Volcano and Coke Parties
Part (a) of the answer, I’s afraid, is all too prosaic. It was a papier-mache volcano for a tea-party-in-the-jungleish thing I did for the girls’ pre-school class. In the end, I plumped for non-fizzing or paint-based* lava because vinegar, food-dye and bicarbonate of soda would have completely messed up my trees (or, as “a pal” referred to them, the “what-are-all-these-spots-on-it?” lovingly daubed bits.)
But lookout papier-mache sculptresses, out there! Unreasonable vanity about your own volcano will creep up and consume you, if you’re not vigilant. It’s an insidious suburban epidemic. We housewives will commonly gather to admire our papier-mache volcanoes, secretly thinking our own the finest, before snorting coke off them and ignoring our ironing/children/collapsing septa in a whirly-twirly nirvana. Here ends your peek into the secret life of the 21st century housewife.
Part the second of the answer is #24 but I shall never reveal what else I built that day. You will just have to wait ’til my barely audible death-bed post for that, forgetting for a minute that all my posts are barely audible. You may wonder about it if you wanna, or you may not give a flying fellatio. As you wish**.
* For the tech-heads amongst you.
** Everything is as-you-wish round here, man. Amn’t I all cool and laid back and what have you?
May 14th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
What lucky girls to have a mom like you. It is a most awesome volcano.
May 14th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
MUm, fmc, mUm!! I think there should be more lava and some fleeing villagers. But as to my girls – for every volcano I build them I will disappoint them 10-fold – of this I’m sure. And none of your lovely protestations, sweet fmc. Of this I am most surely sure.
May 14th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Hmmmm…I would’ve taken you for a dark wood dining room table person. But the volcano is nice. Has it been given a name? Vesuvius is taken, but I’m certain you could come up with something…while sitting at that light wood dining room table.
May 14th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Kara, Veronica. I abhor that dining-room table but it was my husband’s before I met him and he won’t part with it. I am doing my best to beat it up with craft-based activities but the damn thing will just not be defaced. But he’s quite right really. With two five-year olds and a bonkers cat, we can’t have nice things.
May 14th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
You know, you could totally have that volcano in a modern art exhibition, and just tell people it’s a woman’s breast, and your statement on how women are the earth, and the earth has been poisoned and raped, and all that. You know, the usual.
It’s strangely hypnotic. I couldn’t stop staring at it.
May 14th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Of course it would be better if you had two of them, and they were mounted sideways. Oh, oh, and if you had like a view-y thing in the middle, with a picture in it!
May 14th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
It’s kinda the same color as those green chicks on “Star Trek.”
Truly, I am hypnotized.
Right, I’m stopping now.
May 14th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
You 21st century housewives are desperate* altogether. No doubt about it. Building volcanoes in the living room. What next? Global warming in the bathtub? Climate change in the garage?
*Irish usage
May 14th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Sparrow, speaking of breasts, we went to a rennaissance fair yesterday and saw vast acres of bosom thrust skywards with corsetry with many truning a violent red in the sun. We made it our photographic theme for the day and took pictures of dual hemispheres wherever we found them. The girls, in a stroke of serendipity, were both wearing pink sunhats with a great big apple on each. There was one slightly bigger than the other of course – but that’s sometimes the way with boobs, isn’t it. Their cup size is the same though – 8oz both, with Peter-Pan on. And I was going for Star Trek chick green! Thanks for noticing!!
Sneezy, I wish that was within our powers but, even as a collective, housewives can only do so much in the improvement of mankind. We do tackle the Axis of Evil in the attic though and have had a lot of success with pamphleteering and poisoned sandwiches. Our undercover “catering company” has taken out several Al Quaedians and made Kim Jong veryvery Il. Of one thing I’m sure though – global warming should be confined to the bedroom. It’s only decent when children are around.
May 14th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
What a lovely volcano, well done! I agree with the paint-based lava – you don’t want your bicarbonate of soda getting confused with your coke. That would just end in tears.
May 14th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
What’s the name for a papier-mache volcano you do coke off? Crack-atoa?
May 14th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
Carolyn, exactly, for tears would render my volcano soggy. You see the dark paths vanity about one’s volcano can take you down?
I’m having rather a few wicked thoughts about my next batch of scones though. It’ll tell everyone they’re cracking and not-to-be-missed and then I’ll just sit back and watch.
Foots, making it to freebase-camp on Mauna Snowa? Making it to the snow-line on Kill-a-man-jaro? Nope. It’s no use. I can’t best Crack-atoa, even if I screw my eyes up really hard. I’ll be skulking away now to feel unpunny with the cat, who will also think Mauna Snowa is pitiful. Cats humour noone.
