My erstwhile rogerer, the one I was telling you about from the British Library, in the last post, remember? Well he has been studying the Cnoctic Gospels for almost a year now and, although he is nowhere near ready to publish a paper yet, the tiny fraction of the fragments they have managed to piece back together have already revealed a startling new picture of Jesus. A picture one can well imagine the early church wanted hushed up.

For The Gospel of Peadair and The Twelve offers us a sullen, teenage Jesus, conflicted and resentful of his duties as the Son of God and rebelling in the classic way, through upsetting hairstyles and music. Mary is depicted as being at the end of her tether with him.

In a few stunning verses, unprecedented in their intimate portrayal of Jesus’s domestic life, we see the family seated around the breakfast table:

9. And the breakfast was of toast and lo the toasts were good
10. And Joseph said unto Jesus, “Arise and go forth, bring me the date preserves, for it is meet and right so to do.”
11. But Jesus spake thus unto Joseph “Thou can’st order me about! Thou aren’t my real dad!”
12. And a great hurt came into Joseph’s eyes. And it happened that Joseph did turn away and his eyes did fill with tears.
13. Then did Mary scream unto Jesus,”Thou ungrateful wee toe-rag! What hath Your “real” Father ever done for Thou? Eh?” rageth she. “Hath HE sat up lo these many nights when the scary dreams did trouble Thine brow? Hath HE given unto me, even one time, the shekels wherewith to buyeth Thee sandals and meat?”
14. And Jesus was shamed. And his brother, James, sniggereth unto himself and did enrage Our Lord. Therefore did Jesus rise and smite his brother with a hammer of wood and, lo, a great weeping was heard from Mary.
15. And Mary leapeth to her feet and, gathering worthless James unto her bosom, crieth unto Jesus “O, what is it all about? This life? This dusty existence? Thou! Thou art meant to be the one with all the answers! Thou tellest me!
16. And, Jesus! Look at the state of Thine hair! Thou’st brought us nothing but heartache, mine boy. It’s Thy fault that mine name is rubbish in this town! Which among us could swallow that story of a virgin birth? Not the women at the well, I’ll telleth thee that for starters!
17. O what is this burden you have brought upon us? When shall we see the bounties of bringing up the Son of God? He did promise me a nice house and a housekeeper, that night long ago. Go asketh Him what did happen to all that, eh?”
18 And Jesus turneth unto his mother and the light in His eyes shone with…

And then there’s a big smudge.

Later in the same Gospel, there is a fragment which shows the young Jesus much troubled with the burdens of his role on Earth. In the way of many teenagers we are told that He lets his pain out through His music. Still young and confused here, He does not yet appear to have one style He favours over the others, although later fragments suggest He gets fairly deeply into grunge. The passage here show Jesus playing around with different genres, mostly show-tunes, opera and folk with a nod to death-metal:

18. And at that time in Canaan there arose a great dust storm. And all the people of the land fell and their eyes and ears were filled with dust, yea, and their mouths too, until it came to pass that noone couldst say a thing, nay, not even mumble.
19. And the dust storm lasted for one day and one night.
20. And behold, the only mouth not filled with the dust was the blessed mouth of Jesus. And a frenzy took over our Lord and He did run and run and run so far away, e’en unto… (Text missing)…

(Text missing)…came unto the Mound of Olives and did fall over curse and writhe on the bare ground for he deemed unto his own eyes that he was no longer righteous.
13. Then did Jesus rise and spread his arms unto the vast sky and such beauty did then pour from his lips as he sang.
14. “O holy mio, I am the Son.
15. I shineth on you/ With my sun pun.
16. Oooooh – I’m in your eyes,
17. Best wear sunglasses
18. When you’re outside….” (Some regrettable weevil damage here)

And:

“…two, three, four, Tell me more tell me more/Father what is in store?
30. Tell me more, tell me more? Oh please don’t let it be sore!
31. Summer preaching, had me a blast…
32 People loved me, I kicked Satan’s ass
33. Met a girl, she held my hand
34 Oooh we got sacred way down in the sa…” (more weevils)

And later:

…40. “Diddle-ee i i i, diddle-ee i i i. By the power o’ me Daddy O, there’s wine in Cana’s jars.”

Then in the next chapter:

Chapter 3.
1.” …Oooooooooooooooh! Oh yeah!
2. Uh-huh (uh-huh) Uh-huh (uh-huh)…”

And that’s all the Gospel my friend could tell me for the time being.

There’s no need to tell you the sensitive nature of this material so please don’t go gabbing to the papers. The investigators will only deny it and you will appear to the world to be a fool. One day soon though, when the studies are complete, the truth will be known, and you will know you were privy to a secret history as it was unravelled.

For now let us be content to learn from this knowledge for the lesson here is an important one. Our God is a jealous God, especially when it comes to ticket sales. Note well, friends, what happened to John Lennon after he said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

Here endeth the report.

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