Prob The Builder, Can She Fix It? Prob The Builder, Yes She Can!
What did I build yesterday?
1. Hopes?
2. Dreams?
3. A papier-mache volcano with real fizzing lava?
4. It, so they will come?
5. A cherry for a tree for the set for Anton Chekhov’s “The Cherry Orchard?”
6. A new world, right in my kitchen?
7. A new world order, right in my bathtub?
8. A bad reputation?
9. A good reputation?
10. A reputation for snoopy nosiness and infuriating impertinence?
11. A small wall of my very own with which to shut out sadness but which will also shut out joy in an ironic twist I should have forseen but will learn a valuable, heart-breaking lesson from in days to come.
12. Someone up, just to tear them down?
13. Assorted Lego erections?
14. A garden of earthly delights?
15. An enormous sandwich a la mode? (Yes, I know what I said.)
16. A mansion of love in my heart which no man can e’er tear down?
17. A better bum?
18. Static electricity with balloons and hairy jumpers?
19. A tower of song?
20. A solid, dependable attitude, in general?
21. An outreach program for the Disenchanted of Tunbridge Wells?
22. A tissue of foul, foul lies? And if so, what about?
23. All of the above?
24. Most of the above? And which?
25. Something else entirely?
May 8th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Well I don’t know if you don’t, Sam, but the detail in number 11 makes me a little concerned for you. You’ve already told us you have number 16, so that’s just a tease. And I dearly hope you achieve number 17 with the aid of a bicycyle.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Nope, Nanas, no bicycle. I achieved it with a hill. Am still achieving though. There’s always more – or less – bum to achieve. Climb every mountain tralala etc!
May 8th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
A better bum. Definitely a better bum.
And a bad rep. A badass problem child bride with a great ass.
May 8th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I would like to think #7 but I’m going with #25 and there is a subtle lack of sheep in that post.
May 8th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
You really MUST remember to eat. With a workload like yours, a sandwich, french or otherwise, would hardly prime the pump. Never mind running the thing.
May 9th, 2007 at 12:09 am
18 and 19 are my favourites. Something buttercup related maybe (on an aside, one of my most bizarre New Year’s Eve celebrations included a crazy Philippino man singing that song at a night club in Port Moresby)? How about a bridge? Or an ivory tower? Or a bicycle for two – then you could contribute to the better bum! So many possibilities.
May 9th, 2007 at 3:49 am
You built a list of 25 things, only one of which was not appended with a question mark.
Buy then, The Elders of Weirdybeardysville may have passed a bye-law imposing a limit of two dozen questions in any one list.
May 9th, 2007 at 9:49 am
what was the question again?
sorry it’s the liam neeson news that you commented that’s totally weirding me out
May 9th, 2007 at 10:33 am
I sure hope you had nothing to do with number 11 and maybe something more to do with number 25???
May 9th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I’m going with None of the Above and demanding a re-count if everyone doesn’t vote the way I do.
May 9th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
All very well, but if you’re anything like the builders round here you’re booked up for the next 18 months and even then yoiu won’t turn up. Or if you do, you’ll make a big hole in the roof, take the first payment on account, then vanish.
Please don’t get me started on plumbers.
Plumbers? The spawn of Satan!
May 9th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
you did everything, because that is what you do best
May 9th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
I bet number 17 is already perfect, if only you would believe the people who told you rather than your inner demons, who only ever lie.
Though I’m tempted to try number 7 out myself.
May 9th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Wow!! Gives me a few ideas as to how to fill my day tomorrow. I’ve already done a few today by means of entertaining a two year old, so I feel very fulfilled right now. Thanks for that.
May 10th, 2007 at 8:20 am
I’m betting #25. I immediately thought of Theodore Sturgeon’s story, “Microcosmic God,” one of my favorites….
They stole it for a “Simpsons” episode, so you know it’s good.
May 10th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
I wish you were bloomin’ well over here, I spent most of yesterday lollygagging abut the place trying to reclaim garden from wilderness. Then you would have done that, and I would have made us sambos and mixed us Mai tais.
May 10th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Last night I typed out a whole bunch of responses to your lovely comments but I lost them before I published, with one toe-nail wiltingly unlucky strike of a key.
“ROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRR!” I roared.
And then I was too tired to think so fell asleep and had a dream about typing out all my responses to the lovely comments and deleting them all by accident. And then I woke and discovered the horrible hairy truth, and what’s more that horrible hairy truth is true!
Ratfink!
I’ve had my morning constitutional, now I need coffee and then I’ll be back for another shot at it.
May 10th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Sassy, as far as problemchildbrides go they don’t come any badder-assy than me, sistah. There’s no point in having an ass if it ain’t got no attitude. My motto is “An ass without attitude is like a day without sunshine.” Or it will be from tomorrow.
Brianf, dammitall! I was going for a blatant lack of sheep in the post. It looks like I can do neither subtle or blatant now then. I am overwhelmed with misery and regret about past mistakes but most of all I just wish I’d nailed blatant.
Vince, I do forget to eat meals sometimes which people get all uppity and incredulous at. “How can you forget lunch, Sam?” “Well it’s really very simple,” I explain patiently, but remaining on guard for another quick-fire, critical question. “See I just freakin’ fail to remember to eat it! And then they run away from me as fast as they can which I find hurtful, so see there are no winners.
Carolyn, some years ago, the Problem Husband and I found ourselves on an island in the Danube at Budapest on a kind of tandem cycling machine, the lovechild of a tricycle and a church pew. About half-way around our chosen route, my thighs were screaming and I was going blithering in the heat and then I noticed: He was not pedaling! Oh sure his feet were placed limply on the pedals but he was not exerting an iota of strength and I,at half his weight, had been powering us round the charming paths on my flippin’ ownio!! He had not the decency to express remorse even but just laughed and said he’d wondered when I’d notice. I went on to marry this man and bear his children. If someone could explain that to me, I’d be happy to listen.
