On Turning Over A New Leaf
There is something wrong with my fingerprints. I don’t appear to have any. Or ones that are any good at any rate.
In the course of this bar business the liquor licensing board has to check your fingerprints to see if you are a felon or a communist or worse, a Canadian. When my turn came around, the finger-rolling professional assumed a concerned expression. I was told to rub lotion on my hands. This I did and we tried again. And again. And then again, in a thricely way.
“It’s no use,” she declared gravely, “There is an 80% chance that your fingerprints will be rejected by the system.” The way she said it made it very clear to me that this was a moral failing of mine, and despite all the help offered to me by her, a conscientious employee and decent human being, that I was willfully failing to have fingerprints and people like me should just be locked up and the key thrown away; and that my sort don’t want to be helped. To be fair to her, there was something in this, and so I let it ride and my incipient indignation floated away to be joined with her massive indignation thundercloud. Perhaps she works on commission or something.
Anyway, I am the kind of person for whom, when life hands me lemons, I make margheritas and lemon pie, whistling cheerfully all the while as bluebirds tie ribbons in my hair and woodland creatures hop around my kitchen. So I tried to look for the positive in this having of no fingerprints situation.
Friends, a whole new world has opened up to me and I have decided to become a criminal!! (Part-time ’til the girls are out of school). I need help though, as I’m not sure how to proceed. There doesn’t seem to be a copy of “Being a Criminal For Dummies” left on the market; it seems the White House has bought them all up for staff Christmas presents. There isn’t a support group I’m aware of that isn’t prison, to encourage the hobbyist criminal and allow like-minded individuals to socialize and exchange tips in a relaxed environment. I don’t even know if I need a kit of some sort to get started (Revolver? Rope? Candlestick?) . I’ve bought a 3 ring binder and some subject dividers which I’ve tentatively headed “BREAKING AND ENTERING”, “CORPORATE SPYING” and “GENERAL MALFEASING” but I’m hungry for action now, and I need your help:
What ill deed should I try first? Remember I’m an amateur and I don’t like guns or the cold. I loooove Pottery Barn’s* new autumn collection and want to be able to thieve whole furniture items by Christmas but really for now I’m open to nicking anything. I can think of no better people to turn to for advice than you, my blogging chums. I mean that affectionately and warmly. Oh hold on, I’ve moved myself to tears, my mascara will run…
There, that’s better. Not having fingerprints is an opportunity I can’t afford to miss. Is there something in particular you would like stolen for you or a loved one? I won’t be charging because I’m just a beginner and I wouldn’t take money from a fellow blogger anyway. Pints, maybe. All rotten schemes and low-down plans will be considered but I have to be available at 2pm every day to collect the girls. Whaddaya got for me? How should I proceed?
*Overpriced furniture catalogue out here.
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:34 pm
The no-fingerprint defence doesn’t work if you’re caught in possession of stolen goods. You could always find a nice clean shop window and smudge your hand on it.
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Nanas, you know there’s an element of rebellion in there against growing up my mother’s super-clean household that I like.
I’m going to do it!
(Throws aside laptop and strides off to fetch shoes and expunge 1000 small filial resentments)
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:55 pm
You live in America, right? Just go into politics — you’ll be a shoo-in!
You mentioned liking pottery earlier, though I know you meant pottery as in earthernware and not pottery as in kilns and wheels. But if you ever used a potters wheel yourself, this may be where you lost your fingerprints. A man I knew who used to fingerprint people swore that very busy potters were the hardest to find prints on. (I lost mine temporarily but soon got them back.)
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:05 pm
“Just go into politics ? you?ll be a shoo-in!”
I think that may be just about the single most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, Mary. I’m going now to throw myself into oncoming traffic.
(Walks away, chin wobbling)
I do like pottery indeed, but the Pottery Barn I meant is a store selling overpriced furniture.
How soon did your fingerprints come back? Is it the turning clay on the wheel that rubs them off?
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:07 pm
the only kind of criminal behavior i can get behind where pottery barn is concerned is if you were to break into the store and trash all their shitty two-toned martha’s vineyard shit armed with nothing but a box cutter and a skunk. wow. i don’t know where that came from.
we have a pottery barn here that’s on the street. do you hear me? on the street! get thee to a mall, you mass produced poshness!
sorry. that was harsh. my blood sugar might be a bit low.
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:05 pm
You’d break your back robbing the Pottery Barn.
