Post Brought To You By A Long, Boozy Easter Dinner And Some Still Loaded Insomia

In an occasion marked by solemnity and nervous hilarity, last week the cities of Ojai and Stornoway were officially twinned marking what Mayor Janice De KirkFitzMacCohenburgerski (America’s Miss Teen Melting Pot 1964) called “an occasion of immense cultural and economic importance to both towns.” Already an agreement is in place for the exclusive rights to trade sun-dried tomatoes and mutton between the two cities.

“Hahahahahaha!” Stornoway mayor, Mr Uistean “Big” MacAuley remarked upon hearing his Ojai counterpart describing Stornoway as a forward-thinking city with a great future ahead of it. “Oh, that’s a good one, right enough,” he added, guffawing mauvely.

Mayor KirkFitzMacCohenburgerski expressed the hope that the twinning would lead to a whole new era of cultural exchange, particularly for the young people of both towns. A young person, later told us, “Yeah, like, it’s a super-cool idea, furilla. These Scatch kids seem like cool, ya know? Gnarly. I mean at first I was all like, Whoa! what’s wrong with your teeth, dudes? But then I remembered that the Brits have, like, dental problems? And they can’t, like, help it? So I was all Hey man, don’t sweat it, my grandpa’s got the same deal. I heard it’s because of that Tony Thatcher bitch buying them Falklands from Northern Ireland so now there’s no money left to pay the dentists and’ shit. I learned all about that stuff in the World History class I had to take when Pottery and Navel-Gazing got filled up. Yo.”

While in Ojai, the Stornoway delegation are enjoying the hospitality of Rotary Club members who have opened their homes and locked their liquor cabinets for the week.

Mrs. Maggie-Aggie MacKenzie told us about her delightful experience staying with her host for the week. “Oh yes, a ‘ghraidh, I’m having a lovely time. The heat is a problem because I’m under the doctor at home for my varicose veins and I’m supposed to walk a mile every day but I’m chust not used to the heat, you see.” Mrs. MacKenzie dressed in a black wool skirt, thick wool stockings, her church hat and a frankly fabulous itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini bra top, giggled girlishly at “having her interview taken”, went on to describe how she “could never take a tan, I just go red and peel. A-woooohooohohohoho” she whooped, amiably elbowing this reporter off the sofa with surprising strength.

The twinning ceremony, marred only by a single small bladder incontinence incident described by Mr. John Jerome 88, as nothing really – hardly a dribble”, was hailed by all as a triumph. Here are some accounts of the day by attendees, in their own words, when asked what memories they would take away:

Savannah MacLeod, 15 (Stornoway) “Man, you can get Diesel here for washers! I think high fashion at low low prices is what makes America a strong moral leader on the global political scene.

Gerald Butler 63, (Ojai) “Well, mostly I’m just grateful to meet such a fine array of inbred people. I had my reservations at first, of course, but, I have to say, they’re really splendid ambassadors for the Scottish inbred community. A pleasant surprise indeed, especially after all the things I’d heard. I only saw one 11-digited person all week.”

Seamus MacCuish, 50, (Stornoway) “Amazing tractors.”

Sylvia Horborgenssen 49, (Ojai) “They’re just so cute with their little accents and all! I simply adore them! I wish I could keep one. I’m 1/16th Scottish myself, you know! They showed me a picture of their lil old Callanish stones, adn I said to Norm, didn’t I Norm? I said to Norm, we just have to get some of these made up for the front lawn. Cause it’s our hair-tage.”

Colin “Utter Bore” Morrison 38 (Stornoway) “Well they go on about California beaches and that but they’re not a patch on our unspoilt Lewis beaches and what about the rampant consumerism, eh? In my opinion this country’s got fat and lazy, too comfy. Can’t people be happy with just a lonely house, a madeira loaf and poor TV reception? Oh no, it’s “McMansion” this and “gateau” that. And the breakfasts! I mean who puts syrup next to sausages? No wonder America leads the world in childhood obesity…” (There a short muttering conference with with Miss Tiffany MacDonald, 38-26-36 (Stornoway))…”Oh. It appears that’s the Scots, but anyway that’s completely beside the point. The point is, the point IS, where’s the culture, eh? Where are the community bonds, the strong social fabric? It’s all I’m all right, Jack, out here. Nobody knows their neighbours, and why shouldn’t they have to when there’s me putting up with that old witch Peigi-Effie down the lane from me, with her, (affecting a falsetto) “Ooooh could you pick me up some milk when you’re in town, dearie?” and her completely fake multiple sclerosis. And why the helling hell can’t you get a drink anywhere past 11pm on a Tuesday? Land of the brave and home of the free, my arse. And another thing, what about the gun violence, eh? And being 26th in the world for education? There’s not enough long walks to isolated sheilings containing a thousand haunted memories, if you ask me. Not enough bitter weeping and rampant alcoholism for a healthy society. All this have a nice day rubbish. It’s so fake. So insincere. Everything’s just surfaces, healthy, happy, tanned looking surfaces. Everything’s so nauseatingly well-meaning. God I can’t stand it.” At this point Mr. Morrison had to be led away sobbing uncontrollably.”

