A Firkin By Any Other Name Is Still An Effing Firkin.
I have given up my life of crime. The health plan is awful for a career criminal. You don’t even get dental and of course, being British, dental is very important to me. I have resumed my former life as a housewife extrordinaire with sparkling faucets, the starchiest, most spotless pinny on the Western seaboard and souffles that are the envy of all in The Guild of Housewiffery (Tri Counties Area Chapter)
In other news, we have a name for the bar! It is to be The Village Jester. We spent weeks on it – you might not be able to tell. One of our partners is going to be the bar manager and he is from Birmingham so our particular village jester will be claret and blue – Aston Villa colours.
The Village Jester wasn’t my personal first choice. I wanted to reflect more the nature of the town in our name and was holding out for “The Therapist And Firkin” or “The Firkin Therapist.” They didn’t fly with the others though, who all have filthy minds. Strike 2 against Sam. It was pointed out to me that “The Birkenstock and Sock,” another of my sure-fire winners, only nails about half the townspeople but excludes the other half and we welcome all-swillers. Good point. Strike 3 against Sam.
“The Heart Of Darkness” was deemed too accurate by far.
After seventy or so stricken suggestions I decided I was doing something wrong. Without a doubt the names were all tremendous and excellent; it must be my delivery. I’ll show them that I can be flexible and adapt in the face of outright ridicule! I thought. I’ll appeal to their sense of history and literature! To their own struggles, their own journey in life! (I was excited by this new approach as you can see by the !s)
So. Because this is California and all but one of the 6 of us is either from the Eastern states or the UK, I thought it would be cool to reference our various kampfs to to get here with Steinbeck’s classic tale as a name: “The Grapes of Wrath.” While some liked the grape-wine tie-in, others thought it was near total crap. Concerned that they were being put off by the archaic language and ever-mindful of my recent resolve to adapt and not take the scoffing and cruel personal remarks to heart, I floated the idea again disguised as “The Angry Raisins”; it was modern, edgy, what’s not to like? But that too was shot down in flames of scorn; I won’t tell you what hurtful words were said because I’m bigger than that.
At one point during week 3 of this, slumped over our futile scribbling and cowed by set-backs and delays, we seriously considered “The Utter And Enormous Folly” as a name, during which I have to admit to some inner smugness which unfortunately managed to sneak out when I wasn’t looking:
“See? That’s why we should have called it “The Firkin Therapist!”" I said in a singsong way that managed to grate even on my own nerves. “Look how depressed we all are! If ever there was a time for a Firkin Therapist in town, it’s now. The Time is Now and Now is the Time!” I added, to impress myself with Moment.
Later, I kept my counsel, perhaps shaking my head sadly a little at my misguided friends as they screamed and hurled things at me, but otherwise with a mask-like visage, concealing everything, revealing nothing. I’m sure the others were impressed.
“See! See how she bears up in the face of heinously wounding abuse!” I bet they said. “What a housewife! What a woman!” If only they knew how I wept inside.
After that the Prob. Husb. and I campaigned vigorously for “Coyote Nigel’s” after the Brummie bar manager’s Christian name, but some ancient animal spirit of the West was unaccountably peeved by that pairing and after a series of plagues on our house – ants, Mormons etc. we were forced to back off in awe and wonder at the mysteries of the ancestors.
In the end, three names were randomly selected for us all to vote on – I voted for “The Village Jester” as the one that sounded least like it had been thought up by committee. The other choices were “The Patio” and “The Patio Grill”, neither of which jangled my bells or tickled my proverbial even a little.
What would you guys have called it?
October 11th, 2007 at 3:02 am
Some Place Else was my favorite watering hole while at University. I always liked the name.
October 11th, 2007 at 5:30 am
Some Place Else, I like it. It has that dreamy otherworldy quality that so often occurs to people in bars.
October 11th, 2007 at 6:25 am
Do you have a model for the picture of the Village Jester on the sign? Big nose and red face are essential, I would say. Patrons who get drunk would be Village Idiots. Gay patrons would be Village People. You should have a green table called Village Green.
October 11th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Is there food? Is there seafood?
If so ‘Plaice of booze’ would work.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Weirdy Beardy Bar?
Perhaps that was one of the Stricken Seventy.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Hooch-y Mamas.
Dear oh dear, that’s bleedin’ terrible. But it’s all I got toots, I’m in that sort of form. You know, brain dead.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:44 am
A Mexican motif? How about El Fiasco?