I’d go with jewelry if you want to be risky, Sam. Get yourself some nice gems.
We had to get prints from the FBI and then every state we’ve lived in over the past 10 years to apply for permanent residency and everyone said it would take ages when it didn’t. It took a month at most for all of it to get here.
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Where oh where are your fingerprints? Did you lose them? How? Will they grow back? Ever?
My oh my. A life of crime, how very chic. I hope you have a good trenchcoat, and that you’ve practised running down dark alleys in stilletos. Blood-red lipstick is a must. But not in a tacky von teese way, please.
I can’t think of what you should do when in this outfit, though. Maybe you should warm yourself up to it – start with a bit of jaywalking, some drunk and disorderly and move onto petty theft and fraud? From there maybe it’s only a small step to grand larceny and such? I’m not sure, I’m not too experienced in this kind of thing…
How about cat burgulary? I always thought that sounded kinda fun…
October 4th, 2007 at 12:19 am
I’d like it if you could possibly murder someone, please, with a spike made of ice. I’ve always liked that sort of thing and, with your blank fingerprints, it could easily be the perfect crime.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:30 am
My dad chopped the fleshy part of his finger off many years ago, and they sewed it back on upside down. So for a while his fingerprint was upside down. I think it eventually changed back to normal.
Given that your target might have video surveillance you need to get plastic surgery before you do it so people don’t recognise you. I’ve read lately about the lady who had a face transplant and I think that should probably do it. Once you’ve done that and are ready to go, then we can develop the plan further…
October 4th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Shiny things…anything shiny
October 4th, 2007 at 9:51 am
Sorry Sam, I have bad news for you. You now need a perfect alibi for each waking and sleeping moment of every day. Anytime there’s a crime scene without finger prints the cops are going to put you in the frame… every time there’s a prosecution based on circumstantial evidence the defence lawyer is going to turn to the jury at the end of their summation and say.. “And furthermore, the presence of Sam’s fingerprints cannot be ruled out by the prosecution…”
Run, run while you can!!
October 4th, 2007 at 11:37 am
This is the chance of a lifetime!
I have no DNA!
Together we make the perfect criminal partnership. We should start small to see how it all works.
If you have no prints or “dabs” as we villains call them, does that mean you can climb up walls like a geko? Just asking, I’m brainstorming here. Alternatively you could serve drinks in unprinted glasses. That’d be a novelty. Well it would over here.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Fingerprints are sooooo twentieth century, because, as Maroon implies, DNA is everywhere.
Anyway, starting simple is a good idea: running stop signs, public intoxication, perhaps indecent exposure. That way, you’ll see if you’re good at it, sort of like an unpaid internship.
Cheers.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Sam, have you walked in front of a mirror lately? Reflection missing?. Is there a tiny little hole at elbow?s end, where someone from your last posting could have sucked out your soul? Check one more thing, when your turn around, is there a swish? No? I suspect one posting is haunting the other and you?re now a vampire Sam.
Rob for me, an ache free back, some pink lungs and a capacity for hangovers, please.
October 4th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
If you could rob my mother that would be swell. She’s good for at least another ten years. Don’t leave the children around her. Even if she looks friendly she could turn on them any minutes. Don’t over feed her, and make sure she gets plenty of exercise and access to water. Also I would try keep her off the furniture, but that’s just me.
October 5th, 2007 at 4:19 am
Bum prints. Ask if they’ll accept bum prints. Back in school, a few of us would put bum prints on the class room windows on frosty mornings. They always knew it was us. Just as good as DNA I’d say.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:13 am
Sam what you need is a front man/ woman and what better than a sweet elderly lady who can pretend to be a frail old trout( gets easier every day) with a doting grand- daughter (you). With your printless fingers we could clean up.
Let me know when we can start and I’ll get a hearing aid, a Zimmer and pebble glasses. Such a shame I’m having high lights done next week but I could wear a hat.
Meanwhile I’ve done Stephen today.
October 5th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
wow, i see the formation of an international ring here! our own bloggers mafia, so to speak. seems we even have our own jailhouse lawyer in house, too! (pottery barn/crate & barrel – i’m with you, we hit them first!)
October 5th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I thought safe cracking was the way – not such an easy job to do with gloves on, so ideal for the sans-fingerprinted person. You could make yourself a really chic looking stethoscope accessory too
October 5th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Kara, “is if you were to break into the store and trash all their shitty two-toned martha?s vineyard shit armed with nothing but a box cutter and a skunk.”
