CNN Question – Ojai Reacts
I was looking at the CNN website tonight and their “Quick Question” of the day was this:
Is faith or religion important in your choice of presidential candidates?
As “Our Girl In Ojai”, I decided to put that very question to random people in the street in my own town of Ojai. Yes, in the dark, what of it? An intrepid reporter must be ready to spring into action whenever she senses the opportunity for an easy poll. Some people say mere vox-pops are lazy journalism, meaningless to all intents and purposes, and just a cheap way to fill column inches better used for serious analysis. I say it’s been a long weekend and I need both a literal and figurative walk-in-the-park. So bite me.
Mrs Jennifer Ennuyer-De-Tout (39 (yeah right)) Power-walking:
“Darling, I couldn’t care less if the presidential candidates worship the blocked follicle round Dangermouse’s third whisker as their lord and personal saviour. I just want to know their plan for more affordable butt-lifts.”
Margery Toolbridey (67), walking daschunds:
“I think it’s really sad how we as a nation have lost our faith. In fact, my church has launched a crusade to teach the message to our young folks. It has a three-pronged message to remind them of the three prongs on Satan’s fiery trident prodding their buttocks for all eternity if they don’t take heed. The first message prong is “Judaism is for Jerks!” The second is “Islam Threatens Our Very Way Of Life And Wants To Steal Our God-Given Oil So Just Say No To Allah!”; and the third prong is “Mormonism Is For Queers, Gaylords And Perverts.”
What’s that, dear? A more positive message? Oh well, “Jesus Saves!” obviously, and, despite it sounding a bit Catholic, we’re also keen to promote “The Sacred Heart Of The Blessed Doctrine Of The Holy Trickle-Down” because supply-side economics and fundamental Christianity go hand-in-hand. “Jesus Saves!” is itself an injuction to be frugal. I mean it’s a scriptural fact that Jesus was a fiscal conservative…It isn’t?… Oh well it’s practically a fact and if that’s good enough for my minister, it’s good enough for me. My gosh! I mean I think we can all agree that Our Lord was certainly the type of fellow to have a savings account to look after his own retirement, can’t we. Jesus wasn’t a sponger. He didn’t expect the State to support him, he wasn’t a tax-and-spend bleeding-heart pinko. “Get up and walk!” Isn’t that what he told the cripples? Not “Here’s some free money, the number of a good support group and a pamphlet about your rights.” No!
Our Saviour was a Reagan-style Republican, no doubt about it. He even taught us “Suffer the little children.” Of course, that was the olden days and things were very different back then. We don’t believe in letting the little children suffer now – although I maintain that little 12-year-old trollope who brought the charges against my husband was asking for it!! No we no longer believe some of Jesus’ more old-fashioned ideas any more than we still believe the thing about the rich and the camel through the eye of the needle. We don’t even drive camels nowadays, we drive SUVs if we can afford them, so the analogy doesn’t work, you see. God never intended that we should believe everything in the bible – that would be ridiculous. And anyway, I personally believe a loving God would allow chronically obese people who can’t walk the length of themselves to drive to the pearly gates in an SUV.
Neil Strangefellow (23) Picking scabs, moaning softly, rocking back and forth on a park bench:
Frankly, I think there’s too much faith in things of all sorts. I would like to see a presidential candidate who utterly lacks faith in everything “known” to man. I don’t believe in anything. I mean you can’t, can you? It’s sheer human hubris to be all “E=mc2″ and “macaroni and cheese is delicious” Oh yeah? Says who? What gives us the right to make these blanket declarations, eh? Take gravity – how do we know gravity’s not just an incredible series of countless complete coincidences? I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in you. Or me, for that matter. At a stretch I might believe in underpants, not your’s, mine. But even they could be a hoax.
Unwilling To Be Identified (42ish) Lurking in bushes by swings:
“Maybe. Who wants to know?”
Miss Alli Teratesalot (34) Jogging with cat:
“My heart goes out to the candidates, you know? What with polls and pundits and the prying press, it must be terrible trying to pander egregiously to different religious groups and maintain a flimsy commitment to the separation of church and state.”
Mr Chuck Just Chuck (49) Shooting squirrels and admiring his Jesus tattooes:
“As a religioner myself, I just have one question of the candidates: Armageddon – sooner rather than later? I mean a candidate’s position on that could affect our whole environmental policy. It might not even be worth preserving energy and pursuing renewable resources if we only have a few more years before the Rapture. If it’s anytime soon I plan to burn some tyres and diesel in a pristine spot and barbecue me some endangered species, oh yeah…go out in style wid my buddies from the bar prayer-group. I’m not voting for anyone who says the End’s coming this side of the play-offs though. I can’t get behind a President or a God who’d let that happen.