Cheers.
October 11th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
“Plaice of booze” is shit.
At the very least it should be “IN plaice of booze”.
See what I did there? How it works on so many levels?
Village jester is a bit shite to be honest. Listen, the truth is a valuable comodity. Is one of your number from the Village? (I mean in NY) Is he a Jester? if not drop it like the big pile of turds it is. Back to the drawing board.
Glad to help, kind regards etc.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Sam’s palace flophouse, Beer from the sea of Cortez, Mac and Docs. But jesus christ, I’d definitely have a drink at a place called sparkling faucets.
Great stuff Sam.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Nanas, I thought it was a risk for the bar manager – who will be the face of the place after all – to identify himself as the Village Jester. It could so easily degenerate into The Village Fool if people are unkind or they don’t like their bloodied marys.
Twenty, there will be food – the license demands we sell “bona fide meals” with our swill so we’ll be turning out plates of warmed over Pedigree Chum. Bona fide, see? Actually, I wonder of we could get away with that… At one point we did consider calling it The Lost Mermaid because we live inland 11 miles, but Nigel would have to wax more and his bosoms are a bit disappointing. I once heard of a seafood joint called “In Cod We Trust.”
Hi Gimme, thanks for visiting. The Weirdy Beardy bar was one of the first to be felled, I’m afraid. But you know what, I quite like The Stricken Seventy. It sounds like a wedding my pal went to where the prawns were off.
fmc, with Hoochy Mamas, I don’t think Nigel could really carry it off. He doesn’t have the bustle – the booty – he doesn’t have the whadjamacallit – ass to be truly Hoochy although I suppose we could get him a prosthetic. The Brummie Blegart is what it really ought to be, of course.
Rand’, ha. Or the Broken-down Burro. Or The Hole In The Fence. Or El Diablo if we can get our chili just right.
Doc, I concur, man, I con-freakin’-cur. It’s better than The Patio Grill is all. I am reupholstering a chair with jester cap horns on the top and bells and stuff. At this point, there is no way I’m switching to reupholstering a chair as a patio or a grill. Call me inflexible if you must but I won’t, I say I won’t do it. What would I do with my plywood horns?
October 11th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Sniffle, sorry toots, I missed you there. The Sparkling Faucet! I like it! Or The Meets All Code For Handicap Accessibility Bar. Or the Bad Pour or The Stale Pint. Anyone of these would be both accurate and it would release us from having to up our standards or improve our fare or anything because that would belie our name. The Slipping Standards – that’s it!
October 11th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Actually, I just thought of a menu item with the jester/bells-on-cap motif in mind. Put something called “Amontillado” on the drinks list. Offer a free hat with a purchase, but tell the customer s/he must accompany one to the cellar to retrieve it.
No charge for that bit of business advice.
Cheers.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Off the top of my head, with no knowledge of the locale or projected customer set.
- The Drop Inn
- The Last Drop
- Time at the Bar
- The Frog and Princess
- Problem’s Beer Rental Co.
- The Way Home
- Last Night’s Fun
- He Just Left
- The Carry Out
- The Dog’s Hair
My invoice is in the post.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Two of my favourite bars in Melbourne are called “A Bar Called Barry” and “Bar Nothing”. Easy for me to remember. Easy for me to commit to.
I can’t wait to see your jester!
October 11th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
You can always call the bar Firkin quietly, in your head. Nobody will know until you start giggling at your cleverness, out loud.
October 12th, 2007 at 2:02 am
I’ve always wanted to see a bar called ‘Dickens Cidery’. But then you’d have to sell cider, probably, or become a brothel…
AJB in NZ.
October 12th, 2007 at 4:30 am
Inn Moderation – So where were you drinking last night?
The Noun & Adjective – Have 2 flip boards at the door. 20th customer each evening selects a noun and an adjective and that’s the name for 24hours.
The Udder Place – Have a big cow over the entrance.
The Hairy Egg – Just because.
Beer Haven – Like Berehaven, but then that’s an Irish town.
Probably The Best – Like the Carlsberg ads.
The Flying Scotsman – Pic of a guy in a kilt with Biggles scarf and goggles.
I don’t like any of them though.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Sam’s Place.
Simple is best. It’s bleedin’ obvious really and also has pleasant connotations
(Cheers). Is it too late to change? I’m not going to be able to accept anything else I’m afraid.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:29 am
I just asked my hubby what he would call his own, and he said John’s Place. His name is John. He is the most original man, evah!