I’d rather trash Martha Stewart’s two-toned shit with a weasel and a flame-thrower, but that’s just a personal preference. I alway vote for Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick, no matter what. Creature of habit, me.
Medbh, the FBI? Holy moley! You sound like the kind of hardened criminal I’d like to sit down and learn from over a lovely cream tea. Scones bring out the devil in all of us.
Carolyn, “How about cat burglary?” We’ve already got one.
Bock, have you got a victim in mind? It seems you’ve already given this some thought. I’d better keep an eye on you.
theotherbear, Wow! Your dad’s fingerprint was upside down and then self-corrected? That is freaky! Cool.
birchsprite, you know, that’s what the Problem Husband said with a faraway look in his eye I’ve never seen before.
Conan, hmm. I hadn’t considered that. I shall have to establish safe-houses all over the world in order to stay one step ahead of the law. Don’t worry, I’m sure i’ll be a very tidy fugitive and I’ll call first, so you can get the kettle on.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Doc, about this not having any DNA thing, you know if you swirl yourself in a bit of vinegar, it’ll reanneal your base-pairs. It worked for an aquaintance of mine, a Count Von Something Or Other, can’t ‘member. We’d be brilliant train robbers, I bet. Rio or bust, baby!
Rand’, I have actually been flirting with petty crime: a spot of indecent exposure here, a pilfered G&T in the bar here (by means of the old “Look! A spider! Slurp. Wha?” ruse.) I’m confident I’ll never do any time ‘cos, see, I know this t’riffic lawyer…
Sniffle&Cry, well, I have gone off garlic a bit, and I do tend to slip into an outrageous mid-European patois now and again… The dentist said the lengthening canines were perfectly normal in the 33-year old Hebrideanionianess, as he pushed me out of the office and told me goodbye forever, he’s moving his practice to Phoenix…
fmc, if I can fence her, and my own, on the black market, we could be in business. It won’t be cheap mind. And then there’s parts and labour…I’d have to send to Scotland for a bag of lilac jelly babies to lure her and a couple of Hannibal Lector facemasks in case they struggle…
Sneezy, but that was reckless! What if they’d frozen on? You could have skinned your bum with such carry-on! Bum prints, though
Haha, you made me larf so you did. Plus, I’m pretty sure Interpol have my bum print on file after the Berlin caper.
Pat, I knew I could count on you. I think there could be an Ealing-esque script in there for us someplace. Let’s take ‘em all for the suckers they are, baby!! You and me! The open road! We’ll be legends!
Savannah, Ooooh! I forgot about crate-and-barrel – lovely forks, they have. I’m game if you are, hun. But only if we can wear bandit masks and carry sags with SWAG written on ‘em.
Kim – I like your style. I like your thinking. Safe-cracking is glam – I could wear heels even, if I muffled them with cotton-wool. And I’m loving the stethosope accessory bit. Listen, you don’t want to be my manager do you? Every budding glamourous criminal needs a manager, for enigmatic didshe/didn’tshe? appearances on Parkie and Letterman and such. I could leave a silken pinny at every crime scene as a calling card. We could rob from The Rich and give to The Us. Oh, the places we’ll go…
October 6th, 2007 at 11:19 am
There may not be a criminals for dummies book, but there is definitely a how-to book or two on operating a meth lab in your basement.
Would that fit your burgeoning life of crime requirements?
I don’t necessarily want you to put yourself or others in danger, but it must be fun or there wouldn’t be so many meth labs, right?
October 6th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
‘Rob from the Rich and give to the Us’
That should go down in the annals of Rallying cries. I’m rallied I’m rallied
October 6th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
God! Terrifying thought as I was sipping my kir. You did mean US as in you and me – not US of A?
October 7th, 2007 at 9:47 am
You could probably do better (morally and financially) by offering your fingers to the world of plasticine modelling. I have always thought that those Wallace and Gromit films would look much better if you couldn’t see the actual pawprints of their creator every time they grimace. Somehow that just ruins the suspension of disbelief. Give it a go and see what happens.
October 7th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I was over at Pat’s–PAST IMPERFECT and saw your comment on Stephen Fry..(I LOVE HIM, TOO..) And loved your Blog name, so I thought I would just come on over and check out your blog….!
