C?irdeas-Sliasaid Agus Am Baile (Sex and the Village)

There isn’t much I could tell you about the sex lives of the Free Church elders that wouldn’t make you scream and cut your ears off with a circular saw. I could write it here but, if the countless people worldwide that read this blog were suddenly all to gouge their eyes out with grapefruit spoons on the same day, questions would be asked, and answers would be given and pretty soon word would get back to the elders about my suggesting they have sex-lives. Then they would tell God and I wouldn’t get into Heaven. I’m not risking eternal damnation for you lot, so instead I’ll tell you that pipistrel bats are active in and around Stornoway.

35 thoughts on “C?irdeas-Sliasaid Agus Am Baile (Sex and the Village)”

  1. That is not a grapefruit spoon, its a Kiwifruit spoon. Grapefruit, indeed. Next you’ll have it that the league of redheaded ladies does not exist.

  2. I once had a poetry professor ask, a propos of nothing, “Have you ever wondered how shoe salesmen have sex?”

    Of course, I hadn’t, at least not until that moment. Pondering the question almost caused me to take up vows.


  3. Roids, Nanas, roids.

    fmc, which puddy? I’m not going into the whole business for fear of thunderbolts, but I can give you a word montage of the scene: Teeth in tumbler. Squeeze. Grasp. Creak. Purple. Mottled. Puff. Distaste. Wordless. Squeak. Teeth back in.

    Prendy, less a clue, more a complete change of subject, tone and tenor for all our sakes.

    Manuel, let it out, friend. It’ll only eat you up inside if you don’t.

    Jeremy, pipistrels attack fresh, innocent, new potatoes, puncturing their skins with their fangs and sucking til their mouths drip with potatoey gore. They are valued in Lewis because they leave behind pre-punctured potatoes all ready for baking. Saves you the trouble of stabbing them yourself. A real convenience. All you have to do is wipe the saliva off.

    Rand, ha! Plenty of heels involved, I’m guessing. Bondage with laces, maybe? Lots of tongues and soleful luvin’, for sure.

    Medbh, one of the creepiest men i ever met was a Methodist elder in Yorkshire. I stayed with him and his wife on a farm one summer when I was 15. He was a pillar of the community and a Justice Of The Peace, regularly handing out sentences for minor local crimes. Devout was how people described him. He liked young girls because he ‘wasn’t compatible” with his second wife who was a Catholic, he added, whatever that meant. She “didn’t understand his needs.”

    Pat, and so many more will go to their rest with neither a sorry for what they’ve done, nor sorrow at what they’ve done.

    Kim, ha! Affected? This blog’s infested!

  4. Vincent, sexual intercourse. Literally, it might be skin rubbing or something. I had to look it up because I’ve never heard any Gaelic word for sex before. For a while there I thought there might not be one and, sadly, that didn’t surprise me.

  5. Front thigh or back thigh, dear.

    Now, I’m curious.

    And I’m very disturbed by that fact. (My curiosity) I’ll chalk it up to jet lag as I’ve spent two days in Denver.


  6. fmc, sounds like bliss to me.

    Rand, so that’s why I was getting all these hits from Google searches for “sheep wellie, thigh, lamp chop” hits. I don’t know. I’ve always liked you, Rand, but I never had you down for a wool merchant…

    Kara, I’m sorry, toots! I don’t know what I did there. I think I assumed I had already answered them somehow. I dunno! Certainly no harm meant, darling!

  7. That creepy Yorkshire elder you mention in the comments here… I met some born-again types in York one Saturday as a teenager (they used to hang around the centre of town and tell you the end was nigh/sing very off-tune hymns). The fella insisted he’d seen the light while in the shower. With an underage teenage lady. Presumably he felt comfortable telling me and my friend this because we were about 14/15 at the time. Shudder.

  8. I imagine your gaelic revivalists took on the mission of ridding the language of ‘dirty’ words, they certainly did it with Irish in Ireland. You’re sure “C?irdeas-Sliasaid” isn’t about friendly hams?

    I’ll see your pipistrelles with some Daubenton’s.

  9. Ah no, Conan, they didn’t. Look up ‘sex’ on focail.ie. Here, I’ll do it for you. They even have translations for .. eh, strange forms of sex – just scroll down.

  10. What struck me about the term was the very real humanity. It pointed to a very new or a very very old source for the term. A friendship, thigh or otherwise can only be held between human beings. Riding requires an animal and sex might be spiders, a friendship is a tad higher on the scale, b’fh?idir.

  11. Ooh, Sam, I could tell some tales here myself. I don’t think that all clergy-people are like this — I don’t even think that most are — but those few who are like this are triply, quintuply creepy and disturbing, and all too often their own hypocrisy sails right over their pious heads.

  12. Aren’ t you near Ojai? Nick Bromfield – a documentary director was asked –
    ‘If you had to be stranded in one place in the world where would it be?’

    Nick ‘ Ojai, California. It’s full of spirituality and surrounded by incredibly beautiful mountains. Krishnamurti lived here,and it was the place where the Shangri-La of Lost Horizon was said to be filmed.’

    Gosh Sam you have the luck! And is it called Ojai after orange juice?

  13. Free Church Elders – eh? All the ones I know say things like ‘muss ne’er offer the meeneester a trink, hic’ before they fall down. So sex, hmm. I bet they do it ALL with bats (pipistrelle or otherwise), young girls, whatever and completely deny it!

  14. Jen, eeeew. You wonder how much it would take for these people to completely lose it altogether. I bet they all have wives and sisters and daughters.

    Conan, we’re simple folk up there. Daubenton’s are too expensive, too rich for our blood. And our blood is too high a proof for them.

    Primal – I don’t even think there’s a word for anal in scottish Gaelic, unless it’s the same as the word for pious. There are any number of Irish Gaelic sites but just a very few Scottish Gaelic dictionaries online. What with the millions we pour into keeping the language alive every year, you’d have thought someone could have come up with something better on line than a school dictionary (which I’ve jsut found out I’ve been forbidden further access to!!!).

    Bock, horseback riding? Only at the trot.

    Vincent, chickens have thighs!

    Mary, no they’re not all like that, but there’s no harm in a bit of grossly unfair blanket characterizations now and again, is there?

    Pat, it is lovely here, but oh so hot, too too hot for me. It’s a Spanish name from back when California was Spanish, so it’s pronounced Oh-hi.

    Belleek, on quiet evenings, as plumes of peat smoke curl lazily into the air, who knows what’s going on behind Hebridean doors. In recent years i’ve learnt it’s not always pretty.

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