Miss Tenderfoot Rainwillow (45) Chanting and lying naked within a circle of stones beside a phallicaly-shaped wood-carving:
“Oh, I really don’t care about their faith or their religion. I just want a candidate who’s spear-i-chew-ul, you dig? O Mighty Spirit Of The Oak! Come metaphorically impregnate my fertile womb lalalalala…goddess…bracken…lalalala” (Miss Rainwillow breaks off into chanting and personal insanity)
April 15th, 2008 at 2:53 am
You are the funniest person on the whole Internet! Have you found a way to make money of your brilliance? Channelling it via your blog is kindness personified but you should find a way to be paid. Until you do, thank you.
April 15th, 2008 at 4:30 am
Yes Charlotte is right but seriously I’d be content if they would just tell the truth – no reflection on US politics – I’m thinking UK. And I don’t like the thought of you out alone at night approaching strangers -especially not scabby ones.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:50 am
That eye of a needle thing is all very well when the only needle anyone ever came by is used to sew in shirt buttons. Where its eye, the needles, is designed for an ability to remain hidden and the very idea of a camel, single, double humped or one you stick in your mouth, entering, is just plain foolish.
But then, when in Rome London or Washington you see the needle, and end up wondering what the hell was wrong with that camel and just how bloody big were they breeding them. Otherwise,….
April 15th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I’m with Miss Alli Teratesalot. Politicians present the pastor/priest profile at every opportunity. It’s a profile, or pose, of all presidential pretenders. Pffft!
April 15th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Whoah Chuck,
Bruce Willis for President!
He wears a vest just like yours!
We can go a huntin some sumatran rhinos,
Fore we crack a beer, and THEN enjoy the play-offs
Whoo-HA!
April 15th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Charlotte, you are one of the most generous people on the internet with your lovely things to say and all. I would very much like some money for blogging but nobody is beating down the door to give me any…oh wait! What was that? Bah, just the UPS man. Hold up! I seem to remember the UPS man is a bit of a cayootie…back in a bit… “Yoohoo Yoopie! Special delivery for moi, you say? Oh, Yoopie…!
*Drags fingers through hair, plumps bosom and pinches wan cheeks*
Pat, believe me, people in a park at night are more scared of me. When the milky moon-light glints off my pale, sickly skin they think I’m a ghost. Sometimes I wear a nightie too, just to see them quake in their scabs. You should see ‘em when I say woooo. Chortle.
Vincent, still, in Rome, London and Washington you’d have to use some sort of a crane to get them up to the eye. The camels would be nervous too at that height, I should think. Imagine the health hazard to people below if a camel lost control of his bowels high over the city. I don’t see Ken Livingstone allowing it, frankly.
Conan, you alliterate like a king, my friend! You get the impression sometimes that people would prefer a convicted murderer in the whitehouse than an admitted agnostic.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:59 am
You are privileged to live amid such interesting humans. I think I’d vote for Miss Tenderfoot. I never disagree with a fertile woman.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Any athiest running would instantly get my vote. Too bad that’ll never happen. A satanist would have an easier time of it.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I agree with Charlotte! There should be a book. No! There WILL be a book (don’t make me cut and paste). It’s time.
It scares me that anyone would vote based on religion or looks. Really scares me.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Nanas, “May you live in interesting times” was meant as a curse when it was first coined. May you live with interesting humans is a bit of a two-headed coin itself. Or two-tailed. Double edged is what i’m trying to say. Yup, a double-edged penny – I’d have to try really hard to come up with a worse metaphor than that.
Medbh, they’re all Satanists though, given that they believe there is a satan, right? The best thing to do with a devil is to ignore it and its impish temptations to evil – nothing makes a devil madder than being ignored. Crowning his with horns and investing him with power over all mankind is the surest way to increase his power. But I think the church might find it handy to have big powerful bogeyman like that so they talk him up too.
Jali, there just isn’t a huge market for sheep and seagull stories, toots. Very very few people care about the doings of the sheep and seagulls. I guess that’s what the internet’s for. For seekers of the Sheep Way and the Seagull Path to find their voice.
