How To Win A Lady’s Favour, Variation 284
First find yourself a lady whose favour you are interested in winning. Start a conversation with her, preferably a witty, pithy, banter-filled repartee indicating a meeting of minds that foreshadows a possible meeting of the bodies in both your frontal lobes. But “Hi, I’m Dennis and I’m a Scorpio” will probably do if that’s all you’ve got. You’ll find this budget-friendly variation is adaptable to the quirks of your individual wooing style.
Once you have her attention, you’ll want to keep it. (This holds for all the Variation packages from 1 through 357. Variations 358 to 390 don’t require the lady to pay any attention to you at all but since they require the administration of powerful drugs these approaches to love aren’t legal in the contiguous USA.) Tell her a joke to lighten the mood. Women love men with a great sense of humour. Steer away from badger jokes if you can. If it’s an emergency and all you can think of are badger jokes, try replacing the badger with a stoat at the last minute. The comic effect will be lessened, naturally, but this is better than falling at such an early fence. Also try not to break wind in your nervousness, but if you must, be bold. Remember, “Faint fart ne’er yet won fair lady.”
Next, ask the lady out for a meal. Studies show that women love to eat and many do so every day. There’s no reason you cannot capitalize on this knowledge. To make her feel special, pay attention to the small things: open doors for her, bring her a rose, remember to zip up your fly. At this point you might want to consider purchasing our considerable list of “Dining Do’s and Don’ts“, available this month at the special rate of $99, OR double your order and add “Moving Into The Bedroom For Dunderheads” at 30%!! off, for a total savings of $50!!!
At table, you’ll want to showcase your ease with people and familiarity in pairing complex dishes and wines. Ask to smell the cork. Even if she scoffs and says what a load of old tosh all that carry-on is, this will give your target a chance to watch your nostrils flare manfully, taking in great gusts of air, thus allowing her to approximate your lung capacity and determine whether you are a healthy specimen with whom she wants to breed. She herself will be unaware she is doing this, say Studies.
At some point during the meal, be sure to reach out and lightly touch her hand, while laughing and throwing your head back in delight at her impossible cuteness. Make sure your laugh is booming and manly. Girls don’t like squeaky laughers. Tell her how you love the way the light plays on her collar bone and that when she smiles her nose crinkles so adorably it makes you want to weep. Weep if necessary.
As the wine flows inhibitions will naturally lessen. This is the time to show her your physical prowess (all these hours at step class will really pay off now!!). Look around the restaurant for another male of approximately your weight and height. Tell him he is an arsehole and his wife looks like his mother. If in fact this is a family gathering and she is indeed the man’s mother, insinuate that you have previously enjoyed coitus with her and his sister. Imply it was rubbish.
At this point the other male will leap to his feet and attempt to punch you on the nose. Rip off your jacket and shirt (you will have oiled up earlier in the bathroom) and randomly fling a chair aside. Apologise to any occupant the chair may have as it sails through the air. Within clear earshot of your wooee, offer to pay for their dry-cleaning and a day out at the zoo for 4. Women love good manners and generosity especially in the heat of battle.
Punch the other fellow in his nose. He will punch you back. Stagger slightly and touch your hand to the corner of your mouth to check for bleeding. Wince. Surveys suggest that wincing men with big shoulders and no shirts on in the middle of nice restaurants invariably bring out nurturing feelings in the female. Don’t be surprised if she reaches out a gloved hand toward you, clutches uselessly at the air and cries “Oh!”
This is where your prep work will come in (Oh we know it seemed tedious at the time LOL! But you’re beginning to see now that good dating technique requires good planning, aren’t you?) Nod imperceptibly (but not too) to the waiter you will previously have bribed to substitute the restaurant’s ambient music with your own selection. Neil Diamond is popular here; many customers report success with Bryan Adams too. Your choice of soundtrack is a very personal thing but customer feedback tells us that Elton John is probably a mistake.
Next, quick as a flash, tie your tie around your forehead dew-rag style. Lower your head slightly and glower at your foe from ‘neath rumpled shaggy eyebrows which you will have moussed earlier in the bathroom. Metrosexuals should resist plucking for a week prior to the date.
Say to the lady “This won’t take more than a minute, miss, then I’d sure be pleased to escort you to your door.”
