Challenging New Performance
I am to be in a play!!
I’m tremendously excited. It’s called The New Goldilox (for avant-garde edginess.)
I’m playing Goldilox; the Problem Husband is Daddy Bear – a role he was born to play; Problem Child II, an accomplished act-awr in her own right – having already appeared as Goosey Loosey in this Spring’s runaway pre-school success, Chicken Little – is Mummy Bear and will be wearing beads and high heels; Baby Bear will be played by Problem Child I, a precocious young talent making her acting debut as something other than a queen, frog or puppy in this performance; Kasia, the babysitter, is The Fairy (!) in a dramatically new interpretation of the beloved tale.
We will be playing to Trouble, the cat, who will be furnished with a ticket and a programme. Costuming is tomorrow and we perform on Friday morning at 10am in the sitting-room. We are all very nervous.
Rather than rework the same tired old story of breaking and entering, robbery and alarm, the play is designed to appeal to the contemporary cat. We feel sure this new twist on a beloved classic will have Trouble on the edge of her basket which we will also place on the edge of the sofa, just in case.
None of us has seen a script yet which, we are told, is still in its development phase, the script-writer not having completely married form and meaning yet, and not quite being able to actually write whole words, although she’s trying very hard. I am to be recruited as an assistant there but we are all very comfortable with improv. The actor-directors PCs I and II are amazingly intuitive and know how to give we artists our heads to throw in sneezes or dramatic coughs whenever we feel the story requires it. We brainstorm a lot.
In addition to my roles as script-writing assistant, wardrobe assistant and goldie-locked* act-awr, I will be responsible for making the porridge because neither Baby nor Mummy Bear are allowed near the stove. They will, however, be allowed to stir in the raisins.
Lighting will be done by the Sun and Windows.
Make-up by ProblemChildBride.
Post-show cast party will be handled by Del Monte and Pepperidge Farm with assistance from PCB.
Gaffers: PCI and PCII
Assistant Gaffer: PCB
Assistant to Ms. PCI: PCB
Assistant to Ms. PCII: PCB
Special Effects: Problem Husband will growl.
Filmed on location at Problem Castle, California
Produced and Directed by the Misses Problem in association with Shoestring Productions
I hope everyone reading will urge me to break a leg tripping the boards rug on Friday.
I asked a round of questions at a very drunken Tuesday Pub Quiz last night, in front of a notoriously difficult and rowdy audience, but I’ve never played The Sitting Room before and I confess I feel a little stage fright even at this early stage in production. But then all the Greats did. Bearing in mind I’d have a hard time imagining Trouble naked, has anyone got a good cure for stage-fright?
* Braided yellow wool and pipecleaners.
June 21st, 2007 at 6:32 am
It is going to take a hundred sheets of paper all coloured-in brown and then taped together to make Daddy Bear’s costume according to our financing director Problem Child I. I just hope we don’t go over budget. Daddy Bear is throwing in his special effect growling gratis though on account of getting the chance to work with two such giants of the industry as the Problem Sisters.
June 21st, 2007 at 10:24 am
I would give my last rolo to see such a production. Sounds most fun.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:30 am
By all means break all eight legs – in the nicest possible way – we thespians know what we are talking about. I’m devastated not to be there. I would have loved to take you through the dress rehearsal but it could have been the end of a beautiful friendship.
The problem, I fear, will be to keep your audience in situ. It’s so disconcerting if they just stalk off. Any plans for that eventuality? I’m thinking along the lines of a cat friendly version of super glue but as cats aren’t my thang I’m floundering here.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Ooh, can I watch? I’ll hold Trouble’s paw in case he gets scared.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Trouble will need coaching to say “She’s behind you!!!” at the correct moment. And surely Kasia could do a little more than just ‘fairy’ about the place?
June 21st, 2007 at 12:40 pm
It’s nice to see you’ve stayed true to the craft by sticking with the classics. I do so hate sell-outs.
BTW, I assume there will be roses and champers in your dressing room.
Cheers.
June 21st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Darling, it sounds a smash! I was just saying to Dicky the other day (he’s such a luvvie) it’s been ages since I had a post production cocktail inside me. Well, the look on his face…
Listen, I know it’s terribly gauche to invite one’s self but am I allowed to “come round” after?
I’ll bring the gin.
June 21st, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Sam should you need an understudy, I’ll hope in the car and head down I5. I always wanted to be an act-awr.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Ooh, what’s the number for the box office? – I’d give an arm for tickets
June 21st, 2007 at 7:00 pm
You’re such a clever cabbage!!!! If you put tickets on eBay it looks like you’d be sold out… lucky cat.