Well, to my great surprise you are speaking about no fingerprints. A million years ago, in the days when performers in Nightclubs, (Liquor being served, you know…lol) Had to have a Cabaret License in New York City…..Like you, I have, According to the New York City Police Department, no readible fimgerprints…! You are the very first person I’ve ever run into who had a similar problem….! An Amazing thing since, whatever fingerprints we have are ours—Acceptible or not! I was treated in a similar manner and asked if I used very caustic washing detergents….????
“Nooooo, I don’t believe so….!” It seemed there had to be a reasonable explanation for my fingerprints having been oblierated….(Maybe I did this to them on purpose….was the suggestion…)
The Criminal Life…What a great idea! LOL! I wish I had thought of that….!
BTW: After taking my prints a few times, they DID give me a Cabaret License….which I always thought was such an odd thing to need since almost ALL the clubs in New York & New Jersey, etc., were run by people like “The Sprano’s”…..Oh, I see…Maybe that is why????
Anyway, I soooo enjoyed your blog about this and as you can see, it sparked this long long memory comment…..!
October 7th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Having no fingerprints is the sure sign of an alien from outer space. Or the Outer Hebrides, which is very similar so I’ve heard. Perhaps you could ask to join the cast of “Heroes”?
Tax evasion is the most popular crime here in Belgium, even for people with fingerprints.
October 7th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
Yes, it is the constant friction of fingers on clay that smooths away the fingerprints. I’ve heard that some potters lose them permanently, but mine came right back in a matter of months. Foreigners are routinely fingerprinted in Japan, and the people at my ward office were happy about the fact that mine showed up again.
I’m sure that interesting fact about potters losing their fingerprints has been used in a crime novel. If it hasn’t, it ought to be.
And now I know what the ‘Pottery Barn’ is…Gee, how embarrassing.
October 8th, 2007 at 12:32 am
Hmm. After last weekend, I could think of one or two extreme Bushites, but in an act of extreme Christian forgiveness, (impressive for a non-believer), I’ll forbear from mentioning them.
October 8th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
My goodness child! Maybe you’re the second coming! Have you a bellybutton? That would really clinch the theory.
All hail Childbride!!
October 9th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Hmm I think you need at time machine lovely Sam, cos that DNA thingy has sort of ruined everything in the here and now, but go back say 50 years and you’d make a great cat theif, doing diamond heist while dating Rock Hudson and driving in Monye Carlo, and the time machine would have you home by 1.59pm.
BTW check out the Gaelic movie trail on my blog -you’d love it.
October 11th, 2007 at 12:46 am
SafeT, when we lived in Minneapolis a secret meth lab exploded a falafel shop right down the street from where we were over-drinking. Scary biscuits, man. Fortunately our nerves had been pre-steadied.
Pat, You and me! The USA will take half in taxes anyway.
McCrumble, I would but even my children don’t much rate my skills with Play-Do. “Play-Don’t more like”, I can read in their eyes.
OldOldLady, hi! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. You too! My sister! Embrace me! You were in cabaret in New York City? Blimey, I bet you have some great stories. I’ll be right over.
Daphne, it’s cruel to mock the afflicted. I can’t help being from The Outer Hebrides.
Mary, you live in Japan? I have a pal over there teaching soccer at the moment. Apart from being allergic to fish, and hating noodles and green tea, he’s having a blast.
Bock, don’t worry about them – there must be a couple of thunderbolts with their names on them up in heaven. God’s just waiting ’til the time is right before he smites the Right.
K8, when I read your comment, in excitement at possible promotione to Messiah, I scrabbled about my jumper to recheck if I had a belly button. I do. I do. Sigh. I’d be such a good one , y’know. If only people would give me a shot. I wouldn’t even need much worshipping. I just want a cuppa brought to me in bed with the papers every morning.
Apprentice, I’ll be over to see it. By enormous good fortune, there is a time machine at my daughters’ school right now. They are having an Inventions theme week. I’ll see what they can do for me re the Rock Hudson thing (although I’d prefer Cary Grant). It’ll probably be potato-powered though so accuracy may not be guaranteed. I’ll post a letter to your past self when I’m there and we can see if it worked. Well, did you get it?
October 16th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
I feel something coming through, but it could just be the lentil soup!
October 18th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
[...] Despite all the quite superb name suggestions, The Village Jester it stays. It isn’t up to me. Anyway, I made a chair for it – a Jester’s throne, if you won’t. Whatever was left of my scanty fingerprints I think has been hot-glued right off. [...]