Ojai Police Blotter
Police Blotter for the town of Ojai, week-ending May 2nd 2008.
A Thomas Avenue woman was arrested Sunday for failing to make a little birdhouse in her soul when she rammed her car into another vehicle for allegedly “nipping into” her parking spot.
In a rash of related incidents:
A Richard Street man was arrested for making a little bird-house in his soul using mdf instead of sustainably-grown timber.
And a Harry Blvd man was taken into custody for purchasing the Chinese little birdhouse in his soul from Wal-Mart.
In other crime:
A Moe Crescent man was arrested on suspicion of possession of a hazardous processed meat product (sausage).
A Larry Lane woman was detained for questioning regarding possible breach of a local ordinance reqiring citizens to wear at least one article of hemp clothing. After revealing that her underwear was organic cotton tie-die she was given a warning and released to her family who are said to have been worried about their loved one’s rebellion and her “experimenting” with Dockers and GAP clothing.
A Curly Avenue youth was detained on suspicion of not singing along at a candle-lit Crosby, Stills & Nash tribute concert. Witnesses seated near him in the crowd said the suspect appeared to be “only mouthing the words” and that he’d yawned two times during “Our House.”
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:15 am
Not to put too fine a point on it…
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet – do be do. They not only Might Be Giants, they bloody Are.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:47 am
I must say you’ve got very efficient police in your locality. I suppose bribes would have been out of the question.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Sam, it sounds just like Eugene, Oregon.
We loved there for a couple of years and I couldn’t get over how deeply authoritarian those hippies were.
It’s also like a time capsule of 1969 all over the place.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“….Two cats in the yard, life used to be so haaaaard…”
Oh yeah? Well I hope they got themselves some goddamn kitty litter, can’t have cats pooping about the place.
Should I ask how the folks in Groucho Avenue are behaving?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Nanas, the police around here can only be bribed with holistic medicine vouchers, and they are such hot stuff around here it’s like trying to procure pork from Mr. Cohen, the butcher.
Medbh, I’ve heard that about Eugene. After a while, like anything else, conformity to a set of rules, rules ironically. I like hippies but find it absurd that they will often cover their stinky, belching, sub-code VW vans with the “Earth’s Our Mother” stickers.
Conan, they’ve taken up radical communism. Complete Marxists. Their radical side comes out in what they call Extreme Pamphleteering. They stuff pamphlets through letter boxes, down chimneys. They covertly empty cereal packets in the supermarket and spike them with pamphlets. They put them up exhaust pipes and coffins and slip them down broken-limbed people’s plastercasts when they’re not looking. They have made the whole of the Avenue a living pamphlet hell.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Who watches over you?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
bwahahahahahahahaha……..you get em yet?
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Bock, I am a self-policing entity which works out very nicely, all said. I have no problem surveilling myself and my movements and I haul myself in regularly for routine questioning, playing the old Good-Me/Bad-Me routine with me. I run myself like a police state of one. Mostly because I like the boots you get to wear in a police state.
Manuel, you mean the malfeasants or the badges? Not yet but our post is slow and the police here smoke a lot of doobie, so it’ll probably take longer than expected for both.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:57 am
Oh can I have a little bird-house in my soul? The thought of all those gently fluttering wings is so soothing and restful.
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 am
We love Malcolm in our anarchic house. We try not to let our own Mom see their Mom, lest she get ideas. Are you adopting her as a role model? Yes, adopt her as a role model Sam.
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:23 am
Don’t you have the occasional dust-up in your pub? Some contratemps following Trivia Night, perhaps?
Cheers.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:49 am
[insert comment here when I can think of one...]
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:05 am
Do you have the sort of poilice who mess with your blog clock so that you end up with comments from tomorrow appearing today – timezones notwithstanding?
-I’ll do it tomorrow officer, sir, officer.
-You will not; you’ll do it today son.
Do they steal lawnmowers in Ojai? Police on in-line skates chasing thieves on lawmowers would be very cinematic.
May 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
LOL…and i thought savannah police were on the job!
*i miss cali*
May 4th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
That’s weird that I typed ‘loved’ instead of ‘lived” when clearly, I didn’t love Eugene. The best part was being only an hour and a half from the gorgeous coast and the food was immaculate.
But the hippie police? No thanks.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
How do the people on Black Blvd/St/Av – there is always a Black something or other in american towns, ’tis the law. And where else would the black hatted cowboys live. – show up on your blotter. While I do not believe that I have handled organic cotton, might have, anyhow, so I’m at a bit of a loss, and drifted towards wool undies. For I have a picture of anything organic as being like the organic TP you can get.
May 5th, 2008 at 8:06 am
I was buying it all until you said there were actual people at the Crosby, Stills and Nash show.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I couldn’t live anywhere where sausage was banned, but I do have a pair of organic wool socks, so I could perhaps visit briefly.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
The curly Avenue youth sounds a dead ringer for our dopey MP who was minister of Wales and mouthed the Wales national anthem looking for all the world like Doctor Spock or a mad alien. He’s never lived it down.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Nick, you too can have a little bird-house in your soul! You’ll need to put some newspaper down too though.
Sniffle, I am staring blankly at your comment not knowing what to make of it. Help?
Rand, contretemps do occur, Rand, generally between the partners though. I keep out of it.
Kim (insert reply when Kim thinks of comment)
Eolai, over the past two years the police have had to chase a lady regularly, known as the Pasty Lady. She either roller-skates or bikes through town wearing nothing but a thong and a pair of flesh coloured pasties. She’s a bit of a local celebrity and around town almost daily. Her aim is to highlight environmental issues. She’s leaving to go home to Oregon though, the paper said last week. She was arrested for a nude protest outside the Catholic Church a couple of Sundays ago and charges that So, Cal, where she thought she could be free, is a “police state”. The letters page in the newspaper have never been so lively with her fans and detractors leaping to defend or decry.
savannah, see Eolai’s comment – the California spirit is still skating strong, baby!
Medbh, Oregon seems to give So. Cal a good nudey run for its hippiness. Pasty Lady of eolai’s comment is moving back there.
Vincent, TP? I have no idea what’s wrong with me today but this is the second comment I’ve failed to understand. That’s you and Sniffly both. I hope it’s not in any way related to that article on early-onset Alzheimer’s I was reading about yesterday. Gulp.
Eryl, all visitor’s must apply for a visa and be interviewed by the mayor on such varied topics as what’s your position on tofu, and what’s your position on grilled tofu?
Pat, I Googled it and saw the guy, John Redwood, miming the anthem on You-Tube – hilarious!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Bog roll: Or as from South Pk, TP for the Bunghole. The Daily Mail, English or Irish editions. Way way way, too much modern fiction and all autobiography written by committee.
Wow, so can we now call ‘Dear Paris’ a social artist a la Miss Moss.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Sorry Sam, they also wrote the theme tune to Malcom in the Middle (Boss of me now). Do you watch MIM? If not, it’s definitively worth a look.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Charles, hi! You were in moderation so I didn’t catch you there. Not only that, it wasn’t the real Crosby Stills and Nash, it was a tribute band! And not even that it was packed!! I know, it’s incredible!
Vincent, aaaaaah!
Sniffle, if MIM is anything like mime, I certainly do not!