Jolly Well Done, Me. Not Dead Yet.
A long time ago in a land far away, a plucky little girl-sperm puffing I think I can! I think I can! won the race to the egg. I knew I could! I knew I could! said smug little she as she fused her DNA to the egg’s setting off a cascade of reactions, causing chemical gradients to arise in the newly formed embryo and triggering DNA switches on and off according to the various concentrations and proportions of chemicals in these gradients. Over time a little girl grew and developed and gave her mother’s inwards a hell of a time.
Already she’d had a world of dumb luck dodging genetic bullets such as cystic fibrosis and developmental landmines like cerebral palsy. She knew nothing of this luck though for she was just a baby.
Birth happened and apparantly hurt a lot, but not her. Phew!, she would have thought if she thought thoughts such as Phew at that time. I’ve made it this far, now what?
Over the next several decades or so that very “what” went right ahead and happened and the little girl grew up in a randomly assigned remote, windy place where everybody keeps low to the ground like moss to keep from being torn from the very living land into the very deadly sea. With incredible good fortune and an early understanding of umbrella husbandry, the little girl avoided being blown out to sea. Managing to not get hurled to a watery grave got easier as she grew and got heavier but was counterbalanced by her also getting taller. Nevertheless, to the ground she would stick, well into her teens until she became unstuck a little.
Years passed and the little girl grew and made Poor Choices on bicycles, ponies and ice-skating rinks leading to four broken bones in all, and some pain. But still she survived, right into her teenage years when she discovered adult beverages and made more Poor Choices which occasionally ended up causing her to fall over. She was finally getting the hang of not breaking bones though so she looked upon this period as one of marked progress.
Time passed again, doing that awkward smiling hahahelloagainhaha thing you do when you’ve met someone you used to know really well at the apples in the supermarket, chatted pleasantly about all either of you care to, but then keep re-meeting them at every aisle in the place until the checkouts, by which time your conversation with this person, or Time, in this case, is exhausted and you’ve both given up all pretense of trying.
Various things happened and both good and bad times were had, as is normal, and today I’m 33 and have reached a personal best in terms of years without broken bones. I married; I bred, getting a great twoferone deal on babies in 2002. I felt – still do – very very lucky indeed.
That’s it. I failed to fall under any buses and have always been pretty good about eating my vegetables. I did not choke on any of the toys my mother feared I would and now, doctors say, there is every reason to suppose I might live another 33 years. I might not, of course, but I’m not going to sweat that now because this weekend I’m having a 93rd birthday party. My very good friend turns 60 and I turn the very mundane and non-milestoning 33 but we’re celebrating together because she doesn’t want a whole party’s limelight shone on her by herself. I welcome every excuse to party and drink and behave like a buffoon, plus this might be the only 93rd birthday I get so I’m going to enjoy it while I’m still young enough to remember what to do with a glass of barley-pop.
Made it to 33 then. Phew! Keep on going there, Sam; steady as she goes. Watch out for banana skins and don’t eat pink chicken.
May 18th, 2007 at 7:50 am
Happy Birthday, dearest. When you reach an age which has the same digits you must moon at the moon. That’s an old tradition we have in the Congo. I know you’ll do it for me, unless there’s no moon tonight.
May 18th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Happy birthday Sam! Here’s hoping its a lovely one. Enjoy your 93rd birthday party and don’t overdo it – caution is best at your age…
May 18th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Happy Birthday Darling, might I suggest some more supping and soft falling to make this occasion. I second the chicken thing too, and never eat any seafood at all on Mondays.
xx
May 18th, 2007 at 9:19 am
Hooray and Happy Birthday to you
May 18th, 2007 at 9:39 am
Nanas, I’ll do it! I’ll do it for you, you know I will! I only worry about the turtles and other creatures that use the moon for navigation. My bum is shockingly white, you know, and I fear will outshine the moon in the moon’s own damn moonlight. I’ll be like a step-up transformer for lunar luminescence.
Caro, thank-you, you’re right, of course. I’ll be sure to have plenty of nice sit-downs and lovely young men to help me up and down. As it were. Also I’m having the strong hairs from my chin waxed off on Saturday morning to look my very best.
Fmc, thanks, hun. I eschew seafood on Mondays although I chew it on other days. Supping will be done, sugar-plum. Oh yes, I feel a good night’s supping a-coming on.
Birchsprite, you are sweetness itself, you know that? Thank-you.
May 18th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Congrats, Sam – go wild at the party. Make sure someone brings in a traffic cone, it’s traditional.
May 18th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Ah, so it really is your birthday. Have a good one Sam. Now you’ve lived as long as Christ, which is as good a reason as any to get hammered. Just not to a cross, I hope.
The Smashing Pumpkins have a song called Thirty Three (also about Christ) which I will play today in your honour.
May 18th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Well done Sam. A big happy birthday to you – and your friend! Wishing you a minimum of another 33 years.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
A Chara, have a happy birthday. And may you continue to be lucky.
May 18th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
You could have a Crucifixion party.
May 18th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Happy Birthday Sam I Am!
we are doing a 100th birthday for my brother and my dad next year – they just don’t know it yet. One will be 70 the other 30.