Me, less original – cannot think of anything but The Purple Grape. I swear I have no idea why this was my only idea and it sounds like the name of a bar in a very poor taste movie.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:37 am
Hmmmm……….
Limey Nigel’s?
The New Plaice?
PCB’s?
Grillage People?
The Shorts & Sandal?
Inn Jest (Inn j’est.. Ingest…)?
The Inn of Salivation?
The Blow Inn?
The Fluid Measure?
October 12th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
There was a bar in San Francisco called The Philosophers’ Club. I just loved that: a bunch of guys sitting around drinking and philosophizing — how perfect!
Another possibility — in deference to both your location and nationality — is ‘The Bear and Silkie.’ You would also have the fun of explaining this to your inebriated clientele and getting them to say ‘Sule Skerry.’
Though quite honestly, I don’t think you can do much better than ‘The Sparkling Faucet.’ Unless it’s ‘The Sparkling Tap.’
October 12th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Hmmmm…
The Generic Pub
The Housewife’s Remedy
The Drunkards’ Muse
The Toil and Trouble
The Easy Lay
The Powder Keg
The Louis and L’Amour
The Bending Tap
I really could go all day.
October 12th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Sam, I would have gone for The Grapes of Wrath because of the nod to location and it just sounds cool. You could have had a cute angry grapes logo.
But the Village Jester is just fine and better than the other generic options. Picking a name is sooooo difficult.
October 13th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I cannot believe no one has suggested “The Slaughtered Lamb” (see American Werewolf in London), although I was rather taken with a phrase almost suggested in your post – “The Heinous Houswife”
October 13th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
CONGRATULATIONS SAM! Results of ‘Who Quoth What?’
First: Sam
Second: Dr Maroon
Third Tan Lucy Pez
October 14th, 2007 at 2:46 am
name the place after the street it’s on…you know how locale-centric californians are, sugar!
October 15th, 2007 at 5:38 am
“The big dog’s cock” I wouldn’t be seen dead drinking in a pub called “The village Jester.”
unless its free drink for a blogging pal who is like an uncle to you (no not that kind of uncle)
October 15th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I can feel your pain. I work for an architectural firm. We compete in “Canstruction”, a contest for the benefit of the food bank. We make art using grocery items which we donate to the bank.
We had a team meeting looking for themes for this year – We try to incorporate the word ‘can’ in our theme.
They rejected my excellent suggestion: Cannery Row (I wanted to use sardine cans)
It seems that NONE of the young architects ever read Cannery Row and didn’t get it.
I’d love to have a drink at the Village Jester.
October 16th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Oh now let me see:
“Still at the Office”
“The Pig and Swill”
“The Fly Half”
“The Doting Aunt”
“The Lax Buns
Or to offer you some from my home town on this side of the pond:
“The Bay Horse”
“The Pheasant” -or is that Peasant?
“The Mercat”
“The Tyneside”
“The Victoria Arms”
“The Gardners’ Arms”
“The Toll Bar”
“The Plough”
“The Golf Bar”
“The Waterside”
October 17th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Line the walls with pictures of the state Governor and you could call it ‘Arnie’s’. Above the door on the inside you could have a plaque saying ‘You’ll be back’. Make it a micro-brewery and you could have your own beers with exotic names like ‘T-800′, or ‘Collateral Damage’, or, with a nod back to the days when he liked to flex his sword arm, ‘Red Sonja’
October 17th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Put up a flashing sign and call it
“Cheap Drink Here!”
“L8!”
“Clean toilets!”
October 18th, 2007 at 8:06 am
How’s about THE WELL, AN TOBAR, and whatever a well or spring is in Spanish. With an American, a wee Scot and a Mexican. Sort of Texmex, only CalMex with a Scotch kicker. And thats your radio/tv ad.
How’s dear Paris getting on these days, the news on her is sparse on this side.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:16 am
Oh, the firkin and anything/anything and firkin is more than likely to have copywrite issues. There is a pub company (UK, but Oz owned), with the frog and firkin, ferret and firkin, faggot and firkin etc. That last one using the old meaning of the word, as in bundle of old brittle and dried wood.
October 18th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
You guys are brilliant! You crack me up. I loved every one of these suggestions. I wish I could sup a wee something with each and every one of you. What a lucky blugger I am to know y’all.
Hearty cheers, folks.