Days Of Wine and Wellies. Part The Firste
What could be sexier than drinking champagne from the lip of your loved-one’s wellie? I know. Not flipping much. But we don’t have time for you to be drifting off in a moon-eyed reverie right now, so focus. For I have a tale to tell you. Up here in the romantic North-West we have to be more practical than you on the mainland because if we stand around being romantic all the blowy day we’ll get chills in our bladders and on our blains and other assorteds. This makes us ineffectual and we are nothing if not fectual. For who then will feck the fish off the boats and then feck them over to the shop for the rest of we feckers to buy for our fecking teas? Exactly. We do all our romancing in the warm nooks of peatstacks or Ford Pintos until our grannies die and we get their houses.
It all began, as many things do, with a vomiting incident on a CalMac ferry. It was a fearsome morning at sea, which would have sorely tried the valves of the most iron-stomached sailors, and thus, for Oliver from Basingstoke, things went swiftly from green to purple. On a tossing ship at sea, everyone lives their own digestive drama oblivious to everyone else. We reel about the deck, one hand clutching our stomachs, the other stapled over our mouths, bouncing off each other like pinballs, hair streaming, bobble hats and small pets flying as the seagulls scream for us to vomit. The average person can resist throwing up under such circumstances for about half a bilious hour but unfortunately the ferry ride lasts two and a half and Oliver was from Basingstoke besides. Hence, 5 minutes out from the port of Ullapool, our poor, wretched hero was coming face to face with his own biology, God and strawberry pop tart.
However, as everyone who ferries knows, once you have up-chucked, you are grand. Grander than all the other miserable souls trying to preserve their over-priced Inverness breakfasts and determined to, as a matter of bloody principle after managing to keep it down on the roller-coaster bus ride to Ullapool (or Ullapoop as children and Free Church elders hilariously call it.)
Thus it was that our friend, Oliver, was feeling quite chipper when the boat reached the head of Loch Broom, where the ancient submerged moraine makes for notoriously choppy waters even on glass calm days. He was strolling about deck, whistling and nonchalant at a 45 degree angle against the battering gale, when suddenly from out of the deserted cafeteria hurtled a vomiting girl – no, a vomiting woman – of such rare and green beauty that Oliver’s hat was quite blown off. You might say, “Ach, PCB, away and boil your bunions with onions, it was just the wind, lassie!” But it wasn’t, you know, it was love. I’m from the romantic NW and we see this sort of thing all the time. Yes, and have to listen to the naysayers too. It’s never the wind. The wind only takes gloves and high-denomination currency, and pregnancy tests before you can read them. It’s only love can blow your hat off like that. (If you are a man and your scarf should blow off, however, island lore says you may find you have lost something very precious indeed, so make sure to tie a good windsor in it. The scarf.)
OK, now I have drifted off in my own moon-eyed reverie and can’t focus n’more. Plus, I only have until 1pm to do all the things I’ve been putting off this morning by reporting on this instead. I shall continue the tale of Oliver and his Vomiting Venus the next time I have other stuff I’m meant to be doing. Kim doesn’t believe me, do you Kim? And Conan thinks this will be just another half-baked, half-finished, half-tale from Sam. But I will. I will. So until then I leave you with that too, too solid advice from the last paragraph of the story there: tie a knot in it. Plus video of the same ferry that used to run between Ullapool and Stornoway in the Outer Hebrides. Now in New Zealand or Fiji or Somewhere.
Pip-pip, peeps.
May 24th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Link doesn’t work. Operator error. Here’s better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7NB-bN-ns4
May 24th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
ok, this is why i’m not blogging! i kept thinking hold on, i thought sam was in ojai…*sigh* i’m suffering from a brain cloud not to have recognized this tale, sugar! xoxoxo
(i did finally understand and now wait for the next of the delightful narrative.)
(the ship rolling and bobbing and looking as it it’s going to sink is also why i stay on dry land.)
May 24th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I am in Ojai, toots, but also I am not. My heart is many miles away. My spleen is in Glasgow and my left ventricle is in London. I am torn apart by space and time and metaphor and four winds and wild horses and love and the lack of boiled potatoes and this overwhelming need to talk shit.
I hate ferries too. I hate them with all the internal organs I have that are not elsewhere.
May 24th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Whether I believe you or not is irrelevant, Sam. I believe in you, and that’s far more important
May 25th, 2010 at 12:14 am
Yikes – that’s scary. Just booked a ferry trip, Cancel cancel!
May 25th, 2010 at 2:00 am
Hah, indeedy I do not. I take it for one of those scrumptious tarty things where you blind-bake the pastry first.
Plus, and it’s a very big PLUS, I have been plotting a course… it goes from the Drummstead to Larne to Troon to Ullapool to the very font of my Hebridean genepool. It involves ferries and large dollops of cash (as yet unearned) and scientific prognostications on the midge situation. I therefore await the filling of your narrative pastry-case with all appropiate salivation.
ps I have yet to encounter the vessel / sea that can unsettle my stomach, and that includes a passage across the Irish sea that had every single passenger vomiting (the scuppers ran with it) except me. I put it down to being 1/65536th viking.
May 25th, 2010 at 5:16 am
I thought you Scots types had gillies to vomit for you. Shows what I know.
Cheers.
May 25th, 2010 at 11:22 am
Oh Kim. You are a dear, kind man, you really are. xx
John, ferries are the pits. I don’t have any clue why people boat for pleasure, I really don’t. As a child, HMV Suilven for three and a half hours (3 1/2 back then – for 50 measly miles!) at 5.30 in the morning before any journey could even start, swore me against sea-going of any stripe. Yachts? – You can keep ‘em. Dingies? – Puncture ‘em all. Canoes – line them up with blindfolds and shoot, just shoot until there are no more bullets.
Conan, When? Oh man, I’d love to be there at the font of your pool! As it were. What are your plans? What plots be yours, my sort of compadre? I’m planning on taking the girls home at the end of the summer sometime. Nothing fixed yet as the variables are all so flippen variable right now. In the meantime, oven’s on, pastry is shortening in the fridge; what are your views on rhubarb?
Rand’ ha! Some might say the whole of Scotland is Britain’s gillie. Not me. I think it’s Wales.
May 26th, 2010 at 4:25 am
Rhubarb is a mighty fine stalk and best eaten, I’m told, before June 21, after which it tartens (aye!) overmuch.
I have a couple of plants which were not behaving so I moved them in March to a better spot where, I hope, they’ll be more productive next year. I saw rhubarb yesterday the likes of which I have never seen – great raised carpets of foliage that looked firm enough to stand on and stalks the length and girth of my arms.
It will be next year before that trip is made, Sam. Trying to work out if it’d be cheaper to do it by car or with the travelling house, the ferries off this island are ridic expensive, and I’m not joking about the midge issue… they hearts me blood too much.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:16 am
I can tie a Windsor, I was learnt. I will never learn my chlders to tie windsors, unless it’s one of them dysfunctional windsors living in sheltered accommodation in London… Harry or Andrew or Charlie or Annie.
There’s theme pcb, the hat thing, first Gary’s and now Ollie’s .. Was the cadaver wearing one too?
May 27th, 2010 at 2:48 am
i have it on good authority that it was the Viking Windsor that won it for them in their battles – the pointy hats were not in effect battle hats but an ingenious double handed sickbag…… so there ….as they say
May 31st, 2010 at 10:12 am
Yo! Pastry lady, you’ll be having to knead up some new stuff if partay-the-second does not appear shortish!
May 31st, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Dear Conan, I’ve been in Glasgow since Thursday after my my dad took ill and went into the Southern General. He slipped away on Sunday night. It was peaceful and he was not in any distress. Have arranged transport for him back to the island with the funeral probably on Friday or Saturday. I told fmc and thought to contact you but couldn’t find an email address for you. xxxx
June 1st, 2010 at 2:36 am
So sorry, Sam. I’ve emailed you. x
June 1st, 2010 at 7:44 am
Ah the memories! I await with bated breath for the second half. Should I be worried about your left ventricle.
Oh darling just caught up with the comments. So very sorry.
June 2nd, 2010 at 5:08 am
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, dear.
June 8th, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Half the blogs I am reading lately are about vomit. Are we seeing a blog meme in the embryonic stage?
August 4th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Thought I’d rise from my “lurking” status and check and see if all is well with you and yours. We miss you, dear.
Cheers.
October 6th, 2010 at 4:27 am
More! More! Loving this! Esp the bit about grannies leaving people their houses – it’s almost like you know the place
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