Lame Duck Post
Life is busy again all of a sudden, and things are afoot, except our broadband connection which is just anarse.
My daughter is running around singing nursery songs in the manner of a 50-year-old lounge singer from Queens. I have no idea where she’s picked up this style but she only needs a feather boa, a gin, and a past littered with disappointment* and broken romance** and she could warble her heart-breaking, lung-bursting, Sue-Ellen-Ewing-lip-quavering way into a record-contract with the Divalicious label. They’d have to lower the microphones in the studio quite a lot. Perhaps get some Milky Buttons and apple-juice in. Some vodka, maybe; it calms her; artists of her stature (3′2″) can be very highly strung.
We’re fish-sitting too. I’ve grown fond of wee Rover this past week. He’s a Japanese Fighting Fish and he recognises the ultimate futility of everything too. I enjoy our chats in the bathroom – he has to be shut in there so the cat can’t eat him – and often sneak off for some rigourous intellectual badinage at odd points during the day. (Although he does argue the world and all its agents are merely penultimately futile and I’ve suggested he might be talking out of his tiny, tiny fish bum. Our last meeting ended with some stinging words, I’m afraid.) Still, he’s cumpnee, any road. The cat’s thick as a brick.
*
Here are some jokes:
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now $150.00.”
*
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who?s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, “Hey?how come you?re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?”
The first blonde explains, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it?s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it?s defective. If it?s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in.”
“You moron!” the second blonde yells. “The nails pointed toward you aren?t defective. They?re for the other side of the house.”
*
A waiter asks a patron, ?May I take your order, sir??
?Yes,? the man replies. ?I?m just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens??
?Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they?re going to die.?
*
I thought they were funny and I won’t apologise for them, no I won’t.
* I’m her mother.
** Caeden from the Green Room. He preferred blondes.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:07 am
As Jerry Maguire said, the fish have manners. The last joke is obviously the best one. Someone should tell it to Manuel (not Estimulo), who works in a restaurant.
http://welldonefillet.blogspot.com/
July 30th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I too thought they were very funny… but then again I’ve had a sleep deprived weekend!
July 30th, 2007 at 11:11 am
July 30th, 2007 at 11:23 am
I’ll be telling the duck joke today and will be sure to give you credit, Sam.
July 30th, 2007 at 11:54 am
They’re not my jokes. I just bookmarked them from various places recently and reproduced them here. I’m rubbish at remembering jokes and whooly undeserving of any credit for these. The only joke I can reliably recall is What do you call a sheep with no legs and no head? A cloud. And, what’s brown and sticky? A stick.
You see … pitiful.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:33 am
Are you sure that problemchildhusband didn’t get onto your computer and post these jokes? Coz they sure do look like “Dad Jokes” to me!
(hence I did chuckle appropriately)
One of my favourites: Why couldn’t Eric ride his bike? Because Eric was a fish.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:53 am
I looove the chicken one, Sam.
And feel your pain – my net access is in a heap too.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:48 am
This man was wandering through the desert, nothing but sand in sight, when he came across a cricket ball. He began to feel some hope that he was nearing civilisation and he stumbled on with renewed energy. Some hours later, parched and despairing, still nothing but sand in sight, he found another cricket ball. He scanned the horizon for any sign of life but none could he see. He dragged on, one faltering step after another, trying to follow a straight line towards the horizon. Then, indistinctly in the haze, he saw what looked like a figure. He started waving feverishly and staggered forward, was it a man? A mirage? No, it was a castrated cricket.
July 31st, 2007 at 2:26 pm
You should record the little lass and post the audio. It can’t be worse than most of the other audio drivel laying about.
July 31st, 2007 at 4:19 pm
July 31st, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Baa Baa Black Sheep sung in the manner of Billie Holliday … sounds like something from “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue”.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Ok, here’s the one I always come back with:
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Funny enough, I’ve known the second one for ages, but about Irishmen, not blondes.
Definitely in this variant also makes sense.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm
What do you say to a one-legged hithhiker?
Hop in.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “hey, where’s the bar-tender?”
Badumpbump
August 1st, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Every lounge act needs a comedian as well as a singer. Glad that you are working on it.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:10 am
As a scientist dealing with infectious diseases I was most struck by the use of medical jargon in a humorous fashion. This is a rare thing indeed.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:54 am
I kept a straight face until the chicken one and then laughed out loud – to MTL’s consternation.
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:58 am
Oh well !
My mother made me a homosexual.
If I give her the wool will she make me one?
August 2nd, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Lab report and catscan!!! I had no idea that was coming
What d’you call a fish with no eyes?
- Afsh.
No, wait.. that’s one of those jokes you have to tell out loud. Arse.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I love your description of your wee girl singing. She sounds like the next Pink or Amy Winehouse.
Liked the jokes too, watch that fish, I have visions of him leaping on you like the wee valet guy in the Pink Panther movie with Peter Sellers..
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:18 pm
I told TLGK the duck joke, she laughed until there was snot, and she’s sixteen. Tell your sproglette a teenager thought she was hellacool.