You know what I heard the other day though, on NPR of all places – a woman at a Clinton rally was being asked why she favoured Clinton over Obama and she said she’s heard some things about Obama she wasn’t happy with. Like what? asked the interviewer. Well he’s a Muslim, isn’t he? said the woman. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! She considered herself an informed member of the electorate with a strong handle on the issues. For the love of Christmas trees, Jali, I swear I damned near wept at that.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
So it was you asking all those questions.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
sAm Crea, oops sorry, missed ya there in the moderation bit. Chuck says “Hooyah!” He told me you’d know what he meant. Then he said something about Chuck Norris ascending to the right hand of the Lord come the End. Wee heads up: Sumatran rhinos can be a bit tough this time of year – they’d benefit from an overnight marinade in the venom of the greater fanged mongoose which only lives high on one rocky mountainside in deepest China. You’d have to decimate some virgin forest to reach there and get it but hey, the Rapture’s coming anyway – we may as well rape now these bits of the earth we’ve been too busy to get round to raping before.
Mr. Unwilling To Be Identified, I thought I detected an Irish lilt to the muttered imprecations. Scrunching up my artist’s impression of you was bad form though. Intrepid reporters hate to have our notebooks man-handled. And snapping my pencil was just plain mean. Just as well I am outfitted at all times with a ten-pack of spares.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
i am chanting “obama, obama, obama” constantly, sugar! as to religion, just once i would love to hear a candidate say, “to you be your way, to me be mine! now let’s talk about how we get our country back on track!” *sigh*
( i love your reporting skills!)
xoxxoo
April 15th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Savannah, I’m pinning all my hopes on Obama too. Of the three remaining candidates he seems to have the most integrity as a person and a politician. He stays above the fray and he doesn’t talk to us like we’re idiots. He respects us and expects us to do some work too in really examining the things that ail us, as a country. When I think about an Obama presidency I feel more hopeful than I ever have about American politics. Idealogically there’s not much between he and Clinton on the issues but he gets the extra points for his class and integrity.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Picking scabs, moaning softly, rocking back and forth on a park bench:
hey thats my daily routine…..
April 15th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
how i wish faith was something that could be left at the door with the rubber rainboots. it doesn’t belong inside.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:51 am
I’m sure this piece would be ideal for The Onion or some such thing.
And I will forever more be stuck with the image of an SUV trying topass through the eye of a needle
April 16th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Manuel, when I lived in Minnesota there was a boaters’ bar called Scabs over the river in Wisconsin. It had a sign out front saying “Thank-You For Picking Scabs! Have A Nice day!”
Kara, I know. Trying to get ground-in religion out of the carpets is a battle.
Kim, a much lesser publication than the Onion though, I think. The Shallot.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Please be advised this office is bringing an action agaisnt both you personally and the publication you work for because of your well rounded and deeply researched article noted above. As you know media outlets in this country are to be biased and underhanded in their reporting and you and your employer have repeatedly refused to comply with this as well as our media rules and regulations regarding the news being read to us by a bobble-headed blonde or at the very least an old white guy.
Your unrealistic insistance on reporting the news in a fair and honest way goes against everything this law office stands for.
We’ll see you in court!!!
Sincerely,
James J. Thistleinbutt, JD, SOB, PITA
The law office of James J. Thistleinbutt is a FOR profit S-Corporation licensed in the state of Non-equalibrium and if you have received this correspondence in error please contact this office so we can file suit against you as well.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:32 am
That’s the problem with insanity in this age; it’s been too impersonal. So I have a soft spot for Ms Rainwillow. [walks off looking for stones]
April 17th, 2008 at 7:53 am
What I’d really like to know is where Cain’s wife came from? Cabbage patch?
April 17th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Mr. J.J. Thistleinbutt, I have taken advice on the matter and understand now that I will never break the glass truth-ceiling in this media climate by pursuing the facts and reporting them faithfully without bias or agenda. I have handed in my pencil and my Junior Reporter’s badge and have now settled on a career as a weather-person. No action from your office will be necessary and unless someone corrupts me with an obscene amount of money, I will retire from fair and balanced journalism forthwith.
Eolai, I believe she’s very personal.
fmc, Ha! Right! I think though that with the bible, we’re supposed to suspend our disbelief for some of the plot points, and then never quit suspending it for the rest of our lives.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Damn, I never know which bits are fiction and which bit are facts. How do we feel about he ark? Would a t-rex really be so laid back about sea faring?