Grab the other man, and run with him toward the restaurant’s large glass windows, crashing through them in as slow a motion as you can manage before resuming the fight on the shard-strewn pavement. As the other diners jostle for a view at the broken window, reach in your pocket and, unseen, slip on your knuckle-duster. Only one more punch should be needed at this point. Your hapless opponent will then sprawl unconsciously to the ground.
Take a step back and look up to the heavens as if to ask the gods “Why, why must you test me time and time again, Yousdammit?” Look haunted, troubled, and then bow your head and do a praying-hands, collecting thoughts thing. Hunch your glistening shoulders defensively ‘gainst the world and all its hurts.
As your lady rushes to your side, which she is sure to do if you’ve followed all the previous instructions properly, lift her up above your head and twirl her in the middle of the road as if she were as light as a daisy, ignoring the screaming ambulances that’ll be starting to arrive. Whisper gently to her, “I did it for you, baby. I did it for you. You may be the only woman who understands me, who really gets me, you know? Hold me!”
She will be forced to fall instantly in love with you and you may bed her at the hour of your choosing. For further instructions, proceed to the next module.
Please Note: This approach is only recommended for one particular kind of woman. For a full discussion on the 3 other kinds of woman, we recommend our primer-pack “Which Woman?” available now through our catalogue.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:59 am
Phew! I have to say that I wouldn’t do all that even for a female gorilla in oestrus. I assume the man is neither rich nor good-looking, when all he really needs to do is make eye-contact, smile mysteriously and wait for the girl to chat him up. She might be a hooker, of course…
November 20th, 2007 at 9:12 am
She might but then he need hardly bother.
But this is only one variation in 400 possible ones. Customers should opt for a wooing variation which speaks to them as individuals, saying something like – “This one will win her heart” or “This one will yield her loins.” or “This is the approach for a refined/boorish/geeky/jocky chap like you.” Debbi in admin does a terrific job of finding just the right variation for a man’s needs. In the spring the company will be launching a similar coaching service for women.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:46 am
gosh
hearts will be a flutter
November 20th, 2007 at 11:17 am
That is all wonderful stuff but may I make one little proviso based on my own pathetic experience. My favourite thing is being taken for a meal BUT I have had many – well not that many – first dates inhibited by shyness on both sides and therefore a complete waste of lovely nosh. The remedy is simple and although I am intimate now with all and sundry I still do it. Go for a long walk first that is. It loosens everything up and inhibitions fly out of the window and ones nerves settle down and a lovely sense of well-being ensues.
BTW as my grand-son says ‘No farting in the conservatory Grandma!’ Walkies anyone?
November 20th, 2007 at 11:48 am
“For a full discussion on the 3 other kinds of woman, we recommend our primer-pack ?Which Woman?? available now through our catalogue.”
Just 4 kinds of women? You’re kidding! The woman (Type A) one asks for the date may have become a Type C by midway through the main course.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Point of Order.
Though it has been almost a quarter century since I had a “first date,” I seem to recall that a fist full of ones and fives and the deft ability to pull a g-string away from the belly-button of the love interest quite helpful, as well.
Or am I thinking of something else?
Cheers.
November 20th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I’m sending this to the Paramour immediately, we went about it ALL wrong. ALL wrong I tell you.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
This is me to a tee!
Only the other week, me and mater were having dinner in the chip in ashton lane and this bloke in his simmit rushed over, punched mum in the nose and threw me out the window.
Please may i have the “which woman” booklet and the “dunderhead” one. You know the em, bedroom one.
my card details are;
4334 5436 2213 8877
name of AHK Maroon
thanks.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I tried this approach a few times, but, I kept getting arrested before it got to the shagging part.
November 20th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Birchee, indeed and a fluttering heart in Aberdeen can cause a tidal wave of love over in the Hebridesl. Aberdeen is the chosen test city for this coaching series – designed and hand-made in Scalpay for that very reason.
Pat, if I were to go on a long walk in Splendid Nature though, and then had an aperitif, perhaps a glass of wine, I’d be asleep by pudding and the gentleman would be compelled to proceed with one of the variations numbered 358 to 390, and what if he hadn’t purchased them?
Conan, these 4 types of women though, are endlessly shifting through prisms of season and mood. If you want to know any more you will have to buy the product, the board of directors of which I am in no way on, and from which I will in no way gain from the coincidental promotion thereof on my web site. where’s Rand’, I need a lawyer? Ah here he is!
