivated me and I wonder if you have any thoughts on him?
Oh did I tell you you are a golden girl? I’m proud of you.
April 14th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
This would make a great script for the next big animated Disney movie. Nice one!
April 15th, 2007 at 9:36 am
These mommy blogs are all the same – dad doesn’t get a mention.
What about Father Time and Daddy Cool?
April 15th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Dear, how about a post on Necessity as the mother of strange bedfellows. The story of my college days, what.
Cheers.
April 16th, 2007 at 5:12 am
Apprentice, a great piece of nonsense, a great waste of time, a great lot of dross, a great aunt of drivel. Cheers you, you’re lovely.
Pat, the Problem Husband never says world war two. It’s always dubya dubya two for him. I worry that G. Dubya might be setting of WW3. I did think about doing a Kurt Vonnegut post but I’ve seen so many tributes done so well in the past few days that I don’t really have anything that hasn’t been said. Besides, I’ve only read Slaughterhouse Five of all his work. It was unforgettable. I think it’s interesting how many women in bloggityland have husbands who won’t go near any other fiction but who gobble up Vonnegut. I read him on my husband’s recommendation too.
Eddie, I see Death’s voice as being played by Babs Windsor. It would be cool if Death had her giggle.
Kim, Father Time had a nervous breakdown after he’s heard a couple of things Einstein said. He said he didn’t know he could bend in a continuum with space. He had been lying to himself, telling himself he was straight, for all these years, since Himself immemorial, actually. These days he’s far happier in himself and campaigning for the other Properties Of The Universe to affirm their sexualities and to stop being so scared of what people in pointy hats say. Daddy Cool isn’t any more. He lived in Hollywood for a while and that was his undoing: fashions change so quickly there.
Rand’, Necessity hung out with Frank Zappa back then, right?
May 29th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Brilliant post, Sam.
I’m going to link it.
May 29th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Medbh, there you are! I’ve been hunting all over for you. I replied up on the latest post.