She Wore A Blueberry Bloget
Woohoo! Look at the blog! This is the absolute schmancy-assiest she’s ever been! She looks like she could get a job she’s not qualified for, in a language she can’t speak. She looks like she could kick Wordpress default template’s bottom wearing nothing but a pair of fabulous boots, scarlet lipstick and a French Resistance lady’s trenchcoat. Why, I declare, she is surely, I say she is surely is the finest-lookin’ blog written by a Hebridean housewife anywhere in the Ojai area!
Depending on what your monitor setting’s like, she might look jaundiced and yellow about the writing area. She’s like that on the Problem Husband’s monitor. But on mine she’s rosy of intext-link with a non-cancerous Levantine tan. I’m smitten with her anyway so tough filet mignons if y’all don’t like her looks.
Clever-Bloke Tom is responsible for all the techie stuff. He is a great bloke, friendly, patient and knowledgable and I highly recommend him to anyone wanting technical help. He changed the blog’s host for me – something that ended up needing some hand-coding, the very thing I was afraid of. Then he very ably changed the look of the thing. If I ever need anything complicated done again, I’m going right to Tom.
The header up there was one of several designed for me by the inimitable Wally Torta/Sparky Donatello of Crackskullbob(pants), a pal and an artist of astonishing talent, humour and imagination. His blog is terrific and well worth visiting. You’ll have fun there. He put up with my hemming and hee-hawing over which design to choose in 7004 emails on the subject.
He won’t want me telling you this but every Tuesday Wally goes to a room and gazes at naked people. Yes. He does. On Wednesdays, he paints in the nude in the comfort of his own home and Thursday is his plein-air nude day, weather-permitting. Friday and Saturday he’s mostly in jail for Thursday’s indecent exposure rap but usually he’s out by Sunday, when he practices his faith of Ultra-Orthodox Episcopalian Gardening – a fiscally conservative sect which believes in trickle-down piety and the transubstantiation of steamed broccoli with just a hint of butter into the body and blood of Ronald Reagan, Walt’s Lord and Personal Saviour. He believes in the transformative powers of saying “fuck” and the transcontinental doctrine of adding “‘em all!” His cat is called Bernice and as far as I know he hasn’t killed anyone despite having those eyebrows…
I’d also like to thank God, obviously.
But most important to the changing of this blog has been my dear little cat, Trouble, (affectionately known as Wubs; angrily known as Oiyoulittleasshole; Show name – Pride of The Torpid Sasquatch III; American Indian Name – Dances With Shoelaces; Kabbalah Name – Esther; Porn Name – Nipples Galore; Pirate Name Disemboweling Dorothea the Holy Terror of the Western Sofa; Preferred name: Bob). Trouble refrained almost entirely from walking, sleeping and vomiting on my keyboard during the move and for that I am forever in her tummy-rubbing debt.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
it’s very lovely, Sam.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
As Rosie said, lovely. And yes on my screen the body is a legal doc’ yellow, with the side at the blue side of black or the black side of blue. Dont know which. But, Very well trimmed indeed. Congrats.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Aaaaw shucks, Rosie. *Giggles; does twisty torso thing*
Vincent, legal doc yellow? Blimey that is yellow! On mine it looks like a sort of cream colour. Like a cream-coloured stone or something
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Nice.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Is that the Little House on the Outer Hebrides? The picture is too wide for my screen, but otherwise I like it.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Velly velly nice. Indeedy so.
Oh, and I likes Dances With Shoelaces and Disembowelling Dorothea the Holy Terror of the Western Sofa too.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:14 pm
My brand spanking new monitor has never welcomed such a pretty picture before. Bravo!
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Just to add my congrats. I love the top image – speaks volumes about the independence and style. Well done.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:55 am
Well done. I like it.
Cheers.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:05 am
I also like it.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 am
Good design, I like it. I like the panorama at the top and especially the wee light on in the top left of the house, what’s going on there I wonder, someone blogging the night away?
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 am
Bonjours ,
In 800×600 It is perfect ! Personalized ; cream ( Étymologie gaulois “crama” ) On bottom, between Blue marine(Navy) and Blue harms almost Cobalt ,it is a good compromise .
In a friendly way
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:01 am
Gimme, ta.
Nanas, them’s a pair of gingham’n'burlap bloomers on the washing line there. Maw made them with her own hands.
Sneezy, her mafia name is Switch-Claw Fedora, Top Moll in the Mariposa Crime Family.
Radge, hi! I bet you say that to all the bloggers.
Darragh, thanks!
Rand, I hardly had to do anything! Wally kicked the thing off with the header and Clever Bloke Tom did all the coding.
Bock, glad you do.
Adam, hi! Originally Wally had a whole bunch of sparks coming out of the tiny tiny chimney, like there was a blogger in there sending curly thoughts and rants out into the world. Then he made a wee dancing red-frocked PCB over on the right there and we decided we liked that better.