May 14th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
cool beans..so what do did i win? and did you print out some “goawayparishilton” stickers? thanks for you comment, i TRULY believe you would!
May 15th, 2007 at 12:02 am
Yay! I got it right. I reckon I’m psychic. And may i say that’s one of the most beautiful paper mache volcanoes I’ve ever seen.
May 15th, 2007 at 12:59 am
Savannah, you did indeed win, my darling! You win plaudits and honours and laurels and shiny silver trophies and high denomination money notes and a night of love with George Clooney. Unfortunately, as you live in California too, the outrageous CA blog competition taxes apply, so I’m afraid the take-home prize is only a nickel, a goawayparishilton button and a quick Taco Bell lunch with Gary Coleman. Sorry ’bout that. Bloody taxes. But you still get heaped in virtual garlands!
Emma, you got it right too. And you may, you may say nice things about it. Not because it is a triumph amongst paper-mache volcanoes but because I spent at least 4 hours on it and it got used for maybe 30 minutes – the children put leaves and a baby preying mantis in it – and then ran away to play cooler games. The attention spans of the young are cruel to a parent’s heart and labours. The baby preying mantis and I felt like Puff, the magic dragon. They didn’t eat all the cakes though, so I had a pleasant scoff with their teacher afterwards who says she feels like Puff every day of her life. As Puff is a local euphemism for crack cocaine we slipped of to the girls loo for a bit and returned feeling like very magical dragons indeed. Sadly, this is only true up to the cake part.
May 15th, 2007 at 1:42 am
Kids and kid stuff is so much fun. The only problem I ever found with them is that they eventually turn into teenagers.
That volcano is too too cool. I made one with my son many moons ago and we went with the whole bi-carbonate thing. Boy, did we trash the kitchen but we weren’t doing lines at the time. What with Jimmy being only 7 at the time and anyways it was the 20th century then ya’ know.
May 15th, 2007 at 3:54 am
*Pulls Sam to one side and whispers* Reply to your Bock comment on my site now.
May 15th, 2007 at 6:12 am
“We housewives will commonly gather to admire our papier-mache volcanoes, secretly thinking our own the finest, before snorting coke off them and ignoring our ironing/children/collapsing septa in a whirly-twirly nirvana.”
Ha! Yes!! I see the papier-mache volcano as a symbol of some sort of advanced housewifery. One of those things that requires a secret handshake in order to know how to make it. I wonder if it’s like potato salad: housewives compare volcano artistry?
May 15th, 2007 at 6:54 am
Will this volcano go towards yer grades or the kids?
May 15th, 2007 at 7:07 am
An absolutely lovely creation. And not an easy one either. That Fujiyama shape, getting it perfect, now that’s hard to pull off.
Re; parshiltons, in takes real talent with true grit to be that annoying and make money from it. I rather like the woman.
May 15th, 2007 at 9:56 am
I am in awe of your volcano building abilities
May 15th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
LMBO..you’re clever, very clever…but i only used to live in california, i’ve run away since to the right coast!…but no worries, i will wear my virtual laurels, etc with style and grace…cos i’m cool like that, sugar
May 15th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Showed you volcano to Little Miss Manuel and she was very impressed. She has made a post office, a bus and a shop this year already. She is the cleaverist girl at school. Well she is 24.
May 15th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Yes, very impressive. The addition of fleeing villagers would be nice, but it is fine as is. Especially if the kids liked it.
May 15th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Fantastic name.
In college, I was so poor…out of sheer desperation my roommate and I ate our third one when she neglected to wake up within 5 minutes of her alarm going off…we didn’t even have salt.
Tag, you’re it.
May 15th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
If ever it is finished with, school project over and gathering dust in a corner will you please do the whole vinegar, food-dye and bicarbonate of soda thing and film it so we can watch. Trees be damned I want a utube type volcano explosion!
Is this modelling really ahead of me? I have a two and a three year old. So far the most complicated thing we have done for school was a thank you card for the teacher.. hopefully crafts aren’t a Belgium thing else my unnatural competitiveness would take over and the resulting concoction would probably have to be airlifted out of our house.
May 15th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Oh, you went to Ren Faire? I am so envious. I used to go (in dress, of course) all the time when it was out here at Glen Helen. We would take the Fledgling Sparrow in a big wagon with a trailer that held the ice chest. She had a canopy and muslin curtains to keep the sun off of her, and we trudged along like peasant tinkers. That was back in the day when you were allowed to bring swords, weapons, booze, monkeys, etc. And could get in at a discount for being in proper costume.
Huzzah!
May 16th, 2007 at 7:20 am
How are you going to make it erupt Sam? It would be nice to have sherbert or something tasty coming out of it.