Rand’, she had her g-string way up by her belly-button? Good God, she must have almost been cleft in twain, as cheese-wire through an aged pecorino. The conditions these poor girls worked in back then was abominable – akin to the lives of veal calves they were. Sometimes they even had holes bored in their muzzles for easy handling, or am I thinking of bears?
fmc, I expect the Paramour probbly tried one of the variations in the mid to upper first hundred variations. But in truth there is no single right way to woo a woman, as we know. Only many many wrong ways. This series is meant to communicate that truth to men who too often have the idea that “if you stand them on their heads, women are all the same anyway” (I kid you not, a direct quote from my husband’s married business partner). Men need to know that women are every bit as varied and complex as men are and we are entitled to our own fully illustrated series on success in the romantic arts.
Docs, oooh! I had my 21st birthday tea and my graduation dinner in the Chip! Salmon in champagne sauce and a pudding so heavenly I bob up to the ceiling merely thinking about it – where I see I need to do some dusting round the lights. You may certainly have the requested copies. They will arrive at your door in a discreet plain brown paper parcel, althought to be honest I hardly think you’ll need them. Once you cross the threshold of the bedroom door, just talk engineering to her. Get really technical, you know. She’ll be fascinated and turned on in ways she would never have expected as you expound about differentials and thrill her with capacitors and variable potentials.
John, hmm, in your case it might have been wiser to limit your courtship to judges’ daughters. Fortunately, judges daughters are easy. The other option would have been to hire an actor to pummel in the restaurant. They’re ten a penny, particularly in the spring when panto season is over.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Well, I’m not this type of woman and I’m not a judge’s daughter. I worry that if anything, I’m pretty much a ‘pizza, beer and a good-time’ type, but then what’s wrong with being a cheap date? Think of all the restaurant windows I’ve saved!
November 20th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
We skipped all the public theatrics and went straight for the bedroom. It’s just so much simpler and to the point that way. I knew as soon as I met him that I was going home with Mr. M.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
I’m going to have to get the whole series for my hubby’s christmas, nearly thrity years and not a woo in sight!
November 20th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Does this stuff work on Men ?
November 21st, 2007 at 4:23 am
I’m so glad you emphasised that one must punch the other fellow in HIS nose. I would have been confused otherwise. I’m not a man, but I’m sure it’d be hard to look suave, sophisticated and sensitive whilst punching oneself in the nose.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:45 am
Sam, I gotta face in. In matters of the heart, (and most others), I’m not as smart as you. Damn I wish I had you on retainer back in the day.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:14 am
All very helpful indeed, Sam. As great man once said (I think it was Nick Faldo) – A faint heart ne’er won a fair lady – in fact, no faint organ ever did.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:30 am
Next, quick as a flash, tie your tie around your forehead dew-rag style.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many points you’ve scored with this fantastical sentence. I mean…it’s close to record-breaking.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:48 pm
And to think I fell for the husband because he can remove twist-off beer bottle caps from the bottles using the underside of his forearm.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Such great advice.
I’ll paper-clip your article to my insubstantial breast (diversion you see) before my next date. Hopefully the big lunk can follow the script.
November 21st, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Ha! It didn’t work for me…but wait….I never moussed my eyebrows. Damn it, Damn it, Damn you!!! he yells while falling to his knees and looking up as though beseeching an unseen god or two.
November 21st, 2007 at 11:18 pm
So that’s how it’s done.
And there’s me wasting all those years cooking delicious cuisine while being funny, sympathetic and caring.
Shit!
November 22nd, 2007 at 5:31 am
Mary, there is nothing in the world wrong with being a cheap date. That’s cool but being a thrifty fig is where it’s at, sistah!
Sorry for that. That was appalling.
Medbh, Hmm – variation 1 would work best for you but I think you might have got it down pat already. This is more to do with giving folks reasonably priced advice in the dance of love – the figurative dance that is, before they get to the horizontal quickstep. A lot of people aren’t as straightforward – they need to suss each other out first and that usually means trying to impress the other. Some people like direct, some subtle, some just fling subtle quite literally out of the window and keep the humble glaziers in meat and tea. it was for this type of person that the Scalpaywegians designed Variation # 284. They aim to cater to all.
Eryl – 30 years – congratulations! The good people of Scalpay have nothing to teach you. But you know, a wee refresher course in th’old wooing never hurts and they are very reasonably priced. Consider some for your friends, your enemies too. Free postage from now ’til Christmas! Look, please buy one! Scalpay has staked its tiny future on this product! we have to pay back the loan from Tarbert by January 1st.