Crabtree, bienvenue! I am friendly back at you too!
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:35 am
The problematic thing about the transubstantiation is that if you overcook the broccoli, it turns into Paul Wolfowitz. And since I’m not a particularly attentive cook, I’ve got a dozen or so Wolfowitzes milling about. I tried to shape them into a chorale of sorts, but as luck would have it, none of them can carry a tune. Plus they’re all naked. I’m beginning to wonder if all Episcopalians have this problem.
October 3rd, 2008 at 6:55 am
The Ultra-Orthodox ones do. They have to be naked to recognize each other because their identifying feature is the having of two long ringlets or pubic pigtails down either side of their loins. But, I hardly need tell you any of this, Sparks. Sure, it leads to all sorts of unworthy “bishopric” jokes among the other Protestant denominations, but they don’t get High Holy Half-Days off work every second Wednesday so who’s laughing now, eh? Just ignore ‘em all, Sparkers, you stick to your naked guns.
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:54 am
Much loveliness! Love the figure pirouetting on the edge of the cliff.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:09 am
OMG, I am not worthy of even READING this blog.
“dances with shoelaces” Truly brilliant.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Yes, that Torta is one swell artist when he’s not going on about Bernice’s latest tricks, his cool ink pens and underwater vaginas. But I assure you the only gardening he does is picking the vegetables off vegetarian pizzas.
“…the finest-lookin’ blog written by a Hebridean housewife anywhere in the Ojai area!” Sort of like Flight of the Conchords’ “Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.”
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
Oh she is definitely a beauty, I won’t show her to mine she’ll sulk for a month, and I don’t have a Tom near for a sprucing.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:12 am
Jen, hmm, he did put me rather close to the edge didn’t he? Hardly wise in a place as windy as that…unless…unless he meant for me to…down into the sea… where noone could hear my cries for help… (Gulp!)… I wonder if I can get someone to draw me in a rescue helicopter…
Amanda, ah, away with you, you great dafty. Didn’t Walt do a nice job though, eh?
Dr. Research, You’re right, I guess photographing a patch of changing grass for a year might be a cool idea but it’s not exactly gardening, is it? Flight of The Conchords are tops, aren’t they!
Eryl, wotcha darling! That’s one of the convenient things about a Clever Bloke Tom though. He can be from anywhere. Mine is from Kansas. I could have asked a couple of friends to do it but I didn’t want to feel beholden/ like a pain in the bum etc. Wally’s banner was different because you sort of had to know a little about the blog already to do that, and he’s such a fabulous artist. I found Tom through Odesk adn he’s been great.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:15 am
If anyone would like the assistance of Clever Bloke Tom with a technical problem they’re stuck on, or would rather not touch themselves, his email, which he gave me permission to publish, is tom@techguytom.com
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
A foine blog, a foine blog t’beshure. It looks awesome Darling, a belly rub to Trouble, a nod to Tom and a Huzzah to you.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:37 am
I like that you have made this a place where someone is made instantly happy just by arriving. I like that. I’ve liked it since I arrived.
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
where is my coment
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Christ Sam you are taking this seriously.
I commend you
I remember the days:
I worried about you at Glasgow, walking every night, back to Hellhole Renfrew
I tried to write you into Gothic
I smoked in the sitooterie to tell you of the rain battering off the roof
My chin trembled when I heard you read “The rite of the lie”
I wondered at you becoming an American (I would, in a flash)
And yet here we are, Hebridean again.
The warm/cold Atlantic smell of sea and diesel on the ferry
The good/bad feelings of the Islands
The fucking wind
The fucking people
Go on yersel girl !!!!
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
fmc, I have taken your huzzah and made of it a huzzah sandwich which I have gobbled down with a large glass of wine. A jolly repast indeed. Cheers, m’dear!
Eolai, toots, I am always happy to see you. How are you? How’s Dog-Dog? Are you warm? Eat something.
Docs, sorry! Akismet thought you were a troublemaker and put you in the holding cell with the evil spammers. We did have fun, did we not? Especially in the sitooterie. Gives you time to ponder, the sitooterie. And sip Pat’s kir recipes. And listen to the rain. I miss the rain quite a quite quite lot sometimes. Eternal sunshine is a bit dementing. Wally did a good job depicting the ol’ Hebs though, didn’t he? Down to the washing getting wet on the line. What he doesn’t realize is that he drew what it’s like at high noon.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Looks fantastic! I so need to revamp my own blog and yours (almost) pushes me over that edge. Congratulations on your wonderful revision!
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I love it. And I love the dancing lass on the clifftops (or is she in the process of being blown off?) (or both, for that matter).
Yup, washing on the line in the rain and lights on in the house at noon. It’s just like today, here in SW Scotland, other than I’m in the middle of the town and not on a small island.
Very impressed indeed.
I shall forever more picture you in a red dress.
October 4th, 2008 at 12:26 am
what a spankingly lovely tortaesque header, and lovely dark broody look… i approve.
October 4th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Oh…it IS lovely. It’s a very calming salmon/mauve on my screen – and the header is delicious. Like buttah!
October 4th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Fucking brilliant, Sam.
Also, I would kill for a dress in the exact shade of your lovely background.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Woohoo, gorgeous Sam, congratulations on the new looks and best if luck with it.
October 4th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Aww it’s the most perfectest banner ever. Congrats on sorting your blog, she’s looovely. I can’t wait for the ability to screw around with mine
Tres inspirational, dollface.
October 4th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
knock – knock!
oops – must be a wrong number – I thought Sam lived here?
Dang! – girl – dis place be the bomb yo! = Me Likes!
October 4th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Oh, you’re DANCING! I thought you might be waving for help. Not waving, but dancing, that’s OK then. It’s really beautiful – moody, broody, atmospheric, whimsical, and yet, somehow, right at the end … reassuring. It’s even helped me calm down and stop making Scotophobic expletives after discovering that McChe opened a very expensive tin of something that I was saving for Christmas in the middle of the night. I fear he might be related to your cat. The main text is on a puce background, by the way, a sort of faded catvomit colour.
October 5th, 2008 at 4:55 am
It’s fab. Very Doctor Finlay’s casebook-ish. That’s Lewes in the summer, is it?
October 5th, 2008 at 8:37 am
i love this, sugar! well done! xoxo
(i tried to leave a comment while i was in atlanta, but for some reason the hotel wifi was into blog hating!) *sigh*
October 5th, 2008 at 8:45 am
It’s gorgeous, it’s perfect!
October 5th, 2008 at 8:46 am
tom@techguytom.com is a little poem.
October 5th, 2008 at 11:42 am
it’s superb…….just so evocative of the the highlands and islands and all that………beautiful stuff……
October 5th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Laura, your’s is great already with your enlivening art. Only 5ish days now til you become a granny! What fun!
Kim, actually, it was a white dress, but I’d just murdered someone moments before. The body’s in the room with the light on. I am fleeing the police, who you can’t see because they’re just out of frame to the left, and I have just slipped in a cow pat.
Lucy, it is Tortaesque, isn’t it? And his demented font too.
Andraste, salmon/mauve? Man! It’s meant to be creamy/stoney! I think everybody’s monitor must be different. I’ve looked at this on 4 different pyooters now and it’s been a different colour each time.
Medbh, so would I! They don’t often come along in that colour in a style I like though.
Sniffs, thanks, hon!
K8, I saw that one you did for the tattoo guy, it was terrific! Just don’t change “I’m not as green as I’m cabbage-looking” – Love that!
Quickroute, Yo! ‘Sup, homie? Dawg, you chillin? I be’s sewin’ aprons fo’ school and dat sheeyit. It be “Pioneer Week”, dere, yo. Bonnets too, dig?
Daffers, cat-vomit puce is how it looks like on the ProbHubs screen adn is exactly what I was hoping to avoid. Your comment reminds me of that Stevie Smith poem:
Not Waving But Drowning
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Only in this case, I’m not dancing but slipping in a coo pie.
Tinman, “That’s Lewes in the summer, is it?” Hahahahahaha! Of course not! No! In the scene you’re looking at, Summer will be along for about half an hour shortly. Wally couldn’t paint fast enough to catch it so we just went with his “scattered showers” picture.
Savannah, cheers, toots. I shall accept your well dones despite not having had much to do with the actual change beyond, “Oh put that piano over here, please, would you? I want to see how it goes with these curtains… No, no let’s put it back up to the third floor, where we started, eh?”
Jo, and his coding is all done in iambic pentameter! He really is a good guy.
October 5th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Manuel, and all that cold, blustery, windy stuff too! I miss that an awful lot sometimes, believe it or not. I like being out in it, and getting a soaking and them coming in for a hot bath and toast and hot chocolate by the fire. I like Califurnya a lot but the fire’s we get out here are more the ones you flee for your life from.
October 5th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
The blog looks great! I love the picture, and the ‘red dress dancing’!
I’ll second you on the Calif Fires…I’m just down the road from ya.
October 5th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Love the colour, the dancing girl and especially your font. Looks like it’s been designed by a very flash artiste.
October 5th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
It’s very, very bluetiful. Me likey muchy.
And a header with a headland in it is a very fine thing.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:06 am
It’s quite magical and absolutely just right. And the lemon script backing doesn’t bother me at all. Toms are usually good at this. I have two but sadly they aren’t around all the time and one’s at Uni in Birmingham. Mustn’t grumble:)
October 6th, 2008 at 4:07 am
Bugger auto fill! That’s Pat above!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
*Slips in quietly not wanting to interrupt and has a looksee around the new place*
After much consideration Sam, I have to say it is lovely….just like you.
*Leaves a box of Milk Tray (minus a hazelnut whirl) and slides on out*