Katherine-Anice Bolton-Macleod 29 (stornoway) speaking with commas and semicolons and words like “indubitably”: “What’s been most of interest from an anthropological point of view – I’m studying the subject at St. Andrews, you see – has indubitably, for me, been watching the interactions between the two cultures; examining the expectations, the accommodations made vis-a-vis social mores etc. Just this morning at the golf-club breakfast buffet (sponsored by Pammy’s Pampered Pooches), we had a very interesting discussion about how to make a proper cup of tea. Mr. MacCuish had expressed some dismay about the fact that the Lapsang Souchong he had been served was “bloody horrible” and “so weak it was nearly a fortnight.” This led to some embarrassment on behalf of the Ojaiwegians but, after Mrs. macKenzie produced some Tetley’s teabags from her handbag for everyone to try, there followed an interesting exchange of ideas on the practice of adding milk, whether lemon with tea was “poofy” and what was the point of iced-tea, exactly. Fascinating. I think we all learnt a great deal.”

The Stornoway delegation are in town ’til after happy-hour on Thursday, whereupon they continue on to Las Vegas.

32 thoughts on “Post Brought To You By A Long, Boozy Easter Dinner And Some Still Loaded Insomia”

  1. I am quite stupendously giggleified and such. I never knew that even my toes could laugh. But they can. See!

    ps. I knew tractors would have to come into it somewhere. They’re like that – tractors. Always coming into things.

  2. Heh! If Colin Morrison had been slightly more supercilious and intellectual, I would have guessed he was a professor at Heriot-Watt University. What surprised me was that Katherine-Anice was from Stornoway rather than Ojai. I never realised that such earnest and polite young ladies lived in that part of the world.

  3. “so weak it was nearly a fortnight”, feckin’ brilliant. LMAO. In fact my ass was so laughed off, I had to go and borrow another ass, and laugh it off. AND that one is almost gone at this stage.

  4. Sneezy, I know men who could bring tractors into any conversation in the world, including high-level doctrinal debate at the Vatican, (What tractor would Jesus have driven?) street violence in LA (not enough tractors to capture the imagination of the youth) laser eye-surgery (needed if you can’t see your tractor) and foreplay (Vroooom!)

    Nanas, there are earnest people everywhere but we keep ours indoors and underfed in the Hebrides so that they have the best possible chance in the national Earnest-offs.

    John. I wish that was mine but it’s something my granny used to say. Trick to keeping a good stock of asses around is to befriend some Rush Limbaugh listeners. Always reliable asses in a pinch.

  5. I wanna be twinned! Then interviewed and my interview posted on these pages for all to read in envy. (stomping dainty foot) I wanna be twinned!

  6. guffawing mauvely

    Well, bugger me. I didn’t know “mauve” could be used as an adverb. Gosh, I feel like such a cretin. I’m now going off to practice being/acting/guffawing in a mauvish way, thank you.


  7. My hometown (Riverside) is twinned with Sendai, Japan, where I once spent two pleasant years. Poor old Riverside won in that exchange. I have often wondered what, if anything, the Sendai-ites were thinking; all I can imagine is that someone must have got them very drunk and shoved the papers at them in a dimly-lit bar.

    Brilliant stuff, Sam, as usual. I still maintain that in a childhood obesity contest, the Scots AND the Yanks would both lose out to the people in the Coventry public swimming baths. I’m not kidding: they were champs.

  8. Mayor KirkFitzMacCohenburgerski is fucking brilliant, Sam.
    Tee hee.
    Your post makes me think of the place we have in common.

  9. Jali, as with all twins it’ll only be a matter of time before Stornoway and Ojai are squabbling over the remote.

    Rand, I think you’re probably too fit and healthy to do anything mauvely. You need forty years hard drinking and a veiny nose to be able to adverbialize mauve.