May 18th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Asym, ta. I know just the traffic cone I want too. I spied a nice new one on my walk this morning.
Kav, Christ, eh? Now I feel kinda bad. Kinda like I ought to have spent my life up til now in more worthy ways. Kinda like vodka ought to have played a smaller part in my teens. Kinda like I wasted too many opportunities to say wise things. Kinda like a waste of space, actually.
Charlotte, thank-you. I’ll be trying my very hardest. I reckon the thirties have been way way better than the twenties, so far, at least. Are they for you?
Vince, m’darlin’, thank you. Fortunes can change so quickly in this life it’s scary – thanks for wishing me luckiness – we all need it every day, don’t we?
Bock, that’s it! By God, man, what an excellent theme idea for a party! We could serve trays of sponges soaked in vinegar and have tiny wee crucifix toothpicks in our sausages-on-sticks! We could beat on a Judas pinata until 12 pieces of silver fell out and wear hilarious party-crowns of thorns. It might take us all 3 days to rise again though.
May 18th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
John, thank you! It’s a good idea, the 100th birthday party. In a lot of ways it’s more fun to share a birthday celebration with a loved one. Hope it’s a good one for them – you lot sound like a really close family.
May 18th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Happy 93rd birthday! Be careful not to drink too much and make sure you blow all your candles , enjoy your day. I too am a 1974 girl sperm.
May 18th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Wehelllll! Happy Birthday, you clever-strong-girlsperm-product! I shall raise a glass to you this evening in my own little corner of the country. Maybe I shall raise more than one. Oh, definitely at least four, who am I kidding.
May 18th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Happy Birthday!
Welcome to the 33-year-olds club. We don’t break bones.
May 18th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Well, if you’ll forgive me being such a pedant, the sponges would have to be soaked in vinegar with gall. More authentic.
Also, I was thinking you could hand out little crucifixion kits to the children. Tiny little Jesus figures, and even tinier little hammers and nails.
May 18th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
First of all…happy birthday. I tip a Rolling Rock in your direction. Or rather, I will if I ever get the fuck out of this office.
Second of all…I want to hear the story of the child that didn’t keep low enough to the ground and got blown into the sea. And make it sound all Poe-esque.
May 18th, 2007 at 11:45 pm
Happy birthday Sam! Have a good one. I’m 34 and the oldest person where i work. They call me “older than Jesus”. Bastards…
May 19th, 2007 at 12:08 am
happy birthday, sugar! dammit, i have scarves older than you…and 2 kids, but i digress…anyway..it’s all about you today! enjoy, celebrate and have fun! i hope i’ll be reading you for many more years to come…if my eyes don’t fail me *snickering*
happy birthday drinking in your honor! cheers
May 19th, 2007 at 4:26 am
Cutting this close, but whew, I’ve made it – I got in with a Happy Birthday, Sam, before midnight in your time zone.
We have Santa to thank for this – He died on the cross so that we could have time zones and the Internet.
May 19th, 2007 at 9:44 am
A great big happy birthday to you! I hope the party was ace with plenty of fantastic and exciting beverages and snacks, and entertainment of the most entertaining kind. Hooray for birthdays!
May 19th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Happy 93rd Sam!
I’m appallingly jealous as I don’t know anyone I share a birthday with.
Hope you have a great day and your arse doesn’t get too cold mooning at the moon!
May 19th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Hey, thanks for visiting my blog. enjoy your weekend / birthday bash!
May 19th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Birthday, Happy Happy!
33 is a great year. James Joyce was 33 when he wrote A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Jesus was 33 when he arose from the dead. I was 33 when I got divorced. Keep up the good work on not breaking bones. When I was a kid and came into close contact with the ground with rapid acceleration I never broke a bone. I broke organs instead. One kidney down, a shattered spleen and a tree branch through a lung. You know kid stuff.
May 19th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Happy Birthday or is it a ploy to get drinks bought for you? anyway well done whatever the reason and many more and to yer friend too.
Lets hope you make better choices than Jesus did at this age, when the Romans cum, run like hell.
May 20th, 2007 at 1:13 am
A belated Happy birthday. Also avoid yellow snow.
May 20th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Belated Happy Birthday, Sam!
Don’t worry about that Jesus thing, he didn’t do much after the age of 33 anyway, so you can feel free to rest on your laurels, too. Who knows, someone might just start a religion based on you.
May 20th, 2007 at 10:09 am
The chubby bird has a great idea – let’s call ourselves Saminites. btw: Will we believe in free love or paying for it?
May 20th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Alive??????? Here is a recipe for a ‘pick you up’. Think, Waltons mtn with a Celtic spin. ONE SOUR, TWO SWEET, THREE WEAK, FOUR STRONG. The sour is lemon or similar, sweet = mango, water = weak, while the strong is any top shelf packing a wallop. Tweak relative to ability/ nearness to death. But no Pastis, Pernod or anything based on wormwood, and apples will be the death of you. Ice, used only to cool ones brow.