Hi Che, Yes! It does! We have “How To Woo A Woman”, “How To Woo A Man”, “Gay How To Woo A Man”, “Gay How To Woo A Woman”, and “How To Keep Your Cassock On” for the clergy.
Carolyn, I’m afraid, it’s a mistake some unfortunates have made. In their eagerness to proceed they failed to read the instructions with all the due care necessary for these delicate matters of the heart, and the even more delicate matters of the loins.
John Mc, “Damn I wish I had you on retainer back in the day.” Are you mocking my teeth, John? Look I know they’re a smidge squinty on the bottom, and there’s a gap between my incisors, but hell’s bell’s, man, a girl’s got her feelings.
Sneezy, Nick Faldo, yes. Thank you for reminding me of him. And in that context too! Is it Christmas already? But look, faint organs are OK – Nick’s probably just being overdoing it lately. It’s fine, honest. Nothing to worry about. It happens to everyone now and again. (Although I bet it never happened to Colin Montgomerie.)
Kara, a two half-hitch combo should hold it fast, and has the advantage of easy on-easy off with minimal creasing should the gent need to wear his tie again later, perhaps at the police station.
Hi Little Beags, ah, how many of us have been snared that way, eh? Once I loved a boy who could do it with his teeth – take the caps off, I mean.
Jali, take several versions with you, all in different size print. If he’s dodgy wear the large print so he doesn’t have to move in so close to read it. If he’s lovely the teensy-tinesy print is a good move. One might even go so far as to say its a womanly wile. All’s fair etc.
Brian, see it’s the details that make the crucial difference between triumph and failure. Men never think to mousse their eyebrows! I mean, what’s up with that?
Bock, sheesh man, you’ll never get anywhere that way. Break glass man, you gotta break glass to prove your love! Delicious cuisine is all very well but…what kind of delicious cuisine exactly? Rum babas on the menu? Um…and how funny, sympathetic and caring are we talking here, you know, practically speaking like? Back rub caring? Foot rub sympathetic? Snarfily funny?
Damn. You appear to be perfect.
Be mine!
November 22nd, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Happy Thanksgiving, Merkin pals!
November 22nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Happy Thanksgiving Sam! Do you really have to cook turkey twice in one month?
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Is that a Paris bun or a meringue?
No, you?re right it?s a Paris bun.
In the cold butcher?s shop, the butcher is warming himself at a small radiator, enter lady customer.
Is that your Ayrshire bacon?
No, I?m just warming my hands.
A white horse enters a pub for a drink.
A pint of heavy neighs the horse.
So the barman says That?s odd, we?ve got a whisky named after you.
What: Bobby?
A gent helps an elderly lady carry her groceries up the stair and is invited in for a treat. He is delighted to see a row of whisky bottles on the kitchen shelf however the old lady produces an orange as his reward.
Oh no missus, I couldn?t, says the disappointed gent.
Well what about a half? Asks the aged woman
Now we?re talking! says the gent
Right, just let me get a knife?
Back to the butcher?s shop
Have you a sheep?s heid?
No, it?s just how I part my hair.
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Have been reading for an hour and listening too, “The Rite of the Lie” was brilliant even with the cold. Will be back to catch up some more soon.
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Forgot to add: Happy Thanksgiving!
November 22nd, 2007 at 11:51 pm
I do leg-shave caring, shoulder-massage sympathetic, and wine-out-your-nose funny.
November 23rd, 2007 at 6:58 am
Please don’t post this up in your bar.
November 23rd, 2007 at 11:42 am
I’ve tried all the variations at least twice without much luck…well, if I’m honest I have won over a few co-dependant, borderline personality, anorexic, sexually depraved types but still…what does that say of me!? Perchance there are a few variations your not sharing as they are double secret, highly nefarious, and insidiously naughty types? Or is the problem that I use words like perchance…sounds like someting out of a Hallaquin Romance!
Lonely in Fillmore Butts
November 23rd, 2007 at 12:19 pm
“Fancy a shag?”
“Well I don’t normally, but you talked me into it”
My mate swears by it
November 23rd, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Hi Sam, never suave or a sophisticate, I compensated heavily with too much drink and shiny long hair. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t dance and had absolute zero confidence. I wore my father’s greasy collared crombie coat and a watch cap, a l? Dexies, ( it was the late seventies, dam it ) . I was a bit of a hormonal mess. I was in love with the wrong girl for too long, letters from London and much forlorning. She broke my heart and subsequently had quadruplets. I played rugby badly and hung out with the lads, lurking and sulking. It worked for a finis , on a girl dressing a window, with a red ribbon in her hair. It was the hair that did it.
