The Biological Week In Review

Sensitive persons might want to look away.

The Biological Week In Review.

Look, I know it’s only Thursday, and it’s a bit early for a biological recounting of the week, but, I’m hoping tomorrow’s going to be a bit more theoretical.

  • 1 tooth  – lost
  • 6 nostrils – plugged
  • 20 fingernails – cut
  • 30 toenails trimmed
  • the contents of one human stomach – heaved
  • the contents of one feline stomach – heaved x 3
  • one eye held up close to the light – peered at
  • one eyelash – removed
  • one finger – squashed
  • many screams – scrummed
  • 32 ablutions – performed
  • 3 foreheads fevered
  • one cervix cotton-budded
  • one growing leg – nocturnally pained
  • one mole – fretted over
  • one – paw stood on
  • much excrement – scooped
  • 18 feelings – hurt
  • little sleep -had.


*News flash! My pal Eolai has put a cool painting of his up for auction on ebay.  Shipping is free worldwide and 100% of the proceeds will go to  St. Patrick’s Hospital And Marymount Hospice and Rape Crisis Network Ireland. Go see! I’ve bought a few of Eolai’s paintings and I love them.  He’s a wonderful artist whose work is vibrant yet controlled; he makes Ireland look like it’s thrumming. *

30 thoughts on “The Biological Week In Review”

  1. Bock, countless: big, fat, tears spilled from big young eyes, and wiped away with lotioned tissues, at different times tenderly, absently, tiredly, impatiently, lovingly, hastily, soothingly and firmly. Been a long week for the 3 of us.

  2. Point of order, dear, but was this article peer reviewed before publication? What was your hypothesis, your research methodology? Can your results be duplicated independently in households everywhere. I’m afraid until I see that sort of comprehensive information, you must place me in the category of “Booger Deniers.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go throw snow balls at Al Gore.


  3. Rand, my hypothesis was foundling, my methodology remains unfound and my results are unfounded.

    Vincent, I have no idea.

    Conan, there’s only one mickey in this household and he choorates it himself.

  4. Eolai, we find the cocaine burns our unsightly nostril hair right off. Problemchild 1 swears by it.

    Kim, shaving’s a perilous business when sudden violent sneezing fits abound. A gals legs can end up looking like the Nazca lines of high Peru.

    Jimmy, Says right up there that sensitive persons ought to have turned away. I cannot be held responsible for the hurling of another person’s chups. Not after last time. I’m listening to my lawyer this time.

    fmc, we’re reading the Witches by Roald Dahl and have just learnt that , although it’s unlikely, it is certainly possible that teachers can be witches too. Even the ones that seem really nice. We are going to go into this weekend mostly pale, wide-eyed and wetting ourselves, I think.

  5. I have done the same things for many weeks. Consider yor results duplicated! Although #2 daughter resists my wiping her nose at 17, she rejoices in my picking up her tissues.

  6. Happily, to-day Ireland won against England in the rugby, and in Croke Park. Now I do not know if you subscribe to the notion of winning against the English at every competitive endeavor below and including tiddlie-winks – I do btw – for give half a chance the most open of them go back into old habits.

    On the earlier. What happened to ‘Pare’.

    Best of’ on the swab,btw.

  7. Conan, unhappily I accidentally shouted “Swab ye, avasts!” And they did. I always get confused at the gyneacologists.

    Debra, The thing to do is to fake senility at an early age. That’s what I plan to do as soon as the girls are able to look after me properly. Then you will be free to fling tissues, orange rinds, balled-up American Tan coloured tights, whatever your heart desires to fling, all about the place. And then won’t the tables be turned on them! Hoho! Aha! (Obviously not so senile that they have to ship you off somewhere – we have to play a careful game when faking early revenge senility)

    Savannah, if you’re called upon for toenail duty jsut remember that that’s above and beyond. Above and beyond, my friend.

    Vincent, just routine me ole mucka, but thanks. But Pare? What now?

    Mrs. P. if only it were only about scooping the excrement and standing on the paws of my children. If only…

    Manuel, there were a few crikey moments, I tell you.

    Pat, and mine! Nowt to worry about though – just routine. x

    Guyana Gal, hello! Cervixes were given to us to squeam us out – especially when put near the word “cotton-bud.”

    Dev, postcard – got! Cheers, lovey!

    Apprentice, you can have one or the other but not both – there’s a recession on and I’m hunkering down. Virtually too. Hope you’re on the mend, sweet Anna.

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