Sneezy. Well spotted! But it’s not a clue, no matter how I may now wish it was. It’s just on account of my being a question-mark-forgetting dolt. But you’re right on the other count: the Elders of WierdyBeardysville are out of control. They’re drunk with power and high on local ordinances and they are aiming to ban all lists next. I will have to take this blog underground.
Birchsprite, it is freaky, possible ungodly news, you’re right. He can’t do it. Liam Neeson is a fine actor but he’ll never pull off the broken-veined flobbery jowls and quivering wattles of the Paisley fellow. And if he does, he’ll never get the querulous braying and self-righteous phlegm flinging quite right. And if he does then I’ll have no more truck with him or his dark acting arts.
Nadine, my friend, what housewife has not known a bit of #11 and try to lose herself in putting a second-to-none shine on her faucets!
Kara, the Truth lies within the 25, whilst not actually being 25. Are you a Seeker of The Truth, Kara? Is your heart open and pure? Then you will find your way, you will find your way. The path to Truth is open and, as luck would have it, able to accomodate Seekers on rockin’ new scooters.
Mr. Warmington. I see your plumbers and raise you a WirelessJim. Someone called WirelessJim has set up a network in our neighbourhood which is stronger than ours and has been making our internet connection go all buggered up lately. 2 new routers and about a million hours of tinkering has got our signal stronger than his again, HA! At least where we need it, in our house. Some day, Mr. Warmington, some day we’ll sit with a virtual gin and tonic and just grumble in a freeform way about the charlatan tradesmen and WirelessJims of the world.
Honey, you are as sweet as your moniker, nice lady. Unfortunately, while motherhood has taught me how to hold two bawling babies, answer the phone, write a shopping list and pat an ill cat with my toes all at the same time, multitasking is not what I prefer to do. Unitasking. I like unitasking, a lot more. Can’t beat a bit of nice quiet solitary unitasking, now and again, in this multitasking world.
Kim, by the time I’m done with it #17 will be damn well perfect. And I want to be able to crack walnuts with my thighs. I think my new-found strength will terrify my children into greater obeisance of my every command HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! #7’s great fun – give it a whirl!
Hi K8, welcome! Didn’t someone once say “Time spent with a child is never wasted?” That person clearly had no pre-school/appointment/supermarket to get to. Time spent watching your child complain for the 17th time that her socks don’t feel comfy after 17 sock adjustments is time so wasted it needs its stomach pumped.
FatSparrow, good to see you out and about again, missus. I’ve got half an email to you waiting to be sent. You’ll get it at some point. I have to say though, seeing everybody thinks it is, it’s not #25. The truth is far more prosaic than I think any of you were hoping for.
Fmc, you need Pat, not me, darling. Have you seen her site lately? It’s all a-bloom and she knows the Latin name for everything. How much garden-work is there in September?
May 10th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
sin e
May 10th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
There appears to be ALWAYS garden work darlling. ALWAYS>
May 10th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I have a build up, yep totally impacted, prunes here I come.
May 10th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Hey! You’re welcome! I meant it when I typed it and still do!
So, when you call her FMC, do you mean the Fox Meows Channel?
May 10th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
A house, deep in the desert?
May 11th, 2007 at 3:52 am
Tee hee! That’s very cheeky, making you pedal the whole way.
I still like the static electricity and tower of songs, but will also be happy if you built a few Lego erections.
May 11th, 2007 at 10:49 am
Well that’s true but also I think that we don’t like to admit that we go there!
May 12th, 2007 at 1:22 am
i’ve been reading your comments on other blogs, figured it was high time to come on by and read you in person, so to speak…i picked a good post…thanks, sugar!…was it by chance #3
(or @23?)
May 12th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Yes, never mind all that, what happened to your toe?
May 13th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Greetings PCB, it’s been too long, hope you’re well (and not completely flattened by that rather impressive list).
Though I must ask, with #13, are they the sort that would be subject to blurring and pixellation if televised (even after the watershed)? It certainly makes for an interesting mental image!
May 13th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
I am hoping it was a papier-mache volcano with real fizzing lava. I am in awe of people who can make them, and I think you are a scientific type problem child bride (aren’t you?) and can just see you doing this for your kids on a regular basis although it makes a terrible mess, from what I have seen when uebermoms do it at parties with different colored food colorings.
May 14th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Vince, tha.
fmc – I did something sprainey and stubby at the same time to it on a tree root. It’s better than a poke in the eye which Fate jabbed at me later the same day.
Brianf, our fmc could make mincemeat of any fox, real, metaphorical or televisual.
Bock, I did! You see I’m living for nothing now and this is some kind of record.
Carolyn, could you call a toy-brick erection a third Lego, d’ya think?
Nadine, we all go there several times before breakfast.
Hi savannah, welcome! Tooting! Fanfare! Flung garlands! Yes it was #3 and you are the winner!
Claire, interesting mental images are often a whole lot better that interesting actual images. But you’re right – all the Lego erections we build in this house are deliberately constructed blurrily for the protection of mine and the children’s eyes.
Emma, I don’t know what type I am but it’s not the ubermum type. People will attest to this. I made this myself because it was virtually free – just newspaper and paint, which we had anyway – and it meant I wouldn’t have to shell out a whole lot for a jungly centrepiece for a tea-party jungle table theme at school. I skipped the real fizzing lava part though – not because of the mess but because it would wreck the trees (the spots on it.) Once vanity about one’s volcano sets in, it becomes all consuming enough without adding fizzing lava to all consume it.
May 16th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I’m late to the show, but I vote for 19, because everyone likes to sing.