My Dreadful Dream Hell
Friends, it was terrible. It was more terrible than I have words for. I only really have gutteral belchy sounds for what it was like, with the faintest strains of Rick Astley in the background.
As for what my terrible, dreadful, no-good, very bad dream looked like – well, it would curl your hair. More. It would reach deep down into your gametes (gametes of the sort that aren’t a type of Small French ham steak although if you need me to point that out you are most probably a closet Communist or something mustachioed like that) – anyway, this dream, it would get deep, deep down into your gametes and affect the future hair of your future offspring, curling their future hair too. In the future, like. And if they were going to have curly hair, this nightmare would curl the curly bends back on themselves thereby making the curly hair be straight hair. Yes! Even that hair! And who wants that?
A tiny but potentially devastating (!) shift would occur in the shampoo market with brands known for their excellence in curly-hair products either losing or winning – who can tell which? – and shampoo futures would plummet, along with shampoo presents. Leaving only the smug Ghost of Shampoos Past. All rather like that butterfly effect doodad, which basically states that if a curly-haired butterfly flaps its wings in Kansas, the tipping point in global air-streams might be …uuhr…tipped, and, ipso facto, that could cause a tsunami in Asia which would wash away all their shampoo factories and people wouldn’t look so good – curly-haired or no – and nobody would get any dates and the birth rate would decline and people would get upset – even more than they normally would because they’d be extra uptight on account not getting any action – and all because of what could happen if I told you about my dreadful nightmare! Which, curiously enough, featured only hairless people.
You’re not with me any more, are you? I can tell. Neither am I, truth be told. I couldn’t explain this again from about the third “the” on, in the paragraph above.
Anyway, what about them Oscars this year, eh? Who says women can’t direct harrowing-yet-compelling cinema about the complexity of the soldier’s psyche and do big bangs and crashes good too? Probably, the same people who say women can’t parallel park. Probably even the same guy who clipped my car last week, trying to parallel-park for the 3rd time before squealing off to find an easier spot to maneuver. That’s one in the eye for him, then! Hahahahahaha. The rotten, stinking car-clipper.
Righto, just one more teensy wee weensy glass of wine and then off to bed with me, I think. Yep, just the one…
March 15th, 2010 at 2:25 am
Don’t worry – it’s not the wine; the space, time, hair thingy got messed up when Rick started singing Arctic Monkeys – never gonna give you up never …..
March 15th, 2010 at 2:28 am
I woke up early so I could have the privilege of being the first commenter on this entry, and now all I have to show for it is straight hair–yes, that hair! This is going to have all sorts of unforeseen consequences, I just know it.Going to have to buy longer boxers, for one thing.
March 15th, 2010 at 2:31 am
And it took me so long to type this in the dark that I lost my position to Donnie! Lose-lose!
March 15th, 2010 at 3:48 am
Hair-raising dreams are the best, but I’m not sure what the baldiness betokens. Were they also blue, blue and bald?
March 15th, 2010 at 3:50 am
“Since when did having a mustache equate with radical politics,” he asked while searching for a razor.
Cheers.
March 15th, 2010 at 4:00 am
oh my, sugar! just the one, eh? xoxoxo
March 15th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Maybe I’ll shave my head, just to be on the safe side, X
March 16th, 2010 at 12:22 am
Donnie, According to the BBC, there is a rip in the space-time continuum just outside Cardiff! I heard it reported in Torchwood.
Wally, you could always spring for a perm? Or braids could be cute if you’re on a budget.
Conan – you’ve had this dream too, haven’t you? Only a very few Chosen have. We have much to say to each other, my friend. Come, let us walk and talk and give other people the stink-eye.
Rand’, all I know is that ever since I grew my mustache, I have wanted to form a worker’s paradise in my basement.
Sav, hon – my ones are the same as other people’s twos.
Eryl, Golly! You’re not blue too are you? Come over here and talk to Conan and me! Explain to us the meaning of the dream and the purpose of the Elders. Doesn’t matter which Elders at this point, any old Elder will do, but make sure to bring their Elder wine.
March 16th, 2010 at 10:52 am
I dream of Rick Astly all the time, him and me rolling along and then we ( we’ve coalesced ) realize that we’re entangled in multiple threads ending in bombs, and try to un-coalesce but turn into coleslaw instead which can’t be hurt by TNT cause its already shredded, but can be eaten by the bomb disposal guys, and the last thing I see is teeth and tonsils which his mother thought long and hard about before deciding it was better to leave them, cause they kept more germs out.
March 16th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Sniffle hon’, this dream sounds not unlike some Na’vi mating their manes in a Jerusalem deli cum operating theatre. You too might be Chosen. Think hard about Conan’s question – was anyone blue? Send me your address at once. I have an important packet of information for you which you must show noone. Especially anybody blue or a Ranger’s supporter, or a sad someone, or a someone with a cold – anybody who could possibly have anything slightly blue about them. OK? Good. Now go and lock the doors and deploy some comically herpetological draft-excluders immediately. For God’s sake, run man! You don’t know how much danger you might be in!
March 16th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
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March 17th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Hello there, Sam.
Always glad to see you post.
FMC and I have decided that bald=evil.
It might mean the opposite in dreams though.
March 17th, 2010 at 4:12 am
The balding of evil is real, it’s real!
Happy Patrick’s Day Sam, I will doubtless raise a glass in your Celtic honour.
March 17th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Ellis. HAve you been having blue dreams too?
Check your email! The info at nadler one.
Medbh, bald doen’t bother me, but total bodily hairlessness creeps the creeping bejeezus out of me. I have a female friend who does that to herself as a matter of routine. “Sure it’s painful!” she says blithely. Completely. Hairless. Blech.
fmc – Slainte, a ghraidh!
March 18th, 2010 at 3:44 am
I loved his gutsy voice – Rick’s. Imagine you only get to go to the cinema about once every six months which of the present lot (and not all were available) would you choose?
Now I suppose I’d better go and wash my hair although I’ve an appointment for Saturday. Ah the good old days when once week sufficed.
March 20th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Pat, I’d choose Precious. Some of it makes difficult watching but the art of it is that it manages to show survival against crippling odds in a way that quells our cynicism at cinematic attempts to make us feel all fuzzy and warm. There is a great deal of searing heat rather than warmth in this film, and it is spiky more than fuzzy, but you will be gratified that you watched it and feel grateful that the film was made, and was so heavily championed and that it’s now getting the viewership it deserves. Caveat spector though – it is a difficult film to watch at some points.
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:02 am
Sadly it wasn’t on offer but I’ll try to see it anon. An Education sufficed.
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