    Primal, you’re obviously either a Pentecostal or Seventh Day Adventist if you believe Jesus would drive a Fordson Major. It’s right there in Jesus’ Parable of The Seeds that the seeds that fell on ground ploughed by a Fordson Major shrivelled and flourisheth not, while the seeds that fell on the John Deere ploughed land flourisheth quite well considering the dry spring they’d had. The John Deere land also had less dandruff.

    Mary, I suspect that’s exactly how towns get twinned. A drunken night out of the towns’ high mucky mucks, pinkie swears and perhaps some mayor-on mayor action.

    Medbh, I bet it was Sylvie and Norm made you think of it, ja? Did you used to get your groceries from KirkFitzMacCohenburgerski & Sons too? Or are you thinking of the KirkFittzO‘Cohenburgerskis from Coon Rapids? (Go Coons!)

    Jen, Colin comes from a big family. The Utter Bore Morrisons bore viciously all over the Western Seaboard.

  10. You must have been torn – being born and bred to the one and adopted and adopting the other. Where does your allegiance lie? Or to apply the Norman
    Tebbit test who would you cheer for in a cricket match – Stornaway versus Ojai? At least you have a common language – sort of. We were twinned with Le Puy but don’t get me started!
    Lovely stufff as usual darling.

  11. Bock, take that back!

    Pat, what on earth time to you get up in the morning, woman? Did being twinned with Le Puy cost your town a lot of money then?

    fatmammycat, sometimes it’s hard to love a Colin.

  12. Savannah, there are so very many ways to think about Ojai. It’s more of a state of mind than a town, a state of the altered mind.

    Manuel, it’s been done. The feds aren’t allowed to release the files on it until 2075 when most of the holidaymakers and their victims will have passed away.

    Bock, good plan but I warn you, in horror movies he’s a scene-stealer.

  13. Is Mayor Janice, a D’Kirk etc rather than De Kirk etc. The D’, having become Rep’ sometime in the past and you did mention the Ojai.

  14. i tried out for Miss Teen Melting Pot back in 1996. didn’t make it past the “swimsuit in clogs” round. i think the panel was fixed.

  15. I only discovered recently (from my Comanche-Scots friend Smokin’ Squaw McGraw) that Ojai is pronounced “Oh hi” and not Ojay like the famous white-suited disco group from the 70’s. You live and learn.

  16. Vincent, nope, I don’t get it. I’m baffled. Are you being cryptic?

    Kara, for a fondue set for 10 I would enter such a Miss Melting Pot competition too. I’m sure you looked divine in your swimmies and clogs, darling. I think a pair of Swedish braids, some bagpipes and a tribal bone nose ring would have rendered you more melty but we live and learn, we live and learn.

    Eryl, we can’t keep sheep in Ojai, I’m afraid. The heat causes them to stew in their fleeces. No town wants sheep with unsightly damp patchesunder their limb-pits wandering all over.

    Andraste, right you are! I never saw the show but someone told me that once. According to the same Wikipedia article, they shot the Six Million Dollar Man tv show here too. I did not know that.

    Sugar, a lot of squealing and giggling and a bit of grumbling about their not being enough tractors. Also the sound of female Hebridean eyeballs boinging out of their sockets at the scantily clad Roman centurions, and male Leodhasach jaws hitting the ground at the exotic lady cocktail servers.

    Daphne, c’est vrais. Is that the same Smokin’ Squaw McGraw who littered a trail of broken hearts down the main street before high-tailing it out of town with a big noise in small shorts from Santa Barbara? Or is it the canteen lady who spontaneously and humanly combusted?

  17. I’ve been looking at maps of voter returns for the past number of US elections- it’s a bit like election porn to me- anyhow, it seems that one would need to be a republican to get (elected ?) to serve coffee in the Orange, to find a democrat there and describe him an endangered species, implies a protection he would not receive. And so, the D’. DE-mocrat.
    Ah well, I’ll improve.

  18. Vincent, ah! I see. I half-way inkled it might be something political but out here Rep usually refers to a Representative in congress. Republicans are GOPers (Grand Old Party) or just denoted R; and Democrats are DFLers or Dems or Ds. I’m not in Orange County though. Nope, wee town, North of LA’s me. 90 odd miles, the miles going through the San Fernando Valley being the oddest.

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