Press Release
Friday’s performance of Goldilox and the Three Bears has had to be postponed. In a last minute development Little Pal P was invited to play the heretofore unknown role of The Other Mummy Bear in a move that has the play taking on a whole new aspect of contemporary politics, and has Daddy Bear none too pleased himself, I’ll warrant.
(Aside – not for press release: He, Daddy Bear, is bearing up* splendidly though, under the circumstances, and used the time he would have been on-stage to read new scripts, tactfully hidden within the pages of “Machine Shop Essentials” catalog, naturally – he doesn’t want to appear anything less than 100% invested in this current production because that might hurt the directors’ feelings. Secretly however, sssshhh, he has been approached by Tantamount Pictures for one of the leads in Grumpy Old Men 3 – an exciting new project with lots of hi-tech, state-of-the-art action-grumpiness scenes. He’s very excited and thinks he nailed the audition – purely a formality in his case. Shoosh though. It’s still all very hush-hush. They haven’t told Nick Nolte he didn’t make the cut yet – something to do with awkward visiting hours at the penitentiary, I think. End of aside)
Anyway, at the 11th hour, Little Pal P was unable to make it due to a summer cold (this is code for court-mandated rehab, of course, but we actawrs don’t like to gossip. Mind you she was a bit shaky in last season’s I’m A Little Teapot and there’s no way anybody believes these tracks on her arms are “just crayon”). Our inimitable cult auteurs, the Problem Sisters – who can’t even spell “cult film” yet, so “out there, keepin’ it real” are they – decided it would be unfair to go ahead without her ‘cos we’d made her a mask and everything.
Secretly, we’re all a little relieved because we need the extra time to draw new programmes which include our new character. The last minute introduction of The Other Mummy Bear is proving in itself to be a bit of an unexpected headache as we try to procure bollards for the street in anticipation of the hysterical homophobic protesters and Mummy Bear effigy burnings weare bound to attract. Hot-dog vendors are vying for the prime spots – all eager to feed the Folks Against Gays (or FAGs, interestingly) crew in between their rota-ed bouts of outraged screaming. And now the ACLU and the Lesbian Thespian Troupe want to stage counter marches! The OK With Gays We Just Hate Actors Society wants to counter the counter-marches. And of course that brings out these crazy Why Can’t We All Get Along Militants.
It’s madness round here, I tell you! We are suffering for our art in all sorts of crowd-control, neighbour-appeasement, mounted policemen ways that RADA just didn’t prepare us for. Still, we must remember the play’s the thing – great art will always triumph, faint hearts ne’er yet won fair Tony and so forth. We must tell the world Goldilox’s story!!
So, although we were all a little disappointed on Friday, we soon cheered up and went to play football which I won! The Problem Children, they don’t play a passing game, see. They don’t bide their time and look for weaknesses in my defence. And they notice too many wee bugs in the grass to really have any success at international level. Frankly, at 5, I expected a lot more from them. We might have to go with tennis if they’re going to have any hope of providing for my luxurious old age.
Performance of Goldillux And The Four Bears – now in its third and, with any luck, last manifestation as a kitchen-sink drama about changing times in the Deep Woods – has been rescheduled for after Little Pal P gets better and our attorneys have had a chance to pre-empt any lawsuits with tricky language and smooth sleights of pen.
* It’s the way I tell ‘em.
June 26th, 2007 at 8:25 am
Your talk of attorneys leads me to suspect this play is shaping up a bit like Roald Dahl’s Revolting Rhymes.
Most educated people choose, To rid themselves of socks and shoes,
Before they clamber into bed. But Goldie didn’t give a shred.
Her filthy shoes were thick with grime, and mud and mush and slush and slime
Worse still upon the heel of one, was something that a dog had done.
I say again, what would you think? If all this horrid dirt and stink.
Was smeared upon your eiderdown, by this revolting little clown
(The famous story has no clues, to show the girl removed her shoes).
June 26th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Crikey Sam, have they not heard of “pay or play” and the tactical “counter suit” in the Problem (holly)Woods? Get yourself legalled up, quick!
June 26th, 2007 at 10:29 am
I’m just a little disappointed in little Pal P. Has no-one told her of ‘Doctor Theatre’? I well remember falling down the stone cellar steps of Tonbridge School (the odd snifter had been taken, and my heels were astronomical) before a performance, and singing on stage ‘I’m only a bird in a Gilded Cage’ whilst blood slowly dripped down my almost fractured arm onto my white satin slippers. You may die as you exit but on stage toute est bien. That’s Doctor Theatre!
June 26th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Hey! I was expecting some kind of photo!! This reeks, I’ll have the union after you lot for this. BABS! TABS!…sheet what is it..SCABS!! That’s it.
June 26th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I shouldn’t worry about the protests you describe. All screaming and no action. Just make sure you don’t piss off the Pakistanis, though.
Anyway, sorry it didn’t come off. I was looking forward to writing the word, “Boffo!”
Cheers.
June 26th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
OMG, mainlining the crayola! Call rehab ASAP. Just say no to art supplies!
June 26th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
I dunno. Word on the street is that Little Pal P, may have secured a lucrative recording contract with Jay-Z. This may be a negotiating ploy. P wants the part of Goldilocks. Or Goldi-Glocks as he calls it. Ultimately P is gunning for the main part in Little Red Rhyming hood.
June 26th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
“And they notice too many wee bugs in the grass to really have any success at international level.”
Just like little gorillas! It almost brings a tear to my eye!
June 26th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I applaud and admire your bravado…a last minute postponment to alter the production – brilliant! Perhaps suicidal in the minds of the critics but let them be damned. Let Goldillux and the Four Bears live! Tell their story, fresh and anew, with the unabashed spirit of the greats! There won’t be any singing will there?
June 26th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Football. Passing the ball, sweet lord, she’s expecting a bit much from biggish toddlers. Quarterbacks, the ten yards…..
A running game, well the little ones have a chance then. I must have misread, but no, its passing. Hmmmmmm thought I, Oz-rules ?, or the Irish version. What other area of the world?????????????? Two hours later, it dawned on me that its soccer, you’re on about.
Sorry to hear about the glitch in the thespian endeavors.
June 26th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
“the Problem Sisters – who can?t even spell ?cult film? yet”
- WHAT kind of problem children are you raising?!? Those were, like, my first two words!
Who’s your videographer?
June 27th, 2007 at 12:07 am
Bwahahahahahahaha the making of the play could be better than the actual play. Like Hearts of Darkness to Apocalypse Now….
June 27th, 2007 at 6:19 am
Manuel’s right, you should be filming a “The Making of _____” documentary.
And I’ll bet Little Miss P’s oh so convenient “cold” is nothing more than stalling tactics while her agent suddenly finds that she needs more money, more lines, and top billing, to boot. We will come to find out that the “P” stands for “Prima Donna.”
June 27th, 2007 at 7:35 am
It is the way you tell them, daaaaahlingk. Kiss, kiss!