Sneezy, some of the finest acting is accomplished with nary a word being spake. It’s all in the slight dip of a headlight or an almost imperceptible raise of a windscreen wipers. Give Harrison huge lovey smooches from me, dahling. Are you on for the BockDevinfest btw?

Fat Sparrow, I plan on being unbearable when fame hits. I’m going to insist on ppst-performance bottles of finest moonshine fedexed in especially from the Hebrides. You – seeing it’s yourself an’ that – may come and bask in the glory of the Family Problem as they wow Broadway. And bask in the glory of the finest moonshine too, ‘course. Goes without saying.

Pat, that’s hilarious – and you describe it beautifully, darling. Was it, you know, Humphrey Humphrey? You have had such a crazy life with all your brushing up with the great and good, that I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute.

Medbh, the trouble is that Trouble is a bit of a high-brow sort of a cat when it comes to theatre. I’m not sure she’ll go for the poo jokes. Perhaps if we throw a few Eugene O’Neillisms in there she won’t notice our scatalogical lines – which are essential to the plot, naturally.

Kim, you callin’ me a tube? Why, I’ll give you tube – c’mere, ya rotter!! (Flails fists wildly,impotently.) But who would film it? We’re all important actawrs, see. All our passion needs to go into our performance. I suppose the cat could be persuaded but I have her on a diet so she’d deliberately focus on my left ear, cutting off my breathtaking performance, or some such other catty pettiness.

Savannah, the other problem with You Tube is that I know not how the feck to do it. And besides, how will everybody fling roses at our feet across the miles and through the glass and stuff? I’m Gen X – I need instant gratification. Also, it would cost me about a year’s worth of taking out the trash to get him to consider it. Or I’d have to start faking interest in routers and cars and machine fairs etc. And he might not agree to the free growling.

Nanas The real reason is a ridiculous one – but I’ve never once claimed to be not ridiculous. I’m not sure if I want the girls enwebbed or enTubed or whatever it would be. I know, I know it is perfectly safe and thousands of parents do it without abductors and murderering madmen storming their houses – but I am a shocking scaredy-cat sometimes. I head-know it’s fine – even heart-know if it comes to it – but try telling my shivering liver and contortionist alimentary canal.

Cap’n P, hie thee and welcome! D’you think an owl would understudy OK for a parrot as I’m a bit thin on the ground for parrots right now (bloody unions). I have a right annoying hooter outside my window these nights though. I think he’s on the pull. Occasionally, I’ll hear some ecstatic squeaking and the sounds old crazy owl love, but they never stay. Girl owls are notoriously fickle, although he does have a charming hoot.

Fmc, I found some here the other day!! They were rubbish though – not the same thing at all. Too sugary – not creamily dreamily caramel enough. But even when i’m back home sweeties don’t taste the way they used to when i was a nipperette.

Manuel, are you calling me a tube too? Go over there – yes there – and take a good look at the bleeding and badly bruised Kim. You think his front tooth just fell out like that? I ain’t no tube, buddy – don’t be callin me no tube, dya hear? (Actually, does anybody outside Scotland call anyone a tube? Ah but you’re only over the water, you must have tubes in NI. Si?)

Vince, performance was rained out at the last minute, I’m afraid – I’ll post about it presently. I am pleased to report though that no hair was lost by anyone in the cast. Trouble’s shedding a little but she’s always changing her hair – vain like that, she is.

Joel. and turn you cell phone off!! The play’s dramatic denouement depends entirely on the tense silence as the bears mount the stairs… And that goes for any doctors and their beepers too. Let the patients die – this is art for God’s sake!

Cap’n P, I’ve consulted with my agent and both agree it is an interesting proposal. Before we sign anything though, I want to be certain that
1. There will be no love scenes with Herpes the Wonder Horse
2. That Herpes be given a shitload of antibiotics
3. I can be Ms rather than Mrs Claus, and get to wear fantastic long red dresses.
4. That I get to die. I am a really good on-screen dier. You’ll not find better for the price, I promise you.
5. Santa is played by Jeremy Irons.
Lets do lunch and discuss.

Hi Jeremy, pleased to make your aquaintance. I agree. It’s importance to discover what Goldilocks was running away from? Why was she in the woods that day? Why did she nick the porridge? What made her fancy a nice sit down and a bit of a snooze? My own personal feeling is that she was a renegade – a rebel fairy-tale character unwilling to be type-cast as the “good little blue-eyed blonde girl”. In fact, i reckon she’d already dyed her hair before she even left the house that warm and sunny morning. The New Blueylox – that’s what we’ll call it. And i will most certainly credit your
artistic direction when we make it big and huge.

Pat, nope – not this year, not yet. The fire’s up by Lake Tahoe and is burning up some of the loveliest scenery in California. lake tahoe is a huge volcanic lake famous for its clarity and fiercely blue water. Now it’s all covered in ash. We’re all worried about fire out here though. Things are tinder dry and we’re in the seventh year of a drought.

Conan, the performance dried, I’m afraid. I’ll post about it in a bit. It’s all to do with Little Pal P, and gets into sexual politics. I’m not sure our neighbours would welcome the protest marches our snowballing-out-of-control play might provoke.

Rand’, You’re right about the theatre press being swine. Funny how they’ve never given a bad review of any known production of The Three Little Pigs, isn’t it? And the word PIG, , rearranged, beaten up and left in an alley somewhere, spells GIT – coincidence? It’s not for me to say.

Mom 101 – despite the collapse of the performance – we still managed to scoff the afters. Pepperidge Farm did us proud – I think we’ll use them again in the future. You don’t know it but you are responsible for my growing desire to eat spicy tuna rolls at any given hour of the day or night, these past weeks. You, yes you!! Don’t look away – it’s your fault!! I have no control over my raw fish desires it seems and therefore cannot be responsible.

Cheers.

I think you have to get in touch with your inner Goldilox…what is it Goldilox fears? channel that fear…better yet, channel Goldilox…get a ouija board and communicate…communication is key! As for Trouble- channel Pus-n-boots, get her input and understanding of the feline psyche.

I’m sure if you follow this advice a Tony is in order… (I expect a mention when you get the Tony!)