November 24th, 2007 at 1:32 am
Pat, I do, but I don’t mind. It’s like a practice run for Christmas and we all like turkey which is just as well. A lot of Americans have pork or beef or something else for Christmas but I like a turkey. They’re also about the cheapest meat you can buy this time of year. 50 cents a pound. Our 18 lber fed 4 adults and 2 children over two days and there’s still a ton left to curry tomorrow. Bet you wish you hadn’t asked now. Please visit my sponsor at http://www.turkey-marketing-board.com.
Doc, is that how you won Mrs. Maroon? Just asking. The butchers ones are best. Jokes, that is but I also mean sausages.
Hi Nea! Thanks. We have a lot of Scandinavian ancestry in Lewis – Vikings invaded in the 7th century and left behind lots of “wick” “vik” “lax” and uig placename endings; tall, blonde people; and some language artifacts: our accents have a lot of soft esses and sometimes our intonation is the same. I’ve been assumed to be Swedish a number of times. When I hear Swedish people talking English on the telly, it’s not all that far off a Lewis accent, particularly very deep, rural Lewis accents from the remoter villages. Cheers for stopping by!
Bock, leg-shave caring? Hell, that’s caring, alright. You are perfect! Take me!! The taking will have to be virtual of course so the shoulder massage is bound to be a bit disappointing, but we should be able to manage the wine-out-the-nose, though the miles cruelly separate us. I’ll be sure to have a bottle of white in. Red’s too alarming for that sort of thing.
Daphne, I wouldnee. I did get a fabulous, kindly-looking old jester head for the bar though. He’s mounted in a box frame ready to hang and he’s called Griswald. He’s got certification papers and everything. I can’t recall exactly what they certify except for him being a 100% genuine jester-bust in a box, but I’ve shopped in the Barrowlands and it’s good enough for me.
Jeremy, in Fillmore? Are you back yet then? How was Florida? And tripley secret, tripley secret, my friend. Meaning you’ll have to buy me 3 of Nige’s Screaming Orgasms and a small port and lemon before I’ll ever tell. Or two Howling Orgasms, I reckon would do it too. He’s adding butterscotch scnapps now too for a 5-shot extravaganza. I doubt I’ll ever risk one again so gin’ll do. If yer buyin’ like.
Kim, anyone who starts a sentence with “Well, I don’t normally…” usually does. I don’t know if I heard that somewhere before or whether I just auto-divined it, but it’s dead wise and aphoristic-sounding so I’m sticking with it.
Sniffy, quadruplets? Holy contractions! You’re well out of it, mate. I bet nobody slept in that house for the first 3 years. I love the idea of you falling in love with a girl dressing a window, a red ribbon in her hair, but it being the hair that got you. You are a romantic, aren’t you, ya galoot! Suave sophisticates are unctuous and arrogant about twice as often as they’re not, so there’s no need to lament not being one. (Plus it’s impossible for any man under 35 to truly be a suave sophisticate, they just don’t know enough yet, no offence to the under-35s mind, it’s just the way I see it) A man should be himself and be comfortable with himself. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac to most women. Inner confidence is not the same as outer confidence at all and women can smell braggadocio a mile off. Some like it, most don’t.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Sam after this week-end I don’t know if I will ever be able to eat turkey again. On the other hand I did eat duck. God bless Maroon – I love his Ayrshire bacon and am off to regale MTL with it.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Excellent advice Sam…pretty sure that was the exact tactic used to woo my wife…yep, to a tee.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:13 am
You have just added to my arsenal of tactics on bagging the increasingly elusive poon tang.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Where can I go to find this type of man???
November 27th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Pat, re turkeys, I don’t like the way you can see their ear-holes. I’d sooner eat one as have to look at these ear-holes.
Joel, see, people? It worked for Joel! Who’ll call me a snake-oil saleswoman now?
Knudsen, I wasn’t aware they could be bagged. Always an education, my friend.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Hi Limerick Gal. Sorry, you were in my moderation queue so I didnee see you there.
After the How To Win A Lady’s Favour series has become an international best seller, why, you will find them in every corner of the land. I’m thinking by Christmas.