I have a MegRyanFish. And I wrote a peom/pome that I just KNOW you will appreciate. Either way, I hope you’re having a lovely weekend.
FMC X
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:53 pm
I’m very slow getting around at the moment but I’m very glad I made it here. Twice I just tried to tell the chicken joke but ruined it by bursting out laughing as I tried to deliver the punchline. And that can’t be a bad thing.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:44 am
I heard this one from a lounge act type on my honeymoon in Malta.
How do you turn a duck into a pop singer?
Stick it in the oven and wait until its bill withers.
We didn’t stay long in that bar.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Am I horrible for laughing at the blonde joke? When I was blonde (for a spell) I used to say that it wasn’t that blondes had more fun, it was that our attention spans were so short that everything always just seemed so NEW and EXCITING!
August 6th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Good luck with the fish. There’s an open mike night in your future, for sure.
August 6th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
duck joke was on irish radio – you’re famous!
August 7th, 2007 at 12:26 am
Damn you. I’ve dined out on that lab-report-and-cat-scan joke and now you’ve alerted the whole world to the fact that it isn’t mine and I didn’t make it up in a fit of ineffable wittiness. Damn you, Problem-Child-Bride.
Damn you, d’you hear?
August 7th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
What’s a shitzu?
One with no animals….hehehehehehe
August 8th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A Baboom!
I’m a new mum, am supposed to have sh*t jokes…..
August 13th, 2007 at 10:39 am
So, into the doctor’s surgery strolls a chap with a frog on his head. The doctor looks him over with some surprise.
“Where’d you get that?” He asks.
“Well, it started with a pimple on my arse,” says the frog.
Please only throw soft fruit, the other kind hurts.
August 13th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Have you run away with Maroon?
August 14th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
August 16th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Well done Jenpen. Pracice makes perfect:)
August 16th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I hope you’re taping the 3 year old lounge singer so that she can hear herself in years to come.
August 17th, 2007 at 8:58 am
No word for a while, Sam. Is everything OK?
August 17th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Hello?
Anybody home?
More stories please!
August 18th, 2007 at 5:26 am
Ba-ha! Those are great!
Here’s one…
Descartes walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, “I’ll have a gin martini.”
The bartender says, “Do you want an olive in that?”
Descartes says, “I think not!”
And then he disappears.
********
…wait for it.
August 20th, 2007 at 10:29 am
OK, I have a joke but I won’t tell it to you until you post again.
Its a good one, and involves atomic particles in a way that is easily understood by most grade-schoolers. tempted? I KNOW you are.
August 21st, 2007 at 8:44 am
I’ll be seeing you,
In all the old familiar places,
That this heart of mine embraces…
Does anybody know the rest of it? If we all sing it together she won’t be able to resist it.
Altogether now!
August 21st, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Okay – “It be callin’ me man, it be callin’ me.”
I’m addicted to your writing, and your continued refusal to allow me my drug of choice is killing me. Do you want to be a murderer?
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:17 am
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
August 22nd, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Sam, whither art thou?
August 24th, 2007 at 12:45 am
Two old dears selling vegetables in the Dublin market.
One holds up a carrot. Jeez. That reminds me of me old fella.
Does it?
Yeah.
Is it the length of it?
No.
Is it the width of it?
No.
Well, what is it?
It’s the dirt of it!
August 26th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Hello. Is there anybody home?
August 27th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Well, they certainly brought a big, silly grin to my face! How are you doing,Sami? It’s been far too long so I thought I’d pop by and say hi. All well here. Will be in touch again soon.
Hugs
F
x
August 27th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Read somewhere today: combat global warming by leaving the fridge door open for two hours every day.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
rofl!!!
Hi, just visiting. Love the jokes, especially the blonde joke! I think I’ll spend a bit of time and read on since you know how to pick good jokes!
Thanks for making me smile this morning.
August 29th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Hello Missus, I”m hoping this is a computer glitch. Hope you and yours are fine.
FMC X
August 29th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Two elephants fall of a cliff.
Boom, boom.
August 29th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Hello darling, where are you? Come and regale us with more lovely stories. At least let us know what shenanigans you’re up to! Mwah mwah!
August 30th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Hello?
Hello?
Is all well?
August 30th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I’m catching up, dear. I hope all is well.
As for your “jokes,” I suppose now I now what was going on in my doctor’s office and why the bill was so high.
Cheers.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Randall’s back! Where are you?
September 3rd, 2007 at 9:19 am
I know! You are spending the summer with your girls and why not. Gee it’s September already.xoxoxox
September 10th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I hope all is well and look forward to you getting back in the saddle.
Cheers.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Hey Sam, c? bhfuil t?? You can reply in Scots Gaelic!
September 13th, 2007 at 1:48 am
Damned oriental fish, if they don’t kill you, they get too aggressive.
September 13th, 2007 at 8:06 am
xoxoxoxoxoxox
September 21st, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Toots, I really hope this is some horrible kind of glitch. Please dahling, have a little look in on us, let us know you’re dandy.