May 20th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
Many Happy Returns Sam and Many Happy Returns Miss 60 and to both of you I would adjure you to remember – every time you stand at the kitchen sink to tighten up your pelvic floor.Would love to join you but will be there in spirit. Eau de Vie perhaps?
May 21st, 2007 at 10:57 am
L? breithe shona dhuit, Sam!
Now that you rotate at the right speed you’ll find everyone can sing along with you!
May 21st, 2007 at 11:21 am
Far to late to say happy birthday but big well done on such a great post
*mutters with jealousy*
May 21st, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Nadine, 1974 was a very good year for girl-sperm.
Andraste, cheers backatcha!
Sassy, well now you make it sound like a challenge. Must. Not. Break. Bone Whilst. 33!
Bock, it was an absolutely no-child party. Unlike Jesus, my co-birthdayee would only suffer the little children to be fast asleep in bed by the time we got started.
Kara, Once upon a time there was a little child who didn’t keep close enough to the ground and got blown out to see. And a raven saw it. THE END.
Manuel, do you think you can still get away with saying you’re in your early-30s at 33 and 34? At what point do we have to start saying “mid-thirties”? I’m holding onto early 30s ’til 37 anyway.
Savannah, my husband has gold-toe socks older than me. Can’t beat the quality in those gold-toes. I’ll need darning before they will.
Sneezy, bless your lovely 8-hour shifted soul! Do you think it’s fair to say that, at Christmas at least, Santa is bigger than Jesus? Cadbury’s might very well trump him at Easter too.
Carolyn, and bless your lovely 10-hour ahead soul too! I second your Hooray and nominate Hooray for public office.
Kim, there was another fellow at the party who, it turns out, had his birthday on the 18th of May too. As did Pope John Paul II. All the best people were born that day – real movers and shakers and, uh…housewives.
Nadine, it was a pleasure. I love to see these pictures of Malta, it’s a lovely place to live. One of these days i want to go back there.
Brianf, bloody hell, man! Isn’t your skeleton supposed to protect your soft organs and bear the brint of knocks and stuff? I’d fire your’s if I were you. Flippin’ ouch!
Old Knudsen, I’m constantly thinking of ploys to get drinks bought for me. I shall steer clear of Jerusalem all this year too, although the chances of anyone mistaking me for the Messiah are minimal – I just can’t grow the beard, see. Or think of the wise things to say. I think I’d be cut out during the first round of interviews for the position.
Paw, thank you, and you’re not wrong. Yellow snow is jaundiced and very low in iron – you do your rbc no favours at all by eating it. White snow, while only adequate in iron content, is pretty high in calcium and is a better choice.
Sparrow, it must have been brilliant to have had all your best work done by 33. Mind you, there’s probably not much to do in heaven for Jesus, after all the excitement of Earth. Just never-ending bliss. Sigh. Why does that sound so unappealing? I think there must be a very deep flaw in my character to not be excited by the idea of eternal bliss. Would this bliss waver? Would some parts be more blissful than others. The monotony of bliss would surely drive you insane, no?
Sneezy, free, of course – I’d be a Scottish saviour, after all. if I’d had a little boy I could have called him Samson which is kind of holy. Holier than Samsdaughters, anyway, which is what I really have, although, I have to say, both have days when they are surely holy terrors. I’m a proud mama, me. Saminites, hmm – I like it. We’ll take Mondays off as our holy day and eat cake with custard and neat gin on our high feasts and holy days. You can be my first high priest if you’re not busy Mondays?
Vince, I do find that formula very appealing and like how easy it is to remember which is a weak spot of mine sometimes. It’s the tweaking that’s most fun, of course. I’d only eat apples the morning after if they’d been deep-fried first.
Pat, my pelvic floor exercises have developed to the point where they practically warrant their own Olympic gymnastics competition. I must, I must restore my floor! is a mantra no post-childbirth woman can afford to forget. Eau de vie isn’t for me though, I’m afeared. I had to stay on beer and wine all night just to stand the pace. I’m rubbish, these days.
Conan, I’m kinda scratchy and gather dust easily too though, I’m afraid. No music purist would give me the time of day any more with their all new fancy schmancy digital lifestyles. Booo
I think you may be trying to suggest how deeply uncool I am, and I’m with you on that. It’s true – I only got over-sized sunglasses last week when I suspect wee John Lennon round ones will be the sun-spectacle of the summer again. In some ways I’m afraid I might always be rotating at 33.
Hi irishflirtysomething – welcome, you’ll have a wee tot of something to keep out the weather, won’t you? Ah, see I knew you would. I think we could become very firm friends. We’re already fully stocked with extra rum for fmc, what’ll you have?
May 21st, 2007 at 9:12 pm
Aw Sam, no! This is the 33rd time I have forgotton your birthday! Hope you had a lovely time at your 93rd party. Yes, I sometimes can’t quite believe we have made it this far too. I look back at those Dalrymple Days and shake my head in grateful disbelief that we are still around to tell the tale. And then I shudder.
August 9th, 2011 at 8:01 am
Great One…
I must say, its worth it! My link, http://www.protectiamediului.org/caroline/,thanks haha…