May 16th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Nice volcano Sam, and if your kids don’t appreciate it then you can always sell it on ebay as a decorative plant pot. Or maybe something to hold pens and pencils. Or, if it’s hollow, a hat. Actually, i’d probably put in a bid or two.
May 16th, 2007 at 8:39 am
cool volcano thingy, can i have one too?
May 16th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I like the shape, although inverted isn’t my favorite.
May 16th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Brianf, I’m trying to suck up the kiddie days before they turn into trolls at teenagehood.
Sneezy, thanks, hun.
Hi Kanani, welcome. Come away in. These potato-salad comparing plebeian housewives need years more work before they can rise through the echelons of housewiffery to volcocaino level. Or you have to know someone with sway over the top housewives (previously the Order Of The High Mucky-Mucks but with some elbow grease and a few time-honoured household tricks they were later named the Order Of The High Cleany-Cleans) It helps if you’re a Mary Kay agent too, obviously.
Old Knudsen, I gave myself a gold star and a shiny red apple for it.
Vince, Paris has been trained in the annoying arts by her mother, right from the breast. Not her mother’s breast, of course – they paid a Puerto Rican to suckle the young Paree.
birchsprite, you know I just don’t think I could pull it off again. I am creatively exhausted after my volcano opus.
Savannah, if you’re an East Coaster now, you could wear the garlands and laurels ironically with a lot of black and a jaunty hat. And perhaps a Diane Keatonesque tie.
Manuel, a post office? God, I’m impressed! She is way out of my league. I’ve still got a lot of work to do on my rudimentary hovel building technique. I bow before Little Miss Manuel’s post-office in wonder.
VegasJoe, if I’d put fleeing villagers in at least one of my girls would be devastated. She’d ask all sorts of questions which would lead to us discussing death and loss and poverty and it’s just too hard. She’d be in floods all day.
Kara, in college, I was sooooo poor the richer students hired me to piggy-back them between classes. I still flinch and half expect the whip whenever I hear the words “giddy-up.” But I was grateful for the occasional nosebag of simple oats I got from the Young Socialists. They had the heaviest textbooks, see and they weren’t without conscience.
Honey, glue and dried macaroni elbows will figure largely in your future. And glitter and sticky tape and completely buggered up vacuum-cleaners. I want an explosion too but You Tube would require some tecchie-learning on my part which I’m against, on principle.
Sparra’, this Ren Fair was heavy on the pirates. ProblemChild1 flirted shamelessly for booty and shiny plunder. We shall have to put bars on the window for that one when she hits the teenage years, I fear.
Nanas, I was going to mix vinegar with red food dye adn pour it onto bicarbonate of soda in the crater but I saw a thing on You Tube the other day where a couple of fellows put Mentos mints into diet Pepsi bottles and practically created a Vegas calibre fountain show, so I might experiment with that a bit. And it would taste better too.
Asym, I like your idea of turning children’s crafts into hard cash, I like it a lot. I could become one of these internet volcano millionaires we’re always reading about!
Wee Niaff, “volcano thingy?” Volcano thingy?? That thingy took four bleedin’ hours to lovingly craft! Why, I’ll give you thingy – come here you little tyke…dup…dup…come here! Damn, missed! Make your own you wee loafer!
SafeT, well there is a corrective procedure I could do to fix that but unfortunately most insurances regard it as cosmetic and non-necessary and just won’t cover it. Inverted volcanoes in Mexico and the Philipines can get it a lot more cheaply, I hear. They don’t have to deal with the bloody FDA, see.
May 16th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Those volcanos are a blast (pun intended).
May 17th, 2007 at 8:18 am
“..internet volcano millionaires we?re always reading about!”
I seriously would like that on my work record. Much more impressive than ‘computer geek’.
May 17th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
What a great way to bring up your kids to go with the flow!
Very impressive indeed Sam. Bicarb is great stuff isn’t , I used to use it to power my cigar holder submarines when i was wee – before we went nuclear lol.
My great creative project was a landscape for my son’s Playmobile cowboys. It included mountains made out of egg boxes, so I called the place Free Range.
May 17th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
A quick glance at our kitchen table would show it to be a pale pine colour apart from all the stains and felt-pen marks all over it. I don’t suppose volcano marks would make much difference.
May 17th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Postal vote ?, happy ?.
May 18th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Sassy, groan. Pumice not to pun like that again?
Asym, but not as impressive as computer leek. They’re smart, those Welsh, you know.
Apprentice, slightly louder groan than Sassy’s. “Free Range” – I love it! But what in the wide world is a cigar-holder submarine and what do you do with the bicarbonate of soda?
Kim, no kitchen table can withstand the fury of a papier-mache volcano. Especially not my one, Mt. Veronica.
Vince, I can’t even vote postally because I haven’t been resident in the country for over 5 years. It’s been 10 years since I lived in Scotland.