What’s taking you up to Ullapool?

there is an outside chance I may be round your way (Ullapool) at the end of the month. pretty excited but have to wait n see…..

John, any time you like, toots. We’d be delighted to have you at our humble hostelry. You don’t mind, like, real humbleness do you? Good to know re. the water babies. I thought there was something wrong with her teaching them front crawl first. I’ve decided just to teach them myself, God help them.

Robber Bock, an’ it’s a pleasure to see you, you thieving old galoot you. Now what’s this about work? Can’t I just continue with the shit?

HQ, we’ll be starting with more of a whimper than a bang, i’m afraid. Plus, a limited budget means we will have to make all our changes piecemeal over time. However we will be serving beer and sundries and if there’s one thing sure to please the crowds, it’s a potent, well-mixed sundry. Any time you want, darling. I’d be delighted to see you. I’m still a bit peed off I didn’t make Oirland with you guys this trip just past.

Docsy baby, don’t call me eh. You know how wild it makes me. I can’t be held responsible for myself in the context of eh. I’m far more used to the more guttural “huh” you see, out here in Calerfornya. Remember the havoc the Great Vowel Shift played on the english language? That havoc is my sensibilities.

Pat, hmm – tell me more about the fine brown frame…

Emma baby, with you in the bar alongside me, I bet we could quadruple our entendres with a little work and some sparkling beverages.

Mary, me too! I remember learning that same way. You’d think the first thing to teach children to do in the water would be to keep afloat, right? I can’t believe that after all that time and money, all we learnt was splashing and how to drown without fear.

Hi Sniffle&Cry, thanks for stopping by to say hello. Revulsion is right. I’m well chuffed that you thought my screed at Bock’s on fatty thighs, hate glands and little pricks was Plathian, although I think I was receiving my muse on a different Ariel. Gerrit, Ariel, gerrit? I’ve just scared you off, haven’t I? Gorra stop doing that…

Mem, I too drink to your success in the outback and declare “Success to your drinking!” It would be lovely to share a beer with you and hear all about your life over there. Ah well, next time I’m passing through Africa I’ll pop in for a cold one.

Jer, not being able to swim when you live on an island is the only way to go. Only then do you develop a healthy respect – and by that I mean deep fear – of the sea. The sea is deep, it should be feared. It has toothy things in it too. Hungry toothy things. Oh, I like splashing and swimming in the briny as much as the next person, but it’s as well to be terrified while you’re frolicking. That way you’re prepared when the waves or the sharks swallow you.

Jenpen, hi. Nice to hear from you too. Maybe see you this Christmas? I hope we do.

Paw, there is a school of male thought that favours the toothless female. Dashed if I can remember why………….Oh.

Daphne dahlink! Our barsteward will be the bar manager and he’s a Brummie pretty boy. The ladies love him and, as there is a spa across the way, mainly frequented by vacationing single ladies of a certain age, we hope his exotic Birmingham charms and accent will be a draw.

Hi Brianf! Cheers – nice to see ya again!

Pat, I think the phrase must have first got off the ground when people asked if they could have embiggened fries with that. Sure to be. By the Belgian girls do you mean Aunty M, Daph, Zoe and Honey? Hope your URL is comfy again!

Apprentice, “‘Cos I’m a wummin, W, U, M, M, I, N!” Yeah, baby! And your pa sounds like an innovator in his field. Seventh daughter of a seventh publican, eh? Doesn’t that make you some sort of specially distilled person? A sorceror or a deft genius of a mixologist? We could do with your magic touch.

Mmm as the seventh daughter of seventh publican, well almost, I entreat you to treat those taps with the utmost respect. My poor old pa made a really good attempt at drinking our public house dry all on his own – and he invented all day opening long before it was legal.