June 21st, 2007 at 9:29 pm
fmc, God, Rolos – I haven’t had a rolo in years. Tell me are they still as ooey gooily delicious as they once were in our youths or have they pulled a Wagon Wheelie and shrunk ‘em? Remember how big Wagon Wheels used to be? I was more a Jaffa cake girl but still, it’s a Wagon Wheel for Choc’s sake, not a Parisian ganache: less is not more.
Pat, we could do with your steady direction – this morning’s costuming didn’t make for the most efficient use of our time but all 3 bears were masked Goldilox’s yellow pigtails rawk, and Daddy Bear has a spotty green bowtie.
Charlotte – we plan to have her heavily sedated throughout. With any luck, she’ll never have to know what we made her endure, and it means we don’t have to offer her refreshments at the interval.
Conan, Kasia’s role in the plot is still pretty mysterious although we are clear that she must wear pointy ears. God bless Trouble – it’s a shocking way to treat an elderly cat in the twilight of her life. She can’t take the drama these days – she just wants to dream of friskier, mousier times.
Randall, naturally, dahling. If the performance goes well the cast will be having OJ and Goldfish and flowers will be strewn hither and thither.
Maroon, that is the magic word. Bring cocktail onions too.
John Mc, how do you feel about wearing pigtails? Do you feel you can truly immerse yourself in the essence of Goldilox; examine her motives; capture the spirit of her little gingham self? If you answered yes, or maybe, or hell, even no, to any of these questions t’would be a pleasure to have you. Bring a dish/bottle to share.
Claire, the box office opens as soon as we can find the Goddam cat to come and purchase one. She knows somethings brewing and she’s pretty sure it’s noisy and not to her taste – she likes post-modern, very quiet vaudeville – so she’s scarpered. I haven’t seen her since breakfast.
Gr8 K8, all proceeds go to the Foundation for Young Under-Mimosa-ed Mothers, or YUMM.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:19 pm
I, like, totally heart rolos. I’m going to go and buy one now. I’ll let you know on the size status here in Oz.
This does sound like an exciting production. You’re lucky you got the special effect growling gratis – do you know how much that kind of thing goes for these days? For stage fright I recommend vodka, and/or gin, which will also give you that apple-cheeked glow so important to a good goldilox. Good luck!
June 22nd, 2007 at 7:19 am
You will need to get in character. Get down to Beds-R-Us and Chair-R-Us to do some testing. Use three pots to make different porridges. Practice your too lumpy face and so on.
I have much experience in this. Well my car has – It was used in the movie Man About Dog. For days it practised remaining parked serenely while a large red van drove by. I had to pretend to be the van.
It got well paid. Blew it all on petrol and new tyres I’m afraid. And it insists on being called Harrison since then no matter how often I point out another actor called Ford already has the same name.
June 22nd, 2007 at 8:49 am
“has anyone got a good cure for stage-fright?”
Booze. Down yer neck, girlfriend.
I can’t wait ’til you’re all nominated for a Tony. I’ll get to say “Oh, I knew them when!”
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:21 am
All I would say about booze for stage fright is, it’s better after the performance.. Dear Doreen succumbed to temptation, forgot the door onto the set opened out , not in, and knocked the whole flat over on top of Humphrey who was sitting quietly (on stage) smoking his pipe. He, dear boy, rose to the occasion (not literally – he was under the flat) by declaiming no-one was safe in these days of gerry building and gim -crack apartments. It was quite a struggle to finish the act as no-one but Humphrey was able to speak. Pity it wasn’t meant to be a comedy.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Break a leg, Sam! Cats are notoriously hard to impress, so if you win Trouble over you’re bound for Broadway.
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm
YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube! YouTube!
C’mon – video the thing and let us watch!
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:51 pm
what the pirate king said..YOUTUBE!!! then we all get to see and be ever so proud!
omg, i’m getting teary just thinking of it….
June 22nd, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I agree with Kim and Savannah, of course. Just imagine Trouble with its ears dyed orange to cure your stage-fright.
June 23rd, 2007 at 5:23 pm
Yyaarrr, when I was a young pirate, I starred in Pirates of Penzance – as a gendarme, funnily enough. I found the only cure for stage fright is to strangle a smart mouthed parrot. The guilt you feel afterwards banishes all stage fright and hightens your performance. When we have the annual Christmas play aboard the Thirsty Kipper, I strangles me a parrott every time and it’s never let me down. Be ye warned though. I tried it with a budgie and it doesn’t work.
June 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 pm
They’re still full of gooy chocolatey goodness.
June 24th, 2007 at 12:48 am
Did someone say YOUTUBE? Tremendous idea…
June 24th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Missed first night. The reviews went well?. Or a least better than the Grace O’Malley thing ?.
June 24th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Surely you and the troupe are already in route to Broadway, or at least just off…I shall begin scanning Ticketmaster for the opening and shall be there with bells on. Well, perhaps not bells since that would most likely disturb the other guests and get me thrown to the street in the process. Bravo.
June 24th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
PBC; I was wondering if, since you’ve got the acting but now, that you might appear in my new play. You would play the part of Mrs Claus in a play that’s aimed to finally rid the world of Santa. He only works on night a year. We need a more proactive Christmas figure. I mean, if Santa spent the rest of the year solving crimes, I’d be happier with him. I propose we appoint a new Christmas gift bringer called Herpes The Wonder Horse. He would spend one night bringing Christmas presents to all the boys and girls and he’d solve crimes for the rest of the year. Your role is a pivotal one. You will be torn between your love for Santa and your belief that Christmas needs a major shake up. Santa will be played by Jet Li.
June 25th, 2007 at 5:36 am
My first play was, The Wizard of OZ, and I was the lion. Dealing with stage fright was easy as the Lion is always scared even of his shadow- Soo (said with a Cork accent), when I shook my tail, flubbbed my lines, attempted to leave the stage and cried when they dragged me back onstage everyone thought I was right in character…
I think you have to get in touch with your inner Goldilox…what is it Goldilox fears? channel that fear…better yet, channel Goldilox…get a ouija board and communicate…communication is key! As for Trouble- channel Pus-n-boots, get her input and understanding of the feline psyche.
I’m sure if you follow this advice a Tony is in order… (I expect a mention when you get the Tony!)
June 25th, 2007 at 8:58 am
You aren’t near those raging fires are you? Keep safe. we’re drowning here!
June 25th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Well? Was there an encore? Did Trouble throw roses on stage? Did anyone ‘dry’ on a line?
June 25th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I trust the fact that you haven’t posted about the performance is not an indication of the first reviews. The theater press can be such swine.
Cheers.
June 26th, 2007 at 12:48 am
I wish I could attend (or was even invited) if only for the after-party grub.
June 26th, 2007 at 4:55 am
Carolyn, there are occasions when I’ve had enough gin and vodka to give me more of a Granny Smith green apple-cheeked glow.
Sneezy, some of the finest acting is accomplished with nary a word being spake. It’s all in the slight dip of a headlight or an almost imperceptible raise of a windscreen wipers. Give Harrison huge lovey smooches from me, dahling. Are you on for the BockDevinfest btw?
Fat Sparrow, I plan on being unbearable when fame hits. I’m going to insist on ppst-performance bottles of finest moonshine fedexed in especially from the Hebrides. You – seeing it’s yourself an’ that – may come and bask in the glory of the Family Problem as they wow Broadway. And bask in the glory of the finest moonshine too, ‘course. Goes without saying.
Pat, that’s hilarious – and you describe it beautifully, darling. Was it, you know, Humphrey Humphrey? You have had such a crazy life with all your brushing up with the great and good, that I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute.
Medbh, the trouble is that Trouble is a bit of a high-brow sort of a cat when it comes to theatre. I’m not sure she’ll go for the poo jokes. Perhaps if we throw a few Eugene O’Neillisms in there she won’t notice our scatalogical lines – which are essential to the plot, naturally.
Kim, you callin’ me a tube? Why, I’ll give you tube – c’mere, ya rotter!! (Flails fists wildly,impotently.) But who would film it? We’re all important actawrs, see. All our passion needs to go into our performance. I suppose the cat could be persuaded but I have her on a diet so she’d deliberately focus on my left ear, cutting off my breathtaking performance, or some such other catty pettiness.
Savannah, the other problem with You Tube is that I know not how the feck to do it. And besides, how will everybody fling roses at our feet across the miles and through the glass and stuff? I’m Gen X – I need instant gratification. Also, it would cost me about a year’s worth of taking out the trash to get him to consider it. Or I’d have to start faking interest in routers and cars and machine fairs etc. And he might not agree to the free growling.
Nanas The real reason is a ridiculous one – but I’ve never once claimed to be not ridiculous. I’m not sure if I want the girls enwebbed or enTubed or whatever it would be. I know, I know it is perfectly safe and thousands of parents do it without abductors and murderering madmen storming their houses – but I am a shocking scaredy-cat sometimes. I head-know it’s fine – even heart-know if it comes to it – but try telling my shivering liver and contortionist alimentary canal.
Cap’n P, hie thee and welcome! D’you think an owl would understudy OK for a parrot as I’m a bit thin on the ground for parrots right now (bloody unions). I have a right annoying hooter outside my window these nights though. I think he’s on the pull. Occasionally, I’ll hear some ecstatic squeaking and the sounds old crazy owl love, but they never stay. Girl owls are notoriously fickle, although he does have a charming hoot.
Fmc, I found some here the other day!! They were rubbish though – not the same thing at all. Too sugary – not creamily dreamily caramel enough. But even when i’m back home sweeties don’t taste the way they used to when i was a nipperette.
Manuel, are you calling me a tube too? Go over there – yes there – and take a good look at the bleeding and badly bruised Kim. You think his front tooth just fell out like that? I ain’t no tube, buddy – don’t be callin me no tube, dya hear? (Actually, does anybody outside Scotland call anyone a tube? Ah but you’re only over the water, you must have tubes in NI. Si?)
Vince, performance was rained out at the last minute, I’m afraid – I’ll post about it presently. I am pleased to report though that no hair was lost by anyone in the cast. Trouble’s shedding a little but she’s always changing her hair – vain like that, she is.
Joel. and turn you cell phone off!! The play’s dramatic denouement depends entirely on the tense silence as the bears mount the stairs… And that goes for any doctors and their beepers too. Let the patients die – this is art for God’s sake!
Cap’n P, I’ve consulted with my agent and both agree it is an interesting proposal. Before we sign anything though, I want to be certain that
1. There will be no love scenes with Herpes the Wonder Horse
2. That Herpes be given a shitload of antibiotics
3. I can be Ms rather than Mrs Claus, and get to wear fantastic long red dresses.
4. That I get to die. I am a really good on-screen dier. You’ll not find better for the price, I promise you.
5. Santa is played by Jeremy Irons.
Lets do lunch and discuss.
Hi Jeremy, pleased to make your aquaintance. I agree. It’s importance to discover what Goldilocks was running away from? Why was she in the woods that day? Why did she nick the porridge? What made her fancy a nice sit down and a bit of a snooze? My own personal feeling is that she was a renegade – a rebel fairy-tale character unwilling to be type-cast as the “good little blue-eyed blonde girl”. In fact, i reckon she’d already dyed her hair before she even left the house that warm and sunny morning. The New Blueylox – that’s what we’ll call it. And i will most certainly credit your
artistic direction when we make it big and huge.
Pat, nope – not this year, not yet. The fire’s up by Lake Tahoe and is burning up some of the loveliest scenery in California. lake tahoe is a huge volcanic lake famous for its clarity and fiercely blue water. Now it’s all covered in ash. We’re all worried about fire out here though. Things are tinder dry and we’re in the seventh year of a drought.
Conan, the performance dried, I’m afraid. I’ll post about it in a bit. It’s all to do with Little Pal P, and gets into sexual politics. I’m not sure our neighbours would welcome the protest marches our snowballing-out-of-control play might provoke.
Rand’, You’re right about the theatre press being swine. Funny how they’ve never given a bad review of any known production of The Three Little Pigs, isn’t it? And the word PIG, , rearranged, beaten up and left in an alley somewhere, spells GIT – coincidence? It’s not for me to say.
Mom 101 – despite the collapse of the performance – we still managed to scoff the afters. Pepperidge Farm did us proud – I think we’ll use them again in the future. You don’t know it but you are responsible for my growing desire to eat spicy tuna rolls at any given hour of the day or night, these past weeks. You, yes you!! Don’t look away – it’s your fault!! I have no control over my raw fish desires it seems and therefore cannot be responsible.
June 26th, 2007 at 5:17 am
ROLOS HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM AUSTRALIA! I find this most distressing, and I’m jealous of anybody who has them. Denied, denied I am and my heart is breaking.
June 26th, 2007 at 6:59 am
Carolyn, I blame the rabbit over-population devouring all in their path.
July 19th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
[...] Somewhere in the blogosphere lives the Queen of the Absurd, the ProblemChildBride. She tells a shaggy sheep story like no other. Currently residing in WeirdyBeardsville, USA, the PCB hails from Scotland where, apparently, one knows a thing or two about sheep. I have selected a wonderful post of hers for your delectation. It’s not about sheep, but about bears. Look here and admire as PCB and family Play to the Sitting-Room. [...]