I Need You

Not carnally for the moment but I’ll call you if that changes. I have to write a short blurb about myself for a thing I wrote for Bret Bradigan’s fantastic new Ojai magazine. Under 100 words. My best efforts are below. Please pick the one that most accurately reflects the Sami you know. No filth please. Leave that to me.

Samantha Zahringer is an upstart housewife of some moral dubiety. She has lived in Ojai for 9 years where she teaches her children stuff.

Samantha Zahringer is a blameless housewife of impeccable character who has lived, written and bred in the Ojai Valley for 9 years, sometimes all at once.

Samantha Zahringer is a housewife of low character, dusty mantlepiece and several outstanding warrants. She has lived in Ojai for 9 years where she writes and teaches her children how to think for her.

Samantha Zahringer loves dawn, rum babas, the way you run your fingers through her hair, and the special light in the eyes of adorable old Tibetan men.  She is 35 and married with two children but her number can be found on bathroom walls throughout town unless the despicable swinehunds have painted over them again.

Samantha Zahringer can rather pitifully be summed up in a lot fewer words than Bret Bradigan allowed her.

Samantha Zahringer: men love her, women adore her and small children are always polite and good when she is near. She lives in Ojai with a husband, two children, a clinically obese cat and several trillion beneficial gut bacteria.

Samantha Zahringer has been clinging to sanity, passing handsome men and her unfortunate children in the Ojai Valley for 9 years. She is 35 and 3/4 and enjoys writing, vigorous health, and ribaldry of stripes both bawdy and ticking.

Samantha Zahringer is a wretched solipsist who imagines people have nothing better to do with their time than to read this dreadful tripe.

Samantha Zahringer is out of stuff to say and bored thinking about herself, which is saying something.


78 thoughts on “I Need You”

  1. Did she pronounce the last bit like in singer or like in Kissinger? I’ve never been all that sure myself which is right because the inlaws all said it differently too.

    You on FB, Donnie? When I post this stuff there nobody comes by here no more. But it’s purdier here! It is! I guess I can hardly call myself a blogger any more anyway. FB has taken my soul. I’ll not bow to any God calling itself flippen Twitter though. In a world where everything is speeding up to the pace of New York City, I’m still moving more at the speed of Inverness in the rain but I reckon dat’s just the way I like it, yes sirree. Change: I’m against those parts of it I don’t like.

    *Chews on wheat stalk. Watches big balls of tumbleweed and Twitterers roll on by.*

  2. The bits what you wrote are all great (for preference #7) but I do think the Ojai citizenry need to be alerted to the fact that you have no fingerprints, come from an island in the Atlantical Ocean, and are as naturalised as Uncle Sam yoghurt.

  3. Tried Twitter but couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. You link to all your friends, like on Facebook, but there are 1 or 2 people who update their twits every half an hour, so you only ever see their lives and no one elses. Never got the hang of MySpace or Bebo either. Facebook and Blogging for me.

    Meanwhile, in reply to your request, I love them all. And taken all together they are sublime.

    However, you want one. So…

    Actually, I love the first line in one and the last line in another, so would combine the 2 to make:

    Samantha Zahringer: men love her, women adore her and small children are always polite and good when she is near. She has lived in Ojai for 9 years where she writes and teaches her children how to think for her.

    That probably doesn’t help you narrow it down…

  4. I would suggest just writing lots of articles and then using each of these in succession. That is, I like them all and a can’t decide. Although, perhaps you should let your fellow Ojai compatriots know that the various statutes of limitation have (long ago) expired.

    Cheers.

  5. I refuse to be labelled as just a Zahringer this or that. There’s enough of that stuff going on hereabouts. Steweotypes and such – NO to all of that.

    I met her once at the Dublin blog bash with HQ and Bock and we got gloriously drunk and ate kebabs served by Egyptians on Baggot Street late on. She was cool as I recollect.

    So in the infinity of a night out, in the stars above of an new acquaintance and in the cosmos of an random social intersection , yeah babee, and if you must and absolutely have to ( like when you’re mid-life bursting for a pee after loads of beer) and at a push, pinned up against a wall but not in a good way, cornered and ready to rat-bite , left with no option like a teenager doesn’t give you , but not like choices offered by the west of Ireland farmer when asked for directions and if you’re really stuck ,well then,, # 4 problemchildbride.

    PS I got your number written on the back of my hand – babee ,

  6. I like the wretched solipsist one, but I can’t tell if it refers to the magazine piece or to the blog post! 😉

    You’re right about Twitter, too, Sami. Awful dreck.

    Congrats on the published piece. I hope they’re paying you proper rates and all that.

  7. Conan! I like #7 best too.

    Sneezers, ezzackly. Who gives a large flying one? Nobody will care and that’s why I’m messing with it, but it’s one of these “form” things, I guess. They should probably know that the writer of a piece about living in Ojai lives in Ojai at the very least.

    john, when I wrote it I was thinking about the blog-post but it holds just as well for the mag. piece, I’s a-reckonin’. :)

  8. Add a few more to the list, and you’ll have your next column. Anyone considering relocating to Ojai should be aware of the multitude of Samantha Zahringers skulking about.

  9. Dear girl it would have been easier had you numbered them.

    ‘Samantha Zahringer: men love her, women adore her and small children are always polite and good when she is near. She lives in Ojai with a husband, two children, a clinically obese cat and several trillion beneficial gut bacteria.

  10. Sam, since I wrote that I was given 75 words to summarise myself – factually, wittily, etc. etc. et-ceter-ahhh, and including somehow an account for my urges (creative, not hormonal). All in a good